Don Bauder 4 p.m., Oct. 16
- Community Blog
- Normal Heights Through the Blue and White
The Periodic Chumming of the Waters of Commerce
Well, the ad in question today is so good, so awe-inspiring, such a commanding virtual presence, such a work of art, that it necessitates, if not outright demands the full attention of the entire blog post. Unprecedented? Absolutely. Out of the question? Hardly. Pure awesome? Definitely!
And so, without further ado:
[gives it a moment to sink in]
Finally! A carpet cleaner who won't pull the old Bait & Swutch! It's can be so hard these days, all the endless baiting, the periodic chumming of the waters of commerce with the rancid fish guts of advertising, only to get the Swutch when you least expect it! Curses, Swutched in the very instant of taking the bait! What sort of monster would perpetuate such tomfoolery and arrange such shenanigans to ensnare unwitting victims?
Well, not Sober No Tweeker Carpet Cleaning, that's for sure.
Here's what you don't get when you call Sober No Tweeker Carpet Cleaning: you don't get the mulleted, deck pooping, outdoor plumbing, beer drinking, sandal wearing, trailer living, tan-line sporting, door-not-closing, birdhouse as a coffee table using prole who owns that other carpet cleaners. You know the one, the other guys. You will know them by their insistence on standing in front of overtly homo-erotic advertisements, making tacit T-Mobile product placements, drawing unsightly stares from elderly African-American bus passengers while playing pocket pool and standing over their anachronistically styled vacuum cleaners at a suspiciously East Coast bus stop.
What you do get when you call Sober No Tweeker Carpet Cleaners: "Owner Operated Quality Carpet Cleaning," admittedly a jumbled mouthful for syllables, but OOQCC can't be beat! OOQCC is the only service out there that will transform the hideous, beige carpeting from the floor of your Lightless Torture Dungeon from hideous, beige LTD-carpeting into hideous, beige carpeting with all sorts of crazy lines in it. That's right, OOQCC can literally terraform your carpets. Sometimes, if the winds are right and the men's spirits are in rare form, OOQCC can actually transform your carpet into tile. Yes, you heard it here first, they can disappear your ugly carpet and replace it with marginally more attractive tiling. Who else can do that?
So, you say you like big, empty, white spaces? Who doesn't? Everybody at Sober No Tweeker Carpter Cleaners absolutely loves white space. It has been scientifically proven--by the same team of scientists who have brought you the Orgonite Holy Hand Grenade and the bleach pill to cure all diseases--that excessive white space in classified advertisements can increase favorable customer response by as much as ten-thousand-billion (10,000,000,000,000) percent! Yeah, that's right, ten (10) x one thousand (1,000) x one billion (1,000,000,000) percent (%). That's more than a lot, more than a wicked lot, more than basically anything. Not more than a googol, because that's just stupidly big number of negligible practical use, but it's still more than the number of Angels Dancing on the Head of a Pin (by my count). Can you conceive of that much? No, you can't conceive of that much, because it is too big of a number for mortal human reckoning to contend with. Such is the power of white space!
So, you want to search for "rx-20" (whatever that is) or "cat urine?" Sober No Tweeker Carpet Cleaning has so got you covered in the Keyword Spam department.1 Nobody plots up a list of Keyword Spam quite like Sober No Tweeker Carpet Cleaning--yet another of the advantages of OOQCC.
Ask yourself, citizens of the world, "are you really up for all that trauma?"
If the answer is "no," which it had better be, if'n you knows what's good for youse, then call Sober No Tweeker Carpet Cleaning Truckmount Steam today. In addition to all major credit cards, we accept payment in cash, black market limbs, drugs (other than crystal meth, obvi), home equity, wife swapping, busking, or the promise of your immortal soul in exchange for the cleanest carpets of your entire life!
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