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Fred Williams

Money Flows Out of Brandes's Investment Firm, As Stock Portfolio Fails To Perform

When I was at the Jewel Ball I dressed in my most glamorous ballgown. Imagine my surprise when who should walk in but Tanya. We sat there powdering our noses together, discussing my hedge fund manager's performance (he's been dreadful lately), and the subject of the poor came up. So as I was chopping and lining up, Tanya revealed that she had actually stooped to speaking with a valet parking attendant once in what could be considered provocatively civil tones. I gasped, almost sneezing in shock, and she quickly assured me that nothing had come of it, and she'd had the low-life released from his restaurant service the following day. It's so horrible having to endure the envy of the lower classes, Don. None of you can possibly undersand how difficult it is to be glamorous and rich beyond the wildest avarice of Midas. As I was telling my therapist, even my dog, my beloved poochie-poochie-poo is more dear to me than the faceless nobodies this planet is so unfortunately burdened with. Oooh, they make me so upset, I wish they'd go away and leave us better folk to run the world. Now what were we chatting about? Oh yes, Tanya and the Jewel Ball. So after we finished powdering our noses, we had the attendants provide us eye-drops to brighten our eyes, but they dripped some right on Tanya's mascara! Can you imagine! Incompents, all of them. So I left her there as the manager was on his knees apologizing and returned to the gala night of dancing. I was the princess of the ball, I tell you...I danced with David all night. Oh, the memories...
— August 5, 2008 11:25 a.m.

The Cross Controversy

Josh, your baseless allegations that I'm performing sexual acts on the front yards of religious homeowners has not yet been proven in a court of law, and I'm sure the judge will find me innocent of all charges after I've made several discreet but large campaign contributions to his re-election fund. So back to serious matters. There are two important points to make here based on your previous posts... 1. Christians don't usually go to jails and talk to prisoners in America. Christians throw away the key in America. We all know the religious among us are not the exclusive holders of moral action or sentiment in this world. Quite the contrary, Christians along with their fellow mono-theists are frequently far less humane and caring than their secular counterparts, with a long tradition of advocating slavery, female subjegation, and violent action against non-believers right up to this day. There is not a single white (or black) supremecist group that does not use religion as part of its pitch. When has there ever been a suicide bombing in the name of atheism? Yet religion goes on to claim the mantle of provider of morals? Please! There's nothing particularly X-ian about doing good. Morality exists in spite of religion, not because of it. Don't give credit where it's not due, Josh. The dude doesn't do "Christian" work at the prison, he does humane work there, in spite of what religion generally prescribes here in America, which is unrelenting torture for the damned not only eternally, but here on earth too. 2. Helicopter decapatation with or without prior salvation is taken by Christians either way as God's will. How is your friend sure it wasn't Enki who mischeiviously upset the order of the universe and lobbed off the unfortunate airman's head? Heck, it could have been an Invisible Pink Unicorn that did the foul deed...how does he know? But X-ians claim everything is their own angry sky God's clumsy way of communicating with us. Hence, 9-11 was because of abortion, and Katrina was all about the gays, you know. Heads, God Wins! Tails, Humanity Loses! (The game is rigged.) Maybe Christians should earnestly pray that their mighty God learn how to use a freakin cell phone next time he's pissed off at humanity.
— August 5, 2008 9:39 a.m.

