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Stories by Walter Mencken

Madman Mencken’s Sports Etiquette Corner

It’s okay to hate someone for rooting for the other team. It’s just not okay to hate them for being a POC.

Coronado School Board comfortable with decision to fire head coach following tortilla-tossing incident

On Saturday, June 19th, Coronado High’s boys basketball team defeated Escondido’s Orange Glen 60-57 in overtime. After the game, at least one spectator began to toss tortillas onto the court. A postgame altercation had already ...

Perps and victims unite in call to remove law enforcement from campus

Last week, both students and faculty members from UCSD gathered with local social justice organizations to advocate for the removal of the UCPD, the branch of the police department that patrols the the university’s campus. ...

City expands outreach to vaccine-hesitant communities

“When we first started offering San Diegans the Covid-19 vaccine,” says Connie Spiracy, deputy director of media for the city’s Public Health office, “we found that there were two demographics where vaccine-hesitancy was dispiritingly high: ...

Public Health Officer/Science God thunders declaration from mountaintop: “THE PANDEMIC IS NOT OVER.”

As coronavirus cases continued to drop and California lifted its manifold restrictions on the life of its citizens, San Diego Public Health Officer Wilma Wooten took the opportunity to remind her people that “Governor Newsom ...

Biden dispatches Antifa and other protesters to crisis zone

As the border crisis deepens and wave after wave of hopeful migrants crashes against Trump’s evil wall, President Biden has taken bold action to address the problem. “It’s clear these folks love America, or at ...

SDSU prof says that when times get tough, moviegoers want men on screen

According to a new study from San Diego State’s Center for the Study of Women and Television in Film, the percentage of top-grossing films featuring female protagonists dropped from 40% in 2019 to just 29% ...

Lincoln High students respond to taunting t-shirt with one of their own

In 1988, the No. 1 Miami Hurricanes football team played No. 4 Notre Dame in a thrilling game that came down to the last second. Prior to the game, a pair of Notre Dame students ...

Mayor Gloria under fire for diverting funds from police to so-called “libraries”

San Diegans from all walks of life are calling for both explanation and change from Mayor Todd Gloria following the release of his proposed city budget. At issue is his proposal that the city’s police ...

Old Joe and the Border Boys

Press release from Progressive Pictures: “Old Joe and the Border Boys tells the thrilling story of 19,000 kids living in Central America who hear President Biden announce that he’s going to stop deportations for the ...

Tatis Jr. suffers “Jacob’s joint” injury as punishment for his anointing as Padres’ savior

Yesterday, God Almighty called a press conference to announce that he was responsible for the shoulder injury suffered by Padres superstar Fernando Tatis, Jr., who tore his labrum at the end of a mighty swing ...

City officials beg courts to declare Measure C passed so that Convention Center can expand services to migrant minors.

San Diego’s Measure C, which would have raised the city’s hotel tax in an effort to secure funds for a Convention Center expansion, came tantalizingly close to obtaining the two-thirds majority required for passage. But ...

Councilman LaCava calls for redesign

“The current seal of the City of San Diego erases the history of the Indigenous People who occupied this land long before us, and glorifies the people who stole it,” says newly elected councilman Joe ...

Homeless residents of Convention Center moved out in favor of Unaccompanied Minor Migrants

“Everybody knows that homelessness is the single greatest humanitarian crisis facing the city of San Diego,” says Mayor Todd Gloria. “But some crises are bigger than just one city. Some crises are national in scope. ...

Biden Administration begins Operation Staycation in effort to convince would-be migrants to remain in-country.

“The President of the United States believes that families are the bedrock of a healthy society,” says Sam Turnback, head of the Biden Administration’s Operation Staycation. “That may seem obvious, but when you hear that ...

UCSD torches library and its contents in atonement for years spent honoring hateful author

Once, Sylvia Burner was head librarian at UCSD’s Geisel Library — the campus’s signature building, named for La Jolla’s most famous citizen, beloved children’s author Ted Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss. Once, she paused every morning ...

San Diego renamed after Mayor in wake of Junipero Serra High renaming

“I believe the children are the future,” says onetime San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria. “They can carry us to a brighter tomorrow, if only we have the courage to let them. So when the students ...

Gavin Newsom: A Governer we can all get behind... and push out of office

[Paid political advertisement] Today, Former San Diego Mayor and would-be replacement governor Kevin Faulconer unveiled his first campaign poster, an attack ad on beleaguered governor Gavin Newsom that doesn’t even mention Faulconer’s name. “I have ...

Fernando Tatis, Jr. puts aside “childish things” like World Series rings, signs lucrative 14-year contract with Padres

Recently, Padres superstar Fernando Tatis, Jr. signed a 14-year, $340 million contract with the San Diego Padres. It was the longest contract ever signed, as well as the third-richest, and the most certain to keep ...

Mayor Gloria opens vacant schools to local homeless community

“It’s no secret that San Diego is facing a serious financial shortfall,” says San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria. “With tourism reduced to almost nothing thanks to covid, we’re just not getting the tax revenue we ...

