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Stories by Walter Mencken

San Diego Convention of the California GOP reveals new strategy

Max Whiteman, addressing the California Republican Convention last week at the unveiling of the organization’s new logo: “If you tilt Texas a little to the right — get it, to the right? — the state ...

Portion of Fiesta Island to serve as Colony for the Unvaccinated

“Over 150 years ago, the island nation of Hawaii found itself in a crisis: an outbreak of the horrific, highly contagious, and then-untreatable disease of leprosy,” says San Diego Health Supervisor Winifred Wutan. “The authorities ...

Budweiser Zero renews sponsorship in wake of late-season collapse

“Really, we couldn’t be happier,” said Bud Zero brand manager Sid Craven following the Padres disastrous conclusion to their 2020 season. “A full season in the basement would have meant minimal exposure for our brand. ...

Black Lives Matter denounces Sea World’s new Sesame Place as White Supremacy

“From Peyton Place to Melrose Place, the P-word has always been code for Protected Private Property,” says Black Lives Matter spokesperson Natasha Trigger-Warning. “And what it’s protected from is the Street — as in, the ...

In effort to reach out to vaccine hesitant, County introduces mobile health drones

A fully masked and socially distant county employee reassures an uncooperative Lakeside resident who read on the internet that the vaccine may affect fertility that while President Biden’s patience may be wearing then, he has ...

In brilliant capstone to its declarations on racism and vaccine misinformation, Board of Supervisors declares “the twisted darkness that lurks in the depths of every human heart” a public health crisi

“It started with racism, because it had to,” says County Supervisor Nathan Fletcher-Ram as he looks back on his Supreme Council’s ever more complete triumph over evil. “We here in San Diego simply had to ...

Mayor says planned handover of Balboa Park’s United States cottage to Afghanistan was “bound to be chaotic.”

“Honestly, this was [ex-Mayor] Faulconer’s mess; I just inherited it,” says Mayor Todd Gloria of the Taliban’s takeover of the United States’ cottage in Balboa Park’s International Cottages section. “He’s the one who made the ...

In wake of scrutiny, San Diego Sheriffs offer alternate explanation for deputy’s collapse.

“We had a great story,” says San Diego Sheriff Bill Bore. “We had body cam video — you know, the stuff that’s supposed to clear up confusion about police business — showing Deputy David Faviiae ...

Former member of Padres’ Bod Pad Squad may have deep-sixed Dodgers ace.

“Love is blind,” said baseball great Yoga Berry, “but it still knows which team its rooting for.” Which makes it all the more mysterious how Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Trevor Bauer, recipient of maybe the ...

Bathhouse Row back in the spotlight following city call for Hillcrest historical landmarks to honor

“Everybody talks about how gay bars are disappearing all over America,” says Dan Butterman, self-appointed historian of Hillcrest’s history as San Diego’s gay district. “But what’s less discussed is the disappearance of an even more ...

In previously unheard-of crime, some unvaccinated Californians are dealing in so-called “Fake IDs”

Yesterday, San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria spoke out against a plague of faked vaccination cards that seems to be spreading among the unvaccinated community in San Diego even faster than covid-19. “Even as San Diego’s ...

The Falcon Can Hear the Faulconer

Last week, a SurveyUSA poll revealed that more than half of likely voters would vote to recall Governor Gavin Newsom from office, a clear sign that many Californians are unhappy with Toothsome Newsom’s handling of ...

Once-dismissed “Lin-Leak Theory” gains traction following covid outbreak among Zoo’s big cats

“When I first suggested that China’s decision to share its pandas with the San Diego Zoo might be a fur-op, everybody said I was crazy,” says local conspiracy theorist Saul Openmind. “That was what, 27 ...

Following Serra High controversy, other San Diego High Schools forced to reckon with racist namesakes

Statement from San Diego Unified’s Department of Doing Better: “Junipero Serra was an easy one: no religious figure has any business having their name on a public school, including the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. ...

UCSD watermelon-smashing tradition ended after more than 50 years following incident

The UCSD Watermelon Drop, in which the melon is dropped seven stories from Urey Hall in an effort to create the largest possible splat, is the school’s oldest tradition. But not every tradition is worth ...

