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Walmart takes on Target Clinics with "Self-Health" Centers

Doctor? You don't need to see no stinkin' doctor!
Doctor? You don't need to see no stinkin' doctor!

"Frankly, I don't know what the competition was thinking on this one," says Ben Applebaum, Chief Medical Officer at Walmart, Inc. "I mean, it makes sense for Target to offer in-store health-care services to its customers, who aren't the healthiest bunch in the world. But calling it a clinic? Most people hear 'clinic,' and they think of STDs, long waits, and insufficient care. But mostly, they think of being at the mercy of a bunch of overworked, underperforming doctors and health-care professionals. Happily, you won't find any of that here at Walmart."

"Our research suggests that the majority of Walmart shoppers don't trust doctors to begin with," says Applebaum. "They see them as high-and-mighty swellheads who always think they know best, when really, they're just there to sign the prescription pad. So, we decided to dispense with them altogether. Customers who visit our Self-Health Centers can use our computer kiosks to consult a variety of health-related websites, from WebMD to doesthislookinfected.com to bettersexnow.net. Then, once they determine the best course of treatment for themselves, they can generate a Feel Good Plan and submit it to our RoboDoc automated drug-dispensary. And once again, Walmart helps you save by cutting out the middleman: our drugs cost up to 15% less than Target's, because there are no costly doctor's fees to pay. It's just one more way that Walmart helps you to save money and live better."

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Doctor? You don't need to see no stinkin' doctor!
Doctor? You don't need to see no stinkin' doctor!

"Frankly, I don't know what the competition was thinking on this one," says Ben Applebaum, Chief Medical Officer at Walmart, Inc. "I mean, it makes sense for Target to offer in-store health-care services to its customers, who aren't the healthiest bunch in the world. But calling it a clinic? Most people hear 'clinic,' and they think of STDs, long waits, and insufficient care. But mostly, they think of being at the mercy of a bunch of overworked, underperforming doctors and health-care professionals. Happily, you won't find any of that here at Walmart."

"Our research suggests that the majority of Walmart shoppers don't trust doctors to begin with," says Applebaum. "They see them as high-and-mighty swellheads who always think they know best, when really, they're just there to sign the prescription pad. So, we decided to dispense with them altogether. Customers who visit our Self-Health Centers can use our computer kiosks to consult a variety of health-related websites, from WebMD to doesthislookinfected.com to bettersexnow.net. Then, once they determine the best course of treatment for themselves, they can generate a Feel Good Plan and submit it to our RoboDoc automated drug-dispensary. And once again, Walmart helps you save by cutting out the middleman: our drugs cost up to 15% less than Target's, because there are no costly doctor's fees to pay. It's just one more way that Walmart helps you to save money and live better."

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Comments
1

Recently many of these Mencken efforts have fallen totally flat with me. But when he's in form, can pack some real wisdom into a spoof. "[T]he majority of Walmart shoppers don't trust doctors to begin with" could be true. There are many otherwise functioning folks out there who prefer all those non-prescription, "clinically proven" nostrums peddled on the radio, TV and pulp mags to anything the medical profession and FDA approve. In fact, for some that lack of mainstream approval and use makes the medication all the more desirable. They are sure that the regular health-care system is holding back on the good stuff. So, having Walmart take an approach like this one is plausible. And, of course, Wally's is SUCH an inviting target!

Jan. 11, 2015

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4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
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