Ian Anderson 11 a.m., Dec. 9
Walmart "Shocked" By Neighbors' Partial Protest of Building Demolition
Evil Corporation "Deeply Disappointed" by Tepid Response to Its Destruction of Abandoned Famers Market Building on Imperial
Concerned Media Outlets Ask: Who Will Occupy Walmart?
Walmart spokesman: "It was bad enough when we discovered the building was derelict and not the thriving local business we usually take such delight in destroying. But this? This is just sad."
"I feel betrayed," said Walmart head of historic demolitions Mark Farmington following today's exceedingly mild response to the company's assault on Sherman Heights' landmark Farmers Market Building. (Walmart obtained a lease on the property in March of this year.) "Betrayed by the urban hipsters who didn't care enough to keep the Farmers Market going by, say, buying food there, but who should nevertheless have had the anti-corporate moxie to chain themselves to our bulldozers."
Farmington took a bite of an, out-of-season, non-organic apple flown in from Chile and chewed thoughtfully. "We came here expecting people who would fight for what they believe in," he continued. "They'd lose, of course, but the important thing would be that they had fought. Instead, we got some guy asking if we'd posted the proper permits for public viewing, and threatening to come back tomorrow to check. Oooooh, scary. Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother with the destruction of America's urban legacy. It's like nobody cares."