Hillcrest vandalism being investigated as rare gay-on-black hate crime

On January 25, worshippers at the University Christian Church in Hillcrest discovered that the night previous, someone had spattered paint on the Black Lives Matter sign adorning their building, as well as two of the ...

God declares Himself unimpressed with Chula Vista Church’s role in Supreme Court decision to re-open churches for indoor worship.

Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court ruled that California could no longer ban indoor worship service, thanks in no small part to the lawsuit filed against the state by Chula Vista’s South Bay United Pentecostal ...

Biden’s Border Backtrack

Already under fire for his failure alleviate a situation in which, as White House press secretary Jen Psaki told reporters last week, “the vast majority” of individuals seeking to enter the United States from Mexico ...

First batch of female Marine recruits arrive at Camp Pendleton for training

Just kidding. These are actually all trans women, eager to take advantage of President Biden’s reversal of Trump’s transgender ban for the military. Just kidding. These are all cis het drag queens, eager to take ...

City Health Department addresses vaccine hesitancy among black community with cool representative superhero

Recent surveys have indicated that while roughly 20% of the White, Hispanic, and Asian communities would not take the covid-19 vaccine even if it were available to them, nearly 40% of the Black community would ...

Governor replaces Stay-at-Home order with Stay-in-Office order

Last Monday, California Governor Gavin Newsom surprised many by lifting the stay-at-home order that had shuttered many restaurants and restricted other business and activity throughout much of the state. “Yessir, it’s Newsom’s new deal,” said ...

After covid-19 is detected among residents of San Diego Safari Park, prudent primates practice positive peer pressure

Safari Park gorillas keep their distance from Maga, the only member of the troop who refuses to wear a mask.

Fletcher’s Founding Framework

In a brave, bold move that will no doubt serve as inspiration to many of his fellow whites, Nathan Fletcher today announced his intention to relinquish his position as a newly elected county supervisor to ...

Slain Capitol protestor honored by community for championing counterculture

“Ocean Beach has a long, proud history of political protest, peaceful and otherwise,” says Fred Hippy, publisher of the OB Fishwrap. “We threw rocks at cops during the Easter and Labor Day riots of 1968. ...

2020 in hindsight

Disclaimer: None of this ever really happened. But then, La Mesa did burn on national television… O’Brien: Ah, Mr. Mencken. San Diego Reader, SD on the QT: Almost Factual News, isn’t it? Come in, sit ...

CDC pleads with San Diegans not to take advantage of incredible deals on covid-19 vaccine - with no waiting!

“Look, everybody knows that Big Pharma is a scam,” says Ronald Pillpopper, an Imperial Beach resident who has traveled to Tijuana to get his coronavirus vaccine “without having to go through all the hassle and ...

BSA retires top badge just in time to welcome first non-boy recipients

Nineteen-year-old Andru Gynous of BSA Troop 1435 out of Poway’s Oddfellows Hall is having a special 2020: they have achieved the double honor of being among the first Scouts not identifying as male to receive ...

Newly confirmed Catholic Supreme Court Justice authors opinion affirming right of San Diego strip clubs to remain open despite pandemic

There will be no midnight Masses this Christmas Eve in California, thanks to the curfew imposed by the governor’s stay-at-home order, imposed in an effort to stop the rapid proliferation of covid-19. And there will ...

USS Bonhomme Richard to be repurposed as dive-in museum of recent Naval history

“People love visiting the Midway Museum, and why not?” asks Navy spokeswab James Portside. “It rightly celebrates our Navy’s great achievements. But as the recent burning of the Bonhomme Richard makes clear, our recent past ...

Confirmed report of Mayor Faulconer eating solitary Thanksgiving meal propels him to front-runner status for California governor

“Honestly, it started as a joke,” says Mayor Faulconer of his solitary, microwaved repast on Thanksgiving day. “After Governor Newsom went to that big party at the French Laundry, then fudged about it being an ...

Bishop McElroy stresses need for cooperation with Catholic president-elect, despite differences

The Catholic Church teaches that abortion is “gravely contrary to the moral law,” that formal cooperation in an abortion results in excommunication, and that “the law must provide appropriate penal sanctions for every deliberate violation ...

San Diego deemed perfect setting for season two of Disney+ quasi-hit

Last week, the California Film Commission announced that Disney+’s The Right Stuff, an adaptation of the Tom Wolfe novel about the American space program, would be filming its second season in San Diego, thus allowing ...

Mayor Faulconer cancels Thanksgiving holiday for San Diego

“I don’t see why anybody should complain,” said Mayor Faulconer at yesterday’s press conference in which he declared Thanksgiving officially canceled for the city of San Diego. “You’re not allowed to gather, anyway. If you ...

Amazon’s Bezos gives Institute $30 million to find “cure” for ailing climate

Last week, Amazon overlord Jeff Bezos announced the first winners in his $10 billion climate change giveaway; among them was La Jolla’s own Salk Institute, the recipient of $30 million in recognition of its potential ...

Shuttered Universal Studios Theme Park partners with Sea World for exciting new live show

“Naturally, we were saddened when we had to report an 80-percent drop in attendance over our third quarter and a $370 million decline in revenue,” says Sea World Director of Attractions Gary Gore. I never ...

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