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To Celebrate Acquisition of Union-Tribune "Papa Doug" Manchester Adopts New Familial Nickname."

"No more 'Papa.' Just call me 'Big Brother'!"


GATHERING UP EVERYTHING THAT ISN'T BOLTED DOWN, UNION TRIBUNE HEADQUARTERS IN MISSION VALLEY - Well, it's official: Doug "Big Pappy" Manchester and his partner John "Video Killed the Radio Star" Lynch have purchased San Diego's daily newspaper, the Funion-Poltroon. The selling price was rumored to be $110 million, a figure which included the password to the Copley Rumpus Room, a subterranean party complex situated deep in the bowels of the paper's Mission Valley headquarters.

SD on the QT has received word that Big Bad Voodoo Daddy Manchester held a meeting with all remaining Whatta-Maroon staff late yesterday afternoon to addresses employee concerns about the change of ownership.

"Nothing is going to change here at the Crabby-Rangoon," began Manchester. "Except that I own the paper now. And we'll be moving the Real Estate section to the front of the paper. You know — give people what they want, a little news they can use. And we'll be devoting a lot of our resources to ferreting out corruption among major San Diego real estate developers who aren't me. We've got investigative reporters for that sort of thing, right? And there's gotta be some dirt on those bastards over at the Coastal Commission," he added, possibly referring to the commission's recent decision to reject the Navy waterfront project Manchester is handling. "I've got me a bullhorn here with the Endrun-Kaboom, and you damn well better believe I am going to use it."

"Oh, and cancel Garfield. I hate that cat."

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