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Stories by Walter Mencken

Biden awards first-ever Smollett Medal to Hillcrest burn victim

According to area homosexual Scott Rowin, he was assaulted by multiple men in Hillcrest during Pride Month, men who doused him with flammable liquid and set him on fire while shouting gay slurs. He suffered …

Not the Faulcon, but the Phoenix

Faulconer: “If Trump can run again to reclaim his throne after losing to an ineffectual Democrat, then why can’t I?”

Homeless community divided over best response to camping ban

When the San Diego City Council voted to ban camping on public property within city limits as long as shelter beds were available, it sent a shockwave through San Diego’s homeless community. When the dust …

Some are Welcome in this Place

In recent weeks, the once staid City of Carlsbad has been roiled by controversy — first over the decision to fly the Pride flag over city hall, and then over the possible inclusion of Diversity, …

Following Federal visit to border, Imperial Beach mayor sends Mr. Floatie to White House

IB Mayor Paloma Aguirre: “I tried sending President Biden a letter letting him know how dire the situation here really is. But all I got was a bunch of talk from Senator Padilla. So I …

Padres’ park sponsor expands efforts in wake of Friar’s folly

“Stereotypes about crazy cat ladies and men with small dogs aside, Petco has long been a supporter of LGBTQIA+ rights,” said Sally Stopgap at a press conference this week announcing the company’s decision to champion …

Swinging Friar denounces Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence

Following last week’s decision by the Los Angeles Dodgers to host the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence at their annual Pride Day event, the Padres’ Swinging Friar gave a rare public statement. “For many years now, …

Who’s Your Padre?

The San Diego Padres announced today that, following his controversial remarks regarding the Los Angeles Dodgers’ welcoming of the Sisters of Indulgence at their annual Pride Day festivities, the Swinging Friar mascot would be placed …

You Can’t Fight City Hall…

Statement from Walter Mencken: Here at SD on the QT, we try to avoid making the obvious joke. Well, most of the time. But when you get a slow news week combined with the city’s …

Weight Loss titan Jenny Craig forced to shut down operations

Last week, visitors to the Jenny Craig website were surprised to find its usual offerings of subscription meal plans, exercise regimens, and articles on weight loss and nutrition replaced by a blunt message: “We give …

The Boys in Biden’s Band

Last week, the Biden Administration announced that it would be sending 1500 troops to the United States’ southern border, in anticipation of a migrant surge following the expiration of Title 42, which allowed for the …

Statutory Grape legal once again in National City

Way back in the ‘90s, National City banned lowrider cruising on highland avenue, citing concerns about crime and congestion. Some city councilpeople worried openly that the practice was attracting “the wrong element,” a claim that …

San Diego Zoo rodent ambassador’s mission to New York City backfires

When New York City Mayor Eric Adams introduced rat czar Kathleen Corradi two weeks ago, touting her willingness to commit to the wholesale slaughter of the city’s dirty and diseased rat population, San Diego Zoo …

City’s 7-11s launch Operation Opera in effort to clear sidewalks near downtown locations

Recently, a number of 7-11 owners around the country have admitted that they play opera inside their stores in a surprisingly successful effort to drive away the homeless. Still more recently, a number of 7-11 …

UConn inexplicably forced to return to Connecticut after vanquishing San Diego State

“I don’t get it,” says guard Trenton Newton, who led the University of Connecticut Huskies to victory over the San Diego State Aztecs in the 2023 NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship on April 3. “We beat …

Legoland town council to hold emergency meeting on homeless encampments in newly opened San Diego exhibit

Last Monday, Legoland California proudly celebrated the long-awaited opening of its San Diego miniland, which joins famous urban landscapes like New York, Los Angeles, and New Orleans at the world-renowned theme park. And last Tuesday, …

Rich’s Nightclub donates exclusionary flag to Museum of Tolerance

“I was horrified,” says Rich’s Nightclub Director of Rectitude Natasha Trigger-Warning, recalling the moment that staff discovered a Pride flag featuring Harvey Milk’s friend Gilbert Baker’s original eight-color design. “On the one hand, seeing a …

