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Stories by Walter Mencken

San Diego Lotharios rejoice at news of mandatory 10 pm nightlife shutdown

A San Diego couple on their first date survey the post-10 pm social wasteland and contemplate their options.

The Red, White, and Blue can never tell a lie: San Diego was the place to be for the Fourth of July!

Newsom knew something: San Diego was just about the only place in Southern California where real Americans could celebrate America’s birthday.

Customer complaint chases bullying Starbucks barista from corona-crazed coffee collective

When San Diego Starbucks barista Lenin Gutierrez rudely refused to serve a woman because she was not wearing a protective mask, she took to Facebook to complain, noting, “Next time I will wait for cops ...

There are four differences between the two pictures of protests below. Can you spot them? Check the answers to see how you did!

Top picture has unvandalized network logo and intact windows. 2. Top photo features network founder respectfully dialoguing with protesters. 3. Network in top photo is upfront about its partisan political allegiance. 4. Network in top ...

University of California endorses diversity measure

The University of California’s Board of Regents voted last week to address “original sin of this country” by seeking to repeal Prop 209, which voters approved in 1996 to ban “preferential treatment” for minority groups. ...

Band goes from Village People to Boat People after Pride shaming

“It started with the Cop, of course,” says the Village People’s Biker. “Didn’t matter that he’s black. San Diego Pride said that law enforcement could no longer have a contingent at the Pride Parade, because ...

Statues stored for sake of safety (and sanity)

“When the City of Chula Vista opted to remove the statue of Christopher Columbus from its home in Discovery Park and place it in storage ahead of a planned protest, it got me thinking,” says ...

Tagger plasters extreme views all over seemingly reasonable building in Allied Gardens

“I was shocked,” said local American Sam Eagle. “This is America. I know we have freedom of speech, but that does not give anyone the right to undermine an extremely profitable — and at the ...

Casinos defend decision to re-open despite governor’s concerns

Ad depicting line of eager patrons outside of Viejas on re-opening day. “Life is like a casino,” observes Viejas spokesman Ron Ponyup. “Most people are suckers, happy to be governed by chance. A few pay ...

San Diego Schools welcome end of so-called “distance learning”

“School is about so much more than data transfer from teacher to student,” says Dahmer High School English teacher Pamela Ratched. “It’s about the crucial socialization that takes part in the classroom, the lunchroom, and ...

Newly reopened restaurants prepare to enforce social distancing with surplus sex dolls.

Matt McMullen had a problem. The founder of San Marcos-based luxury sex doll company RealDoll had, as he puts it, “a factory full of way too many bodies in close proximity. I mean, literally stacked ...

Who stole your iPod, don't embarrass the Hell's Angels

Don't Embarrass the Hells Angels They will not tolerate someone pretending to be a member who is not really a member. By Eva Knott, July 25, 2012 Roman Abramovich Yacht on San Diego’s Embarcadero It ...

May 23, 2020
Marines resume training despite recent coronavirus outbreak

Fight the invisible enemy! Actual Marine recruitment poster. (Well, mostly.)

Will the real Gavin Newsom please stand up?

The liquid-metal, shape-shifting governator, clockwise from upper left: That Trump-loving MAGA tool Newsom lays out his plan to start re-opening California, sacrificing who knows how many vulnerable lives for the sake of economic recovery. It’s ...

Algorithm responsible for Santee man’s unfortunate face mask

Last week, a shopper showed up at a Santee Vons wearing the required face mask. Well, maybe not the required face mask: his nose and mouth were covered, but by a makeshift Ku Klux Klan ...

Sea Lions declare victory in Battle of La Jolla Beach

“They’ve been gone for months now. We’ve won! Even if they came back, they wouldn’t dare dislodge us!”

Not playing in a theater near you! Covid Cinema Presents:

Once, all we had to fear from the Youngs was Reefer Madness, Biker Gangs, and Gangsta Rap. Those were the Good Old Days! Can anything save us from these Terrifying Teens for whom Surfing is ...

Art Institute of Chicago alters pointillist painting, lends it to San Diego in anticipation of parks opening

“Art is a living thing,” said Mayor Faulconer as he unveiled the revised masterwork, edited to illustrate the proper mode of social distancing as determined by the City in the wake of the coronavirus outbreak. ...

Mother Nature lays waste to Balboa Park after learning of canceled 2020 Earth Day celebration

Speaking from a crack in the earth’s crust so deep that it revealed the seething magma that forever threatens to burst forth and consume all life, human and otherwise, on the face of the planet ...

Mayor O'Connor goes slumming in Balboa Park, Mayor Faulconer reads Dr. Seuss racist book

Caught between a hug and a hard place If you move to somewhere on the East Coast, such as Boston, NYC, or Philadelphia, fewer people will try to hug you, mostly because they’re all too ...

April 25, 2020
Image Reha-bat-itation

Clockwise from upper left: 1. Bat soup served at Wuhan wet market, likely epicenter of the coronavirus. (Well, either that or the Wuhan Institute of Virology, but let’s stick with bats for the moment.) 2. ...

Convention Center braces for an itinerant iteration of its annual showpiece

COVID-CON promises to bring more than 800 homeless people to the Convention Center floor for a cultural gathering unlike any other! Unfortunately, the event is not open to the general public, but those lucky enough ...

Reminder: San Diego Reader approved by FDA*

FDA statement: “While many print publications have succumbed to the coronavirus due to their advanced age and underlying market conditions — we’re thinking here of San Diego Magazine, San Diego Home & Garden, and wow, ...

