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2013 Chargers draft report

"What's that? April is too early to be talking about football? What are you gonna do - watch the Padres?"

PICK #1: D.J. Fluker, offensive tackle out of Alabama!

None

"As a committed Catholic," says Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers, "I believe what Paul writes in his letter to the Romans: "All things work together for good for those who love God." And I believe that God has a plan for each and every one of us. Apparently, God's plan for me involves a whole bunch of hand-offs and even more sacks than the 49 I suffered in 2012! I confess - in my selfish moments, I thought it would be wonderful to get an offensive lineman who knew how to defend against the pass rush, kind of like the ones we had in 2007-09. I got sacked literally half as often back then. But God's plan is the best plan, and every time Jesus went down on the way to Golgotha, he got back up and kept going. How can I do any less? Go Team Jesus!"

PICK #2: Manti Te'o, linebacker out of Notre Dame!

None

"Te'o has a great future in the NFL with the Chargers," says Defensive Coordinator John Pagano. "Why, just look at the successful career of the last Pacific Islander to play linebacker here! Oh, wait - no don't look at that. Instead, think of this kid's bright future. Our only real concern is Te'o's susceptibility to the old 'phantom back' trick. You know, where the quarterback fools the linebackers into thinking there's someone behind him in the backfield. But we're working on it."

PICK #3: Keenan Allen, wide receiver out of California!

None

"At last," says Chargers Head Coach Mike McCoy, "Philip Rivers will finally have someone to throw to in the wide receiver position. I mean, besides Danario Alexander, Vincent Brown, Dean Butler, Dan DePalma, Malcolm Floyd, Richard Goodman, Robert Meachem, Eddie Royal, and Mike Willie. Maybe now he won't get sacked so darned much."

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PICK #1: D.J. Fluker, offensive tackle out of Alabama!

None

"As a committed Catholic," says Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers, "I believe what Paul writes in his letter to the Romans: "All things work together for good for those who love God." And I believe that God has a plan for each and every one of us. Apparently, God's plan for me involves a whole bunch of hand-offs and even more sacks than the 49 I suffered in 2012! I confess - in my selfish moments, I thought it would be wonderful to get an offensive lineman who knew how to defend against the pass rush, kind of like the ones we had in 2007-09. I got sacked literally half as often back then. But God's plan is the best plan, and every time Jesus went down on the way to Golgotha, he got back up and kept going. How can I do any less? Go Team Jesus!"

PICK #2: Manti Te'o, linebacker out of Notre Dame!

None

"Te'o has a great future in the NFL with the Chargers," says Defensive Coordinator John Pagano. "Why, just look at the successful career of the last Pacific Islander to play linebacker here! Oh, wait - no don't look at that. Instead, think of this kid's bright future. Our only real concern is Te'o's susceptibility to the old 'phantom back' trick. You know, where the quarterback fools the linebackers into thinking there's someone behind him in the backfield. But we're working on it."

PICK #3: Keenan Allen, wide receiver out of California!

None

"At last," says Chargers Head Coach Mike McCoy, "Philip Rivers will finally have someone to throw to in the wide receiver position. I mean, besides Danario Alexander, Vincent Brown, Dean Butler, Dan DePalma, Malcolm Floyd, Richard Goodman, Robert Meachem, Eddie Royal, and Mike Willie. Maybe now he won't get sacked so darned much."

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