Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Amanda R. Gray/U.S. Navy/Defense Visual Information Distribution Service

An SH-60R Seahawk helicopter takes off from the flight deck of the guided missile destroyer USS Stout

“Ovaries of steel,” said my copilot, impressed by my poise. After a six-hour patrol in the Red Sea, I had landed the helicopter on a 30’x30’ square fifteen feet above the surface of a heaving sea, in bad weather, at night. That was just part of the job. I served in the Navy from 2012-2022 as a qualified Aircraft Commander, solely responsible for a $50 million Sikorsky Seahawk helicopter and the lives of four crew members. I was stationed at Naval Air Station North Island on Coronado for four years, I logged over 2000 flight hours serving in two overseas deployments. Many of those hours were spent in a combat zone, escorting ships through dangerous waters in the Middle East. I know what it feels like to run my fingers along a four-pack of hellfire missiles and remove the red safety pin as I prepared for flight.

I’m not the only one. In 1973, just six women earned their pilot wings. As of 2023, that number has risen to 1605. And over those last fifty years, women have shown what they can do. Women can fly any aircraft and participate in all combat missions. They are flying helicopters and fighter jets, hunting subs, shooting rockets, dog fighting, dropping bombs and saving lives — but not all the time.

There is something that keeps women naval aviators up at night, something that is far from the aviation nightmares one might imagine. It’s not surface-to-air missiles or engine malfunctions. It’s much worse. Their type-A personalities cannot control it, cannot outsmart it, cannot lead their forces in a sortie against it. The thing that keeps them up at night is dating. “Landing on an aircraft carrier wasn’t as difficult a task as finding a boyfriend when I was 23,” says Kelsey Adler, a former Navy pilot who spent the latter part of 2014 in a super hornet jet doing landing drills. (Well, not all women — LGBTQ members have expressed to me that their flight suits are effective in romantic pursuits as well as military ones.)

Cmdr. Kristen Hansen, commanding officer, Strike Fighter Squadron (VFA) 122, shakes hands at the change of command ceremony at Naval Air Station Lemoore.

Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Winter Griffith/U.S. Navy/Defense Visual Information Distribution Service

I will never forget the day when I realized I was not dateable. I was in my early twenties, hanging out at Backyard Kitchen & Tap in Pacific Beach. A man approached me and asked what I did for a living. He was plain looking, short, with brown hair and marched toward me like he knew what he wanted, which I liked. I answered honestly, and returned the question. His eyes shifted focus to the floor and remained there as he hovered beside the open chair next to me, halting his confident momentum. He whispered “accountant” and vanished. Not everyone tucked tail and ran off into the underbrush, of course. There were times when men, bless their hearts, stayed much too long, displaying their deep knowledge of aircraft engines and rotor systems because, you see, they had “always wanted to be a pilot.” I wasn’t so much a potential date as the embodiment of who they might have been.

Eventually, I started telling anyone remotely interested that I worked at Staples, because it seemed like a basic job, the sort that doesn’t get in the way of getting to know someone My peers adopted similar tactics. Some bold pilots chose professions such as dolphin trainer, horse jockey, kindergarten teacher, supermodel, or my personal favorite, financial advisor at JG Wentworth.

But despite the ruse, all too often, these women are forced to resort to adventures on dating apps filled with men trolling for sexual escapades or trysts with enlisted Navy members, who are off limits as it would violate military fraternization policies. According to female pilots of all ranks, the risk is not worth the reward. So instead, they put aside their pining for men to focus on the demands of the job – becoming tactically proficient and working hard to be accepted into the boys’ club of aviation.

It worked for me — up to a point. No matter how hard you work, there is always downtime. One night, when the seas were too rough to fly, I gripped my bed with one hand, gripped my pen in the other, and jotted “Family Goals” into my notebook. This was a math riddle. I began flight school at 23. The minimum time commitment for a pilot is 10 years. Given my status as undatable during that time, I would be 33 before I could change professions and even attempt to attract a man. I figured two years of wooing, marriage, then children. The answer to the riddle is 35. “When is a pregnancy considered geriatric?” were the final words scribbled across the page.

Again, I’m not alone. Due to extensive training, many women aviators are in their late twenties or thirties by the time they stay in one location for three years. Once they do, they face the pressures of family planning and trying to balance having children without dismantling their flying careers. For many, this leads to fear of being “like 80 and a crazy cat lady,” as Commander Kristen “Dragon” Hansen puts it. Hansen, who served as one of the real pilots who flew for the filming of Top Gun: Maverick, was single for over a decade due to deployments, a remote duty location, and commitment to her job.

Finally, while on a solo vacation, she decided to put considerable energy into her personal life and turned to eHarmony. Sitting at her computer, she typed out what she thought was a reasonable profile. However, she didn’t quite know what to do about the fact that she was going to be at sea for 18 out of the next 24 months. She imagined the conversation: “Hi, nice to meet you. Let’s go on our first date in a month. Let’s plan our second in another month. Another in another month. Then, if I really like you, will you write to me and send me care packages during my ten-month deployment?” Realizing the absurdity of the situation, she canceled her subscription.

When she was 36, a fellow jet pilot asked for her number. Baffled, she almost gave him her work number. By the time the two pilots found themselves on their first date — after battling overlapping deployments — 368 days had passed. Six years later, her wedding gift to him was a complete copy of their email correspondence from the year they waited to meet. “I played the long game and it worked!” said Hansen.

She is one of the lucky ones. Happily, so am I. My husband was also a fellow pilot; today, we live in Logan Heights, and he flies Blackhawks for SDG&E. But all too often, the female naval aviators who should rest easy knowing they are well trained and tactically equipped for combat are kept awake by thoughts of cocktail bars filled with rejections, unhelpful dating apps, and potentially, cats.