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Stories by Walter Mencken

Moved by Movies

Cinephiles hope to spark sympathy for stranded migrants through the power of sepia-tinted film

“Has America ever seen Casablanca?” asks local film lover Roberto Azul. “Here you have a movie that is generally regarded as the second-greatest film of all time — right after Citizen Kane, which is, coincidentally, ...

Mission Accomplished

Migrant caravan prepares to return home after successful 3700km fundraising walk

THE BORDER — “Well, we did it,” said Caminar Por La Cura migrant caravan organizer Susan K. Roamin. “We walked all the way from Honduras to the border between Mexico and the United States, and ...

Vivx Lx Razx

UCSD tells Latinx/Chicanx students they must abandon their “hopelessly gendered language”

“When the Spanish came to the Americas,” says UCSD’s Dean of Re-education Manuela Gonzalez, “they were not content to bring a nightmare of slaughter, disease, pillage, and exploitation. They went further, imposing upon the people ...

VA = Vivisected Army?

Ho skips town after going too far with drunk vets

“San Diego VA division chief Dr. Samuel Ho crossed a line,” says whistleblower Maria Chin. “Running catheters through the necks of numerous alcoholics with deeply compromised health in order to take liver biopsies? There’s a ...

Thanksgiving Feast

E. coli looks up from the plates of a Rancho Santa Fe family gathered together to feast during the a record year for foodborne illness and realizes it has a lot to be thankful for.

The Seventh Siamang

Paltry pill can’t prevent primate procreation

Earlier this month, the San Diego Zoo’s siamang gibbon Eloise gave birth to her seventh child, despite the fact that she had been receiving chemical contraceptives for years. Even though gibbons are an endangered species, ...

TOP GUN

Local Marines join Mile High/Miles Long Club

In 2015, a pilot in a private plane used a GPS path-tracking device to draw a 12.4 mile penis (1) over the sky in Florida. (Length does not include testicles.) At the time, people dismissed ...

The Trojan Mary?

Immigration officials investigate planned 40-foot statue of the Virgin Mary as Lady Liberty in San Ysidro

Beacon or distraction? “The fundraising campaign at welcomethestranger.us claims that the monument will serve ‘as a beacon of welcome,’” says Border Patrol Investigator Travis Wahl. “But after consulting with several art critics, we’ve determined that ...

Maverick’s Middle

Top Gun sequel filming in Coronado before heading into the desert

Coronado fans of Tom Cruise and ‘80s blockbusters got a big thrill last week as Tom was spotted cruising around town on a motorcycle while filming scenes for Top Gun: Maverick, a sequel to the ...

Seaus Settle, Sort Of

The NFL was only the beginning

Last week, the family of Chargers linebacking legend Junior Seau reached a confidential settlement with the National Football League over their wrongful death lawsuit that claimed Seau’s 2012 suicide was the result of chronic traumatic ...

The Bishop's Banana

McElroy’s Listening Tour gets off to confusing start

Following revelations that he sat on a letter that testified to ex-Cardinal McCarrick’s sexual misbehavior instead of passing it along to the man whose job he hoped to one day take (Cardinal Wuerl of Washington ...

Mission O-ccomplished

Ofo announces completion of plan to donate thousands of bikes to homeless

“This was always the goal,” says Ofo spokes-man Sherman Fixie. “Charging people to ride our bright yellow bikes was a way to cover the cost of administration, production, and distribution. But we never planned to ...

The Untouchables

SDPD seeks men of “heroic endurance” for special unit

City councilman Chris Cate has proposed new regulations for the city’s massage parlors, regulations that will, in his words “provide the San Diego Police Department and City Attorney’s office with the tools needed to effectively ...

SDSU SNAFU

“I am SDSU” outreach campaign botches billboard placements

SDSU SNAFU

Everything’s Under Contr-oops!

Southern California Edison welcomes Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspection

Everything’s Under Contr-oops!

Wal-Mart Labs to open in San Diego

Company plans to develop pharmaceuticals that are “not quite as good, but much, much cheaper!”

Wal-Mart Labs to open in San Diego

Bishop Bob’s Backyard Bonfire

Putatively progressive prelate McElroy goes old school; exhumes body of whistleblower Richard Sipe and has it burned

Bishop Bob’s Backyard Bonfire

The Art of the Steal

Trump chumps Hunter after embattled Congressman attempts comparison between them

The Art of the Steal

Gabby DiMarco elected to Beer Ball Hall of Fame on First Ballot

Trevor who?