MTS ≠ Making Transit Sexy

“In hindsight,” says MTS Spokesman Ellen Speed, “it may have been a mistake to fire Public Relations specialist Grecia Figueroa on the same day Nathan Fletcher announced his bid for state senate, especially given the …

Fletcher Falls to Filner’s Folly

“It’s baffling,” says San Diego Democratic Party Chair Becca Taylor. “Democrats are obviously the good guys in this world, fighting against the policies of the racist, sexist, corrupt, exploitative Republicans. And here in San Diego, …

Philandering Fletcher announces withdrawal from public life

Statement from County Supervisor Nathan Fletcher: “As I look back over my career as a County Supervisor — at my support for draconian lockdown measures during covid, at my insistence on covid vaccines for low-risk …

Pink God and Gay Jesus come to the defense of local pastor

Progressive Christian pastor Caleb J. Lines, Senior Minister at University Christian Church in San Diego, gained national attention recently for his proclamation that “Drag is holy” on social media. Some conservative Christians objected to the …

La Mesa settles lawsuit with protestor partially blinded by bean bag

On May 30 of 2020, La Mesa police detective Eric Knudson fired a bean bag round at Leslie Furcron as she took part in a protest outside the La Mesa Police Department. Protestors were throwing …

Springsteen adds San Diego tour date in response to homeless crisis

“Ordinarily, I wouldn’t bother bringing a tour to a pleasant paradise sort of place like San Diego,” said Bruce Springsteen at a press conference announcing the surprise addition of a Pechanga Arena concert during his …

Red Hot Ma-Ma!

Last week, 34-year-old award-winning Lincoln Acres Elementary School teacher Jacqueline Ma was arrested on six felony counts of sexual misconduct with a child under the age of 14, including three counts of oral copulation. And …

In-Gloria-s Basterds

“It’s hard being homeless,” said homeless person and Tent City mayor Will Balton, speaking at a recent city council special session on homelessness in San Diego. “You’ve got the cold and the cops to deal …

San Diego prelate directs diocese to file for moral bankruptcy

Recently, the Catholic Diocese of San Diego announced that it was considering entering financial bankruptcy in light of additional lawsuits brought against it by victims of sexual abuse. (The diocese already paid $198 million to …

Padres GM dismisses criticism of star after he announces plan to opt out of contract

In 2019, Manny Machado signed a 10-year, $300 million contract with the San Diego Padres; at the time, it was the largest free agent contract in American sports history. But that was then. In the …

Scientists urge beachfront property owners: “Donate to science! Or at least scientists!”

“Look, it just makes sense,” said National Ocean Level Academy President Reginald Smart in his address to the California Coastal Commission on Monday. “Scripps Institute of Oceanography is where? On the ocean. Because that’s where …

Dr. Seuss publisher and estate announce plan to produce sequel to beloved book

Last week, Random House Children’s Books announced its plan to release a new Grinch story later this year. Titled How the Grinch Lost Christmas!, it tells the touching story of a desperate industry’s attempt to …

THE CURRENT CINEMA

(All captions taken from local headlines/subheads.)

Biden Administration unveils new slogan to celebrate reopening of border gate: “You’ll be fine, just stay in line!”

San Ysidro’s PedWest border crossing is reopening this week after more than two years of closure in the wake of covid-19, and to celebrate, President Biden outlined a plan by which 30,000 people per month …

Buttigieg visits site of Great Southwest SNAFU, offers deepest condolences

Southwest Airlines left over a million passengers stranded over the Christmas holiday, thanks to a combination of terrible weather, even more terrible management and systems updates, and a government so hands off it might as …

Pair of male gorillas set up safe space at San Diego Safari Park

“We see this all the time in the wild,” says San Diego Zoo gorilla therapist Elaine Silverback. “Monroe and Frank had been living in a troop led by 50-year-old Winston, but when they reached sexual …

God and the San Diego Padres

[Disclaimer: None of this really happened. Well, some of it did.] My forebear H.L. was no great fan of religion. He famously said that “faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the …

