What, no Honey Badger?

Dear Hipster:

Every year around this time, I think back to the paper placemats at the Chinese restaurant I went to as a kid. You probably know the ones I mean, with the signs of the zodiac printed on. I guess 2020 is a “rat” year, which is cool because I am also a rat-person (1984), although that sounds not altogether flattering, being a rat-person. I always wanted to be a dragon, but if wishes were horses, as they say. Anyways, what do you think the zodiac placemat would look like if it were designed by 21st-century hipsters?

— A. Mill, City Heights

Rat

Entrepreneurial and visionary, Rats dream up billion-dollar business ventures (“Let’s make Uber, but for dogs!”) while drunk, all of which are usually forgotten by the time the hangover wears off. Most compatible with Dragons and somebody else’s cocaine; avoid Horses.

Ox

Loyal and strong; even when all your friends are eating gluten again, you remain true to cauliflower pizza crust. Marry a Snake. Sheep will bring trouble with their love of wheat.

Tiger

Tiger people are sensitive, candid, and always in possession of at least three partially finished modern novels or chapbooks of non-heteronormative poetry. Horses and Dogs make fantastic life-partners with whom they can synthesize a new, non-patronymic name. Monkey always assumes their gender.

Rabbit

Rabbit is the nicest person you know. We all put up with Rabbit’s hapless charm, because Rabbit’s just good peeps. Likes everyone, even Rooster (although Rooster hasn’t got time for Rabbit’s shit.)

Dragon

Dragon’s a goddamn Dragon. Everybody wants to be Dragon and nobody knows why — not even Dragon. Forms a symbiotic relationship with Monkey; irritates Dog.

Snake

Wise, well-heeled, and sexy AF, Snakes never seem to buy their own drinks in the bar, and they know everybody without anybody really knowing them. Gets along surprisingly well with the Ox and Rabbit; but can’t stand the holier-than-thou-art Pig.

Horse

Needy, basic, pumpkin spice latte-drinker who spends extra time at the gym honing an already biologically gifted physique. Not sure what Horse sees in Dog, but it seems to work for them. Rat has too many big ideas.

Sheep

Enigmatic and creative, Sheep prefer their carefully cultured sourdough starters and kombucha SCOBYs to the company of humans. Friendly with Boars and Rabbits; scornful of the Ox.

Monkey

Ten out of ten monkeys are enthusiastic tech bros who are already planning next year’s trip to Burning Man in the company’s air-conditioned, fully provisioned RV. A Rat might be just the person to take to Coachella next year. Tigers are too SJW for you, bro. You’re woke, but not that woke.

Rooster

Diligent and hardworking, Rooster built an urban chicken coop with hand-carved mortise-and-tenon construction while the rest of you animals sat around the brunch table rehashing how much you drank last night. Has a soft spot for the Snake and Ox, but ain’t nobody got time for Rabbit.

Dog

Dog has too much body hair and won’t shut up about craft beer. In a long-term relationship (in which the fire long since sputtered out) with a Tiger or Horse after having been burned by a Dragon.

Pig

Noble, uncompromising, and fair-trade everything. Known to irritate people with rants about the externalized costs of 21st-century consumer culture. Bernie 2020. Thinks the Snake is a materialistic shill; but admires the Sheep and the Rabbit for their genuineness.