Padres Report: Andrew Cashner's Bionic Arm Has Promising First Outing Against Mariners
"Recovery From Last Season's Rotator Cuff Injury" Revealed to Be "Acclimation to Turbo-Charged Biotech Pitching Cannon"
Pitching Coach Darin Ballsy: "If the organic parts of him hold up, we see no reason why he can't pitch all game, every game. Gonna be a fun year."
Ten pitches. All of 'em over 100 mph. Boo-ya.