NO, NOT REALLY - Last January, the Hoff finally made the HoF: ace Padres reliever Trevor Hoffman, whose 601 saves are second only to Mariano Rivera, appeared on 79.9 percent of the ballots cast by ...

San Diego State debuts new Spirit Leader

From Monty Montezuma to Alejandro Aztec

San Diego State University President Randy Rush today addressed the ongoing controversy surrounding the former mascot for the school’s athletic competitions. While the great marority of students, faculty, and alumnae favored maintaining a human Azetc ...

Garbage Fire wins silver

San Diego's surprise showing at 2018 Literalympics

NO, NOT REALLY - From the judges’ comments: “San Diego is not a city known for grand idiomatic gestures, so it was a welcome surprise to see it stage an actual garbage fire in a ...

Siren song

Sunset Cliffs mermaid decoy proves effective lure for Lovecraftian Elder God

NO, NOT REALLY — “Well, now we know why someone placed a fake mermaid on the rocks off Sunset Cliffs,” says San Diego Fish & Game’s head of code enforcement Howard Phillips. “She proved to ...

Coast Guard seizes over 5000 pounds of cocaine

Agency’s near-record haul represents a full 0.05% of annual import into US

JUST ADORABLE, REALLY — Above, Coast Guard agents in San Diego proudly display palettes of cocaine seized from a boat in international waters off the Central American coast last week. In a related image, right, ...

"Porn has already shown them everything!"

Protestors speak out against San Diego Schools' “woefully inadequate” sexual education program

NO, NOT REALLY — “Thanks to PornHub.com, 12-year-old kids already know about fisting, felching, scat play, trannys, grannys, Georgy Porgy Orgies, and all the rest of it,” laments concerned mother Chastity Rose (above right) as ...

San Diego, America's Finest Drone Zone

Well, one of ten selected by the FAA, anyway

NO, NOT REALLY: Your daughter, shielding her face from a peeping drone (shadow in upper left corner). “Soon, this sort of thing will be a thing of the past,” says Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao. “The ...

The Kardashian Konundrum

DAtfight breaks out at debate

NO, NOT REALLY — Interim DA Summer Stephan: “People should rise through their chain from deputy public defender to becoming a trusted team leader and making reforms that way, rather than really what is the ...

Win/Loss, Gwynn/Gloss

Tony Gwynn statue at Petco Park altered

NO, NOT REALLY: What’s in a name? “Some people are calling it an act of vandalism that dishonors the memory of a champion,” says Padres General Manager B.J. Stellar. “But it’s important not to get ...

Science: girls have cooties

New research out of Salk Institute finds genetic, gender-based source of the ickiness, stupidity, and general inferiority of women

NO, NOT REALLY — The Salk Institute for Biological Studies in La Jolla confirmed what everybody already knows today when it revealed that boys are genetically superior to girls. “And not just genetically,” says gene ...

Fly away home(less)

City Unveils plans for changes to indoor skydiving facility being converted to homeless center: none

NO, NOT REALLY — Last February , the City of San Diego bought a defunct downtown indoor skydiving facility for $7 million. Critics were quick to criticize the move, saying that the building was totally ...

The old SONGS and dance routine

SDG&E brings in nuclear safety consultant to allay concerns over waste storage.

NO, NOT REALLY — Hi, everybody! My name is Homer Simpson, and I’m a nuclear safety inspector at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant in [REDACTED]. Don’t let the fact that I have yellow skin and ...

Putting Eostre Back in Easter

Traditionally Christian sunrise service at Balboa Park gives way to Vernal Equinox Fertility Ritual

NO, NOT REALLY — “Remember the fuss over the decision to change ‘Christmas on the Prado’ to ‘December Nights’?” asks Sandra Heathen-Druid. “All those people upset about taking Christ out of Christmas. But from the ...

A bridge (joke) too far

Padres threaten to end it all with new radio network over insensitive tweet

NO, NOT REALLY — Kevin Whine, the new host of 97.3’s “Mo-Sho” morning show, just wanted to make a good impression upon his arrival from San Francisco. “The City had just come out with this ...

Trump begins construction on Border Wall

"I'm a man of my word."

NO, NOT REALLY — On March 25, President Trump tweeted that “work will start immediately” on the Great Border Wall. Few people believed him, but fewer still could have predicted that later that same day, ...

San Diego's debt to Bob Filner

An almost factual review of 2017

[Walter Mencken stands at a podium in the basement conference room of Cheetahs Gentlemen’s Club in Kearny Mesa and addresses his audience, a group of men reclining at table.] Good evening, gentlemen! Well, men, anyway. ...

