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KNOCKING VERY HARD ON WOOD, SAN DIEGO READER OFFICES - Speaking to the entire terrified staff at the San Diego Whatta-Maroon today, new President and Grand Inquisitor Mickey Hedges said that he wanted to "create an environment and a space to allow the creativity and the passion that is in all of us to come out on the page. Doing that will undoubtedly mean a lot of spilled blood - er, ink. We want people to feel like they're working at Facebook or Google, places that are swimming in venture capital and cultural buzz. If you have to take prescription medication to detach from reality completely enough to get that feeling, then go ahead. We want everyone to be fired...up to come in here."

The new new Whatta-Maroon, said Hedges, "will be a progressive place, a place not bound to ancient concepts like 'news' or 'paper.' And it will be a place where you can turn first to find out what's going on in San Diego. That film girl, Alison Gang, for instance. We'll be asking her to tweet her reviews in real time, as she watches the film. There is simply no sense in waiting for something as slow and outdated as a blog post, a thing which may not arrive for hours or even days. Ditto food critic Keli Dailey. Is the waiter taking too long to refill your water glass? Let us know! Now, dammit! 'Tweet tweet' is the new 'Chop chop!'"

A visibly shaken Gang was then led from the conference room for media reprogramming therapy, but was allowed to take a bagel with lox and cream cheese from the breakfast buffet on her way out.

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