Madman Mencken’s Sports Etiquette Corner

It’s okay to hate someone for rooting for the other team. It’s just not okay to hate them for being a POC.

Coronado School Board comfortable with decision to fire head coach following tortilla-tossing incident

On Saturday, June 19th, Coronado High’s boys basketball team defeated Escondido’s Orange Glen 60-57 in overtime. After the game, at least one spectator began to toss tortillas onto the court. A postgame altercation had already ...

Perps and victims unite in call to remove law enforcement from campus

Last week, both students and faculty members from UCSD gathered with local social justice organizations to advocate for the removal of the UCPD, the branch of the police department that patrols the the university’s campus. ...

City expands outreach to vaccine-hesitant communities

“When we first started offering San Diegans the Covid-19 vaccine,” says Connie Spiracy, deputy director of media for the city’s Public Health office, “we found that there were two demographics where vaccine-hesitancy was dispiritingly high: ...

Public Health Officer/Science God thunders declaration from mountaintop: “THE PANDEMIC IS NOT OVER.”

As coronavirus cases continued to drop and California lifted its manifold restrictions on the life of its citizens, San Diego Public Health Officer Wilma Wooten took the opportunity to remind her people that “Governor Newsom ...

Biden dispatches Antifa and other protesters to crisis zone

As the border crisis deepens and wave after wave of hopeful migrants crashes against Trump’s evil wall, President Biden has taken bold action to address the problem. “It’s clear these folks love America, or at ...

SDSU prof says that when times get tough, moviegoers want men on screen

According to a new study from San Diego State’s Center for the Study of Women and Television in Film, the percentage of top-grossing films featuring female protagonists dropped from 40% in 2019 to just 29% ...

Lincoln High students respond to taunting t-shirt with one of their own

In 1988, the No. 1 Miami Hurricanes football team played No. 4 Notre Dame in a thrilling game that came down to the last second. Prior to the game, a pair of Notre Dame students ...

Mayor Gloria under fire for diverting funds from police to so-called “libraries”

San Diegans from all walks of life are calling for both explanation and change from Mayor Todd Gloria following the release of his proposed city budget. At issue is his proposal that the city’s police ...

Old Joe and the Border Boys

Press release from Progressive Pictures: “Old Joe and the Border Boys tells the thrilling story of 19,000 kids living in Central America who hear President Biden announce that he’s going to stop deportations for the ...

Tatis Jr. suffers “Jacob’s joint” injury as punishment for his anointing as Padres’ savior

Yesterday, God Almighty called a press conference to announce that he was responsible for the shoulder injury suffered by Padres superstar Fernando Tatis, Jr., who tore his labrum at the end of a mighty swing ...

City officials beg courts to declare Measure C passed so that Convention Center can expand services to migrant minors.

San Diego’s Measure C, which would have raised the city’s hotel tax in an effort to secure funds for a Convention Center expansion, came tantalizingly close to obtaining the two-thirds majority required for passage. But ...

Councilman LaCava calls for redesign

“The current seal of the City of San Diego erases the history of the Indigenous People who occupied this land long before us, and glorifies the people who stole it,” says newly elected councilman Joe ...

Homeless residents of Convention Center moved out in favor of Unaccompanied Minor Migrants

“Everybody knows that homelessness is the single greatest humanitarian crisis facing the city of San Diego,” says Mayor Todd Gloria. “But some crises are bigger than just one city. Some crises are national in scope. ...

Biden Administration begins Operation Staycation in effort to convince would-be migrants to remain in-country.

“The President of the United States believes that families are the bedrock of a healthy society,” says Sam Turnback, head of the Biden Administration’s Operation Staycation. “That may seem obvious, but when you hear that ...

UCSD torches library and its contents in atonement for years spent honoring hateful author

Once, Sylvia Burner was head librarian at UCSD’s Geisel Library — the campus’s signature building, named for La Jolla’s most famous citizen, beloved children’s author Ted Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss. Once, she paused every morning ...

San Diego renamed after Mayor in wake of Junipero Serra High renaming

“I believe the children are the future,” says onetime San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria. “They can carry us to a brighter tomorrow, if only we have the courage to let them. So when the students ...

