“I didn’t know they even made bandanas that small,” says Zoo wildlife care specialist Ratatouille as she lights a crack pipe for Runa, who now responds only to the name G-naw, and whose neural reward pathways can no longer be triggered by anything short of rock cocaine.

When New York City Mayor Eric Adams introduced rat czar Kathleen Corradi two weeks ago, touting her willingness to commit to the wholesale slaughter of the city’s dirty and diseased rat population, San Diego Zoo wildlife specialist Remy Ratatouille saw an opportunity. “I understood Mayor Adams’ concern for his human constituents and his desire to look bold in the face of certain defeat — let’s face it, there will always be rats chewing on the Big Apple — but I realized I could use the spotlight he was shining to illuminate another, more positive aspect of rats. Recently, we’ve been partnering with researchers in Tanzania who are using giant pouched rats to detect everything from leftover landmines to smuggled contraband in airports. I figured, ‘Why not send our Tanzanian rat Runa to New York for a week and maybe open Mayor Adams’ eyes?’ Unfortunately, it seems she fell in with, well, a more ‘urban’ element while she was there. She’s more violent with her fellow rats now, and seems obsessed with dominance and cheese hoarding. I don’t know if it’s a matter of where they live or how they were raised or the drugs or what, but honestly, they’re like animals over there.”