When the Friar cried, “Lord, do you want me to call down fire from heaven and destroy these people?” he was quoting from the Gospel of Luke, and the heavens did seem to respond. But while the Sisters applauded his theatricality, they remained unmoved. “Jesus said he came to set fire to the earth, and that he wished it were already kindled,” cried Sister Penny Tense from atop her platform heels. “And honey, let me tell you, we have been positively flaming since I don’t know when.”

Following last week’s decision by the Los Angeles Dodgers to host the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence at their annual Pride Day event, the Padres’ Swinging Friar gave a rare public statement. “For many years now, I have been honored and grateful to serve as the mascot for the San Diego Padres. But the fact remains that I am also a Catholic priest who has taken a vow of obedience and service to the Church. And it is in that capacity that I feel obligated to speak out against this offense to God and baseball. The Sisters make a mockery of Catholic nuns and their vows of chastity. For a team representing a city named after Our Lady, Queen of the Angels, this seems especially egregious. As Our Lord Jesus said, ‘Out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality…These are the things that defile a man.’ I will not sully the names of Sodom and Gommorah by comparing them to Los Angeles, but a bit of fire and brimstone may be in order.”