Doctor? You don't need to see no stinkin' doctor!
"Frankly, I don't know what the competition was thinking on this one," says Ben Applebaum, Chief Medical Officer at Walmart, Inc. "I mean, it makes sense for Target to offer in-store health-care services to its customers, who aren't the healthiest bunch in the world. But calling it a clinic? Most people hear 'clinic,' and they think of STDs, long waits, and insufficient care. But mostly, they think of being at the mercy of a bunch of overworked, underperforming doctors and health-care professionals. Happily, you won't find any of that here at Walmart."
"Our research suggests that the majority of Walmart shoppers don't trust doctors to begin with," says Applebaum. "They see them as high-and-mighty swellheads who always think they know best, when really, they're just there to sign the prescription pad. So, we decided to dispense with them altogether. Customers who visit our Self-Health Centers can use our computer kiosks to consult a variety of health-related websites, from WebMD to doesthislookinfected.com to bettersexnow.net. Then, once they determine the best course of treatment for themselves, they can generate a Feel Good Plan and submit it to our RoboDoc automated drug-dispensary. And once again, Walmart helps you save by cutting out the middleman: our drugs cost up to 15% less than Target's, because there are no costly doctor's fees to pay. It's just one more way that Walmart helps you to save money and live better."