Touched by an Angel

Yesterday, God Almighty called a press conference to announce that he was responsible for the shoulder injury suffered by Padres superstar Fernando Tatis, Jr., who tore his labrum at the end of a mighty swing …

Un-Kemped

“For a long time,” says Padres executionary chairman Rod Fouler, “the word around Major League Baseball was that the San Diego Padres couldn’t pay to get someone to take Matt Kemp off their hands. Giant …

Padres vs. Il Padre

Following the Padres’ heartbreaking playoff loss to the Dodgers, the team’s Swinging Friar fell to his knees, lifted his eyes to the heavens, and cried in a loud voice, “Eloi, eloi, lama sabachthani? My God, …

Diver$ity & Inclu$ion at UCSD

In a TikTok video that recently went viral after being featured on the LibsOfTikTok social media channel, former UCSD instructor Dr. Chandler Purrity, announced that, in an effort to “decolonize” her classroom, she gave automatic …

Resonance Consultancy ranking for San Diego leaves out key demographic

Earlier this month, Resonance Consultancy released its highly regarded list of the 100 World’s Best Cities in which to live. It’s no surprise that San Diego made the list, but it was a surprise to …

Stats confirm wisdom of Xander Bogaerts acquisition

“Yeah, we’ve already got Ha-Seong Kim at short,” acknowledges Padres game-analysis guru Sam Statz when asked about the Padres’ offseason spending spree. “And yeah, when [Fernando] Tatis gets back from suspension, we’ll have two shortstops. …

Heroic fictional soccer coach bumps up against real-world football villainy

A few years ago, Jason Sudeikis scored a surprise hit for Apple TV with his show Ted Lasso, the story of an American football coach possessed of a relentlessly cheerful disposition and an abiding sense …

Santee politician Randy Voepel protests against media’s attempts to link him to his grandchild’s alleged crimes

“When I saw the news, my first thought was for the victims,” says Assemblyman Randy Voepel (R-Santee) of the Club Q shooting in Colorado Springs. “My second thought was for my poor grandson, who may …

Phanksy Punks Padres

Shortly before the Padres’ ill-fated National League Championship Series against the Philadelphia Phillies, the artists behind Ground Floor murals felt inspired to create a work showing the San Diego Chicken standing over the Phillie Phanatic …

SDGE rebrands, hikes rates in anticipation of new regulations

Statement from company spokesman Max Power: “Look, California is going to ban the sale of gas-powered heaters by 2030. And the city is going to phase out funning gas lines to new construction over the …

Transportation Secretary Buttigieg visits San Diego amid rail closure crisis

As both companies and commuters struggle to deal with the closure of rail service between Los Angeles and San Diego due to unstable bluff conditions beneath the coast-hugging tracks, the Biden Administration has sent Transportation …

Art for blink-182’s long-awaited comeback album pays tribute to 1999 breakthrough

“2022 was a huge year for the band,” says Travis Barker, longtime drummer for San Diego pop-punk giants blink-182. “First, [bassist and founding member Mark] Hoppus got cancer — which, thankfully, was diagnosed and successfully …

Disney Disses Drag Divas

Last week, concerned parents gathered in Encinitas to protest a flier that had been posted on the school district’s information hub Peachjar, advertising an October 29 Boo Bash in Hillcrest — “The Queerest Free Halloween …

Local cannabis activist praises new city policy

Last week, San Diego formally instituted its cannabis equity program, aimed at aiding people of color with previous drug convictions to enter the legal cannabis industry. The program will facilitate loans, help provide startup funding, …

DA ruled mentally competent prosecute Larry Millete

Last week, San Diego Superior Court Judge Cindy Davis found Larry Millete mentally competent to stand trial for the murder of his wife Maya Millete, who disappeared in January of 2021. This was despite a …

Mean Clean Streets

"Gavin Newsom taught us a valuable lesson when he implemented the CARE Act allowing for enforced treatment and housing of homeless people suffering from mental illness,” said San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria during the press …

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