God: “Seriously, California, dare me to drop you into the lake of fire. Just dare me. Holy Spirit bird’s gonna eat that bear for breakfast.”

Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court ruled that California could no longer ban indoor worship service, thanks in no small part to the lawsuit filed against the state by Chula Vista’s South Bay United Pentecostal Church. But yesterday, God indicated that while he was now once again able to hear the prayers of believing Californians, he had no intention of answering them, or even paying attention to their contents. “Big whoop; California has still blessed just about every abomination I ever condemned,” explained the Almighty. “Closing the churches because Caesar told them too was just the last straw. Back in the day, I had my chosen people put my enemies to the sword. And after I sent my Son to die for sinful humanity, I had him ask his followers to be ready to lay down their lives for the sake of the Gospel. But have California Christians fought back against those who flout my will? Have they suffered for their steadfast refusal to call evil good? Or have they gone along to get along in the name of so-called Christian charity? Indoors or out, I’m done with ‘em. Like it says in the good book, ‘God is not mocked.’”