Breaking up is hard to do

At least the Charger Girls aren’t heading north also.

Alternative Facts [The scene: the basement of Our Lady of Sorrows church, Mission Valley. A circle of chairs. A despondent array of suffering souls.] Walter Mencken: Hello, everybody. Please sit down. Welcome to Walter Mencken’s ...

Happy Trumpsgiving!

Who wants some crow?

SCENE: The Mencken dining room, Thanksgiving. In attendance are host Walter Mencken, English novelist Evelyn Waugh, writer and critic H.L. Mencken, Pogo Possum, Roman emperor Claudius, writer and humorist James Thurber, writer and agitator Hunter ...

The Surreal McCoy’s final masterpiece?

The Eye is Deceitful Above All Things

Former Convadium Curator Wanker: “The loss to Miami featured four interceptions, including a pick-six with the score tied and a minute to play. Small wonder that McCoy, an artist and coach clearly in the throes ...

San Diego bishop addresses bulletin controversy

Demoncrats!

Shortly before Election Day, the bulletin at Immaculate Conception Catholic Church in Old Town featured a flyer that warned, “It is a mortal sin to vote Democrat,” and that souls that died in the state ...

Chargers Curator Wanker comments on The Surreal McCoy’s latest work

Soft Playcalling with Four Downs (Premonition of Thwarted Drive)

Wanker: “In a word, heartbreaking. McCoy has at long last ventured into the realm of self-portraiture here, but it’s hardly an occasion for celebration. This is the work of a man who feels he’s coming ...

Slacktivist protests police guidelines on theft prevention

Sloth-shaming?

According to the above flyer issued by the Chula Vista Police Department, “San Diego County’s top crimes are vehicle theft and vehicle burglary.” In Samantha Wilson’s estimation, that means “it’s safe to say that there’s ...

It ain't gonna legalize itself

Supporters of marijuana legalization advocate shutting down dispensaries for election day

“We got the idea from our good friends in the pornography business, actually,” says Prop 64 organizer Billy Bongwater. “Remember when all those porn sites blocked access to California IP addresses in order to raise ...

San Diego mayor takes action in wake of Chicano Park truck tragedy

The truck buck stops here

“When I first heard the news about a truck dropping into Chicano Park,” says Mayor Faulconer, "I naturally assumed it was just another campaign maneuver from the Trump camp. But when I learned that the ...

Juarez Cartel endorses Hillary Clinton for United States President

It takes a [tunnel between] village[s]

"The decision to endorse Hillary Clinton for President of the United States was not an easy one,” says Juarez Cartel head Vincente Carillo Fuentes. "Donald Trump has historically been friendly to those who share his ...

Stone Brewing releases two candidate-themed beers just in time for Election Day

Never mind Oktoberfest, here comes Novemberkrieg

"When I was President at POM Wonderful,” says newly installed Stone Brewing CEO Dominic Engels, “we got in trouble for claiming that POM Wonderful could help you cheat death by preventing heart disease and prostate ...

2016’s sexy Charger costumes have fans divided

Hall-OW-een!

Hey ladies, if you’ve been paying attention, you know that nothing’s been scarier this year than the San Diego Chargers (except maybe Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and there’s just no way to make them ...

Trump sues local Apprentice contestant, claiming intellectual property theft

Republican candidate: “Even my mistakes are huge successes.”

Mira Mesa entrepreneur April Dwyer was famously a contestant on the 2004 season of The Apprentice, the reality show hosted by current Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. She made it through four episodes before getting ...

Local landmark(?) restaurant repurposed as mausoleum

Pernicano’s in perpetuity

Somewhere in the afterlife, former local businessman George Pernicano is twirling his famous mustache and chuckling. And while the 25-foot bronze angel that now sits atop his former restaurant in Hillcrest suggests heaven, both his ...

Area man gets rich on “Chargerrors” with paid emoji

Banking on failure

“From the first game, I had a bad feeling about this season,” recalls Local computer whiz/DJ D. Spare, creator of the Sad Charger emoji. “When Keenan Allen went down, I knew it was a sign ...

In stunning reversal, mayor withdraws his support for Chargers’ convadium

Faulconer goes nuts?

PRESS CONFERENCE OUTSIDE DEEZ NUTS NATURAL SNACK EMPORIUM, EAST VILLAGE — Just days after coming out in support of Measure C, the upcoming ballot initiative that would authorize the use of public funds — in ...

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