Accused sword-murderer Zachary Bunney’s mugshot. “Lo, I am fain to protest the vile and baseless claims made upon my person based upon yon dark arts,” the former La Mesa resident declared upon his arrest. “Thinkest thou that your vicious and unnatural prying into the mystic history of my clan will avail you before a good Christian judge? Blackhearted varlet; do not suppose that you shall wreak your woe unchecked upon Sir Bunney!”
  • Accused sword-murderer Zachary Bunney’s mugshot. “Lo, I am fain to protest the vile and baseless claims made upon my person based upon yon dark arts,” the former La Mesa resident declared upon his arrest. “Thinkest thou that your vicious and unnatural prying into the mystic history of my clan will avail you before a good Christian judge? Blackhearted varlet; do not suppose that you shall wreak your woe unchecked upon Sir Bunney!”
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The 2006 La Mesa sword murder of Scott Martinez was colder than the cold steel of a murderous sword, despite the blood possibly belonging to the killer found on the scene. Cold, that is, until four genetic genealogists spent a weekend peering through their crystal scopes and searching with obscenely probing tools through online DNA databases for a link, however faint, between the found blood and that which coursed through the veins of those who had yielded up their innermost secrets to the unfeeling omniscience of Bile, the internet troll-god.

“What we found,” says Paragon chief necromancer Warren Saruman, “turned out to be a distant relative of the man police eventually arrested” — 39-year-old Zachary Bunney of Portland, Oregon. “But you know what they say: the sins of the fathers will be visited unto the seventh generation. You can make believe whatever you like, but family is forever, bound by blood-borne forces that are as primal as they are inviolable. The accused can complain about invasion of privacy all he likes, or the violation of the sacred integrity of his mortal coil, or whatever. Somebody violated the sacred integrity of Scott Martinez’ mortal coil about 30 times with a sword, and it looks like we’ve found him. I knew there was a reason I always wound up playing a wizard back in the old D&D days.”

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