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Ralph Greenspan, the associate director of the Kavli Institute at UC San Diego, has been tapped by the White House to help engineer government oversight of brain function among United States citizens. "Government and science had a long and proud history of collaboration," said Greenspan at a press conference regarding the announcement today. "From the Tuskegee Experiment to MK-ULTRA to the invention of crack cocaine, it is a partnership that has produced valuable results for the American people as a whole."

"Notice that I said, 'As a whole,'" continued Greenspan. "Naturally, there are always those who are resistant to progress. And it must be admitted, there are always those unfortunate few who suffer so that the many may benefit. But just as a great religious movement requires the blood of martyrs to water its roots, so a great scientific breakthrough demands sacrifice from souls noble enough to be duped into dying for their country. But I digress."

Greenspan noted that the project would help answer lots of questions about how the brain works, "from things as simple as how and where you stockpile your weapons to things as complicated as understanding rogue survivalist mentalities.”

The project would also help understand what has gone wrong in brains of people who vote Republican. "You must understand," said Greenspan, "We are only trying to help here."

Greenspan said another hope is that the technology developed to undertake the project would boost the economy. "We'll finally be able to tell whether a Clydesdale or cleavage is more likely to make a man buy Budweiser beer. And because the technologies that are going to be needed to see all of that are going to require some fancy, science fictiony new kinds of detectors, there will be technological spinoffs from this as well," he said. "We're going to need implants that can be inserted into a newborn's brain through the unfused skull plates, implants that will communicate with our national 'baby monitor' throughout the life of the worker unit, er, citizen. That's going to be a lucrative, lucrative business."

In other news, do not try to resist. Freedom is slavery. We have always been at war with Oceania.

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4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
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