Friends Don't Let Friends....Do Stupid Things

Josh, listen to fumber. As your friend, I urge you to immediately give up your profession, slink away in shame, and hide somewhere until everyone has forgotten you ever existed. With your "daily drivel" (which, I admit, would make a great name for a fumber blog) you've rendered the cosmos asunder, causing havoc, pain and misery to most of the inhabitants of this planet. So in recognition and deep respect for our fragile and fleeting friendship, I urge you to embark immediately on a space vehicle and leave our galaxy. If there are no such vehicles currently available to you, there's nothing for it but to turn your life upside down right now. Step away from your computer. Yes, I know it's drastic, but as fumber says, no one really likes you. It's time to face facts. I'm your last friend, so I'm trying to help you find another line of work and another lifestyle. To use fumber as a shining example, I recommend that you move in with your parents. Since he's still living with his mom, you should too. As to a line of work that you can really shine in, I recommend you move into something really lucrative, like commenting on blog posts. As fumber knows, if you just write enough comments on other folks blogs, some day you'll be wealthy, powerful and successful. You'll have friends again. Your armpits will stop stinking and your mom will finally stop forcing you to eat lima beans. So take fumber's generous and kind advice, Josh. Give up. Quit. Move in with Mom. Spend your efforts commenting on other's posts. Your last and only friend, Fred
— August 4, 2008 8:22 p.m.

The Cross Controversy

I've never liked Adam Sandler movies, so that may be why we get along so famously, Josh. From what you've written, the religoius are enduring the lasting effects of early, methodical, difficult to reject brainwashing. The brainwashed, delusional, mentally ill, all deserve sympathy, but not respect. There is a difference. When a mentally ill person earnestly tells me there are purple octopodes hovering behind me, I'm polite and quickly disengage. Similarly, when a fundie is earnestly telling me that there is an angry sky god who disapproves of my masturbation, I'm usually going to avoid confrontation and just get away from them. In neither case do I give them respect. Respect means I'm going to ask questions, be interested in finding out more, perhaps want to know them better and exchange contact information. The religious get none of that from me. That doesn't mean I reject seemingly strange ideas. An example of this is "neurotheology", an awkward term that can encompass several interesting memes that are increasingly backed up by research. There is an area in your brain which, if stimulated, sometimes produces spiritual experiences. It's been observed in various brain scans. Go to www.ted.com and have a look at some of the neuroscientist lectures. Chemical and natural agents, LSD, shrooms, mescaline, produce spiritual effects in users. That old joke about hippies dropping acid and seeing God may turn out to be true. This all jives nicely with the known propensity for our simian brains to find patterns...even where none exists. Those who unwisely professed disbelief in most eras' sillly misperceptions were exterminated, leading one to believe that suseptability to the God virus has propogated widely in the surviving populations. The delusions this defect provokes, from flying spaghetti monsters to talking snakes and rib-women, deserve no respect. Only the same sympathy given to any other mental illness, obsession, or strange hobby. I know you agree and do the same, but perhaps you are lenient towards those who's delusions are similar to the ones you learned as a youngster. No?
— August 4, 2008 8:08 p.m.

Moores's JMI Knocks Condos Out of Austin Project, Citing San Diego Failures

Hmmm. Don, that's a good business oportunity if I ever heard one. Get the city to recognize, tax and regulate "lay for pay" in designated downtown buildings. City get's revenue from local and international visitors. Street prostitution is driven out of business. Police can focus on other crimes. Local employment is increased, especially for women and minorities. In addition, certain buildings can be designated as recognized recreational drug centers, taxed and regulated. Stays of a minimum of 24 hours required, where you cannot leave the safe confines of the building (no DUI or disorderly behavior problems). While in the building, a range of stimulants, halucinogens, euphorics, neurotheologics and other well-known recreational substances will be provided in measured dosages with trained medical staff and "trip consultants" on hand to provide any assistance required. After a pleasant 12 hour detox regimine and rest, visitors are free to leave. They may return up to five times a month and use all the intoxicants nature and science provides in a safe and sane manner, with the building hosting dinner-show restaurants, movies, discos, video parlors and games, as well as superior accomodations for sleeping anything off. All major credit cards accepted. A portion of the procedes goes to rehab programs, while the tax revenues ought to pull our city out of recession, leading the country to economic prosperity once again. Investors get your fat wallets ready. Famous Freddie's Lay and Play Fun Centers is looking for start-up capital. Huge returns on investment, plus you'll rid the streets of drugs and prostitution. The future is now..!!
— August 4, 2008 10:52 a.m.

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