Marty Graham 10 a.m., May 24
The Whorax Weighs In on the Trailer for The Lorax
I am the Whorax, I speak for the Seuss,
This trailer is making my bowels go all loose!
(I speak for the Seuss, for the Seuss is now dead
And so he cannot knock some sense in your head.)
And now I will ask, but with much trepidation
What’s that THING you’ve made out of his finest creation?
I am the Whorax, I speak for the Seuss
He gave you his genius, you gave him the goose!
But I also speak for the notion of art -
Which you seem to equate with a wink and a fart -
The notion of feeling, of emotion, of heart.
Now, since you’ve made the Lorax a clown
A gag-man, a wiseguy, with a grin for a frown
He’s lost all his pathos, the sweet earnest force
That finally moved Once-ler to feel some remorse.
You damned sons-of-bitches, you never will stop
Til you’ve chopped all our childhood dreams into slop
And planted all new ones - a sad, stunted crop -
Because the real Lorax – well, it might be a flop.
“It’s a downer, a buzzkill, it’s just not relatable
We don’t see the Once-ler? Well now, that’s debatable.
And saving the trees? The bears and the birds?
Oh, God, it's all just too boring for words!
We need a love interest, a girl who digs trees
And a schlubbulous boy who's desperate to please.
I know, let’s get Efron, and ooh! Taylor Swift!
They’ll give us some juice with the kids – get my drift?
Ed Helms from The Office! Betty White – she’s so hip!”
All your plans grow apace at a terrible clip
But the Seuss will wake someday from his nap in the dirt
And he’ll put all you bastards in a world of hurt.
How do I know this? I’m the Whorax. I know.
He doesn’t like whores at a kids’ picture show.