Gavin Newsom: A Governer we can all get behind... and push out of office

[Paid political advertisement] Today, Former San Diego Mayor and would-be replacement governor Kevin Faulconer unveiled his first campaign poster, an attack ad on beleaguered governor Gavin Newsom that doesn’t even mention Faulconer’s name. “I have ...

Fernando Tatis, Jr. puts aside “childish things” like World Series rings, signs lucrative 14-year contract with Padres

Recently, Padres superstar Fernando Tatis, Jr. signed a 14-year, $340 million contract with the San Diego Padres. It was the longest contract ever signed, as well as the third-richest, and the most certain to keep ...

Mayor Gloria opens vacant schools to local homeless community

“It’s no secret that San Diego is facing a serious financial shortfall,” says San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria. “With tourism reduced to almost nothing thanks to covid, we’re just not getting the tax revenue we ...

Hillcrest vandalism being investigated as rare gay-on-black hate crime

On January 25, worshippers at the University Christian Church in Hillcrest discovered that the night previous, someone had spattered paint on the Black Lives Matter sign adorning their building, as well as two of the ...

God declares Himself unimpressed with Chula Vista Church’s role in Supreme Court decision to re-open churches for indoor worship.

Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court ruled that California could no longer ban indoor worship service, thanks in no small part to the lawsuit filed against the state by Chula Vista’s South Bay United Pentecostal ...

Biden’s Border Backtrack

Already under fire for his failure alleviate a situation in which, as White House press secretary Jen Psaki told reporters last week, “the vast majority” of individuals seeking to enter the United States from Mexico ...

First batch of female Marine recruits arrive at Camp Pendleton for training

Just kidding. These are actually all trans women, eager to take advantage of President Biden’s reversal of Trump’s transgender ban for the military. Just kidding. These are all cis het drag queens, eager to take ...

City Health Department addresses vaccine hesitancy among black community with cool representative superhero

Recent surveys have indicated that while roughly 20% of the White, Hispanic, and Asian communities would not take the covid-19 vaccine even if it were available to them, nearly 40% of the Black community would ...

Governor replaces Stay-at-Home order with Stay-in-Office order

Last Monday, California Governor Gavin Newsom surprised many by lifting the stay-at-home order that had shuttered many restaurants and restricted other business and activity throughout much of the state. “Yessir, it’s Newsom’s new deal,” said ...

After covid-19 is detected among residents of San Diego Safari Park, prudent primates practice positive peer pressure

Safari Park gorillas keep their distance from Maga, the only member of the troop who refuses to wear a mask.

Fletcher’s Founding Framework

In a brave, bold move that will no doubt serve as inspiration to many of his fellow whites, Nathan Fletcher today announced his intention to relinquish his position as a newly elected county supervisor to ...

Slain Capitol protestor honored by community for championing counterculture

“Ocean Beach has a long, proud history of political protest, peaceful and otherwise,” says Fred Hippy, publisher of the OB Fishwrap. “We threw rocks at cops during the Easter and Labor Day riots of 1968. ...

2020 in hindsight

Disclaimer: None of this ever really happened. But then, La Mesa did burn on national television… O’Brien: Ah, Mr. Mencken. San Diego Reader, SD on the QT: Almost Factual News, isn’t it? Come in, sit ...

CDC pleads with San Diegans not to take advantage of incredible deals on covid-19 vaccine - with no waiting!

“Look, everybody knows that Big Pharma is a scam,” says Ronald Pillpopper, an Imperial Beach resident who has traveled to Tijuana to get his coronavirus vaccine “without having to go through all the hassle and ...

BSA retires top badge just in time to welcome first non-boy recipients

Nineteen-year-old Andru Gynous of BSA Troop 1435 out of Poway’s Oddfellows Hall is having a special 2020: they have achieved the double honor of being among the first Scouts not identifying as male to receive ...

Newly confirmed Catholic Supreme Court Justice authors opinion affirming right of San Diego strip clubs to remain open despite pandemic

There will be no midnight Masses this Christmas Eve in California, thanks to the curfew imposed by the governor’s stay-at-home order, imposed in an effort to stop the rapid proliferation of covid-19. And there will ...

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