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Change the part on the hair, plump the nose, tweak the ear angle, clean up the eyebags, and voila!

Documents obtained by SD on the QT have revealed that new San Diego Chargers head coach Mike McCoy is not, as was previously thought, the former offensive coordinator for the Denver Broncos. Rather, he is Chargers chief legal counsel Mark Fabiani, nipped and tucked and inserted into the team's onfield presence for the sake of rallying public support for a publicly financed new stadium.

"Fabiani has long been seen as the the face of the Chargers' push for a new stadium," reads an internal memo from team President and CEO Dean Spanos to the political action committee Chargers Ask for Stadium Help [CASH]. "While he has been and remains an articulate voice on behalf of our interests, the fact is, he's a lawyer. The Chargers brand is powerful, and inspires love for the team in many fans, but it is not powerful enough to inspire love for a lawyer. To combat this problem, we have repositioned Mark as new head coach Mike McCoy. As McCoy, he should be able to get his message across to both fans and media without triggering anyone's bullshit detector. Especially if we're winning. But even if we're not, he can say that the team would rally if given a huge show of support - like, say, a new stadium. We can't lose!"

The memo goes on to detail the enormous success of the transition, thanks in part to "some really excellent plastic surgery from the same guy who does the boob jobs on our cheerleaders. The only thing he wasn't able to change was the look of bottomless, rapacious greed in the eyes. But if we can convince the public that this is actually just a hunger for victory on the field, then we shouldn't have anything to worry about."

As of press time, the real McCoy has not been located.

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4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
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