OAN v CNN re: FDR

President Trump’s regular, televised briefings on the coronavirus and our nation’s efforts to fight it have proven hugely popular, but not universally so. Cable news outlet CNN has regularly provided truncated or no coverage of ...

TP Mummy torn roll from roll by crazed, pantsless mob

Not long after, the hapless victim’s crappy costume was reduced to just that, while his naked, lifeless body was hung from a lamppost in a Spring Valley Wal-Mart parking lot as a warning to others.

Governor Newsom clarifies order regarding closure of all but “essential” businesses

Good citizen Reggie Minuteman demonstrates just how essential guns can be in a crisis situation.

Pan-demic

Even the trees show forth the deadly virus

Beware the Bat-Man!

“Everybody knows the Batman origin story,” says Santee deepfaker Mike Troller. “Young rich kid Bruce Wayne sees his parents murdered before his eyes. After he grows up and becomes a wealthy playboy, he travels to ...

Is Thanos to blame for coronavirus outbreak?

Above:Thanos, the cosmic culler who sought to restore balance to creation by eliminating half of all life in the universe. His first attempt, using the power of the infinity stones, was initially a success, but ...

Bouncy “bug balls” among only things left for sale at Mission Valley Walmart

Not exactly a viral sensation. Water, toilet paper, and hand sanitizer, however...

Green with Envy

At a press conference held last week at the County Coroner’s Office, a visibly agitated Flu made the case for increased media attention to the three reporters in attendance. “I killed 86 San Diegans this ...

Quarantined Princess Cruise passengers enjoy Miramar Marine experience

“Every cruise offers passengers the opportunity to sit on a deck chair and do nothing but drink frilly cocktails for hours while they wait for the sushi buffet to be restocked,” says Princess spokesman Reginald ...

Ashford Ascendant

Following the announcements last week by many major universities, including UCSD, that they would be suspending classroom instruction and moving to online classes in an effort to slow the inevitable spread of coronavirus, Ashford spokeswoman ...

Sea World to name new coaster attraction after market plunge

Continuing its transition from fancy water circus to Damp Disneyland, Sea World San Diego is scheduled to open its newest roller coaster this summer. And last week, park Spokesman Ron Hurtler announced the coaster’s name. ...

Coronavirus arrives in San Diego

In news we sincerely wish was merely almost factual, San Diego has had its first confirmed cases of coronavirus, otherwise known as COVID-19, otherwise known as we’re all gonna die. In news we even more ...

Balboa Park to tear up a parking lot

Last week, Balboa Park announced plans to remove nearly 150 parking places currently situated in the park’s South Palisades region, and to replace them with the promenade laid out in the park’s master plan of ...

LA Rivers runs out of town

Last week, Chargers management revealed their intention to part ways with longtime quarterback Philip Rivers after 16 tumultuous seasons. Owner Dean Spanos released this statement to the press following the announcement. “For many years, Philip ...

City Attorney Elliott: Take no part in the untruthful works of darkness, but instead expose them!

Recently, City Attorney Mara Elliott declared that she was not going to turn her back on “a powerful crime-solving tool that removes murderers and rapists from our streets” — namely, smart street lights that record ...

Scott Eastwood follows his father into the Wild West

They tried to kill his beloved Marisol. They tried hanging their spiteful signs all over town. But Scott Eastwood is a man who will go to any measure for his beloved Measure G!

Grab these Concrete Breasts

Never mind the original Maltese Falcon or Luke’s lightsaber from A New Hope; now you can own one of the truly great pieces of movie memorabilia! As the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station begins its ...

Operation Briar Patch

Statement from Border Patrol Gardener Mel Eficent (left): “The Border Patrol deeply regrets its overreach in bulldozing the border garden at Friendship Park, which has for so long served as a symbol of the harmony ...

Symbol of equality ground underfoot in hateful Hillcrest crosswalk prank

Two weeks ago, Hillcrest residents woke to a horrible surprise: a vandal had replaced the white stripes of a heavily trafficked neighborhood crosswalk with the colors of both the iconic rainbow flag and the more ...

Pornhub protests purity probe prohibition

San Diego Assemblywoman Lorena Gonzales recently introduced AB 1909 into the California legislature. If passed, the bill would outlaw virginity testing — the inspection of the hymen to determine whether or not it is intact. ...

Andy Green Does Baseball

Earlier this month, San Diego Superior Court Judge Kevin Enright awarded $12.75 million to 22 women who claimed that the operators of the website GirlsDoPorn.com tricked them into, well, doing porn. Though the women signed ...

Slow and Steady Galapagos tortoise Wins the Race at the San Diego Zoo

When the San Diego Zoo sent Diego the tortoise to the Galapagos Islands in 1977, there were only two makes of his species left there. But over the next 40 years, the rapacious reptile fathered ...

Questions persist following San Diego Zoo’s announcement of beloved elephant’s death

A thread of President Trump’s Tweetstorm following the announcement of Tembo’s death at 48: “I find it highly suspicious that the San Diego Zoo has chosen this moment to euthanize one of its (obviously) Republican ...

Sea World ride “refuses to let go” twice in one month

The 2013 documentary Blackfish represented a sea change for SeaWorld, unleashing as it did a wave of protests and public outcry over the amusement park’s treatment of both killer whales and the park employees who ...

Pardoned SEAL Eddie Gallagher endorses products, politicians

The New York Times may have published leaked statements from former Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher’s accusers saying that he is evil and toxic, and that he wants to kill anybody he can, but you know ...

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