Hipsters don’t do technophobe horror.

Dear Hipster:

What would be the ideal, alternate universe in which a hipster such as yourself might be trapped after falling through a tear in the space-time continuum? Before you answer, I have some ground rules and clarifications. I think we have all heard time and time again about how reality may or may not comprise an infinite series of parallel dimensions, some differing only imperceptibly from our own existence, other bizarro world alternate realities like in that one episode of Rick and Morty where everyone runs through successively weirder dimensions populated by anthropomorphic food and furniture. Maybe, somewhere out there, there’s a dimension exactly like ours, but dogs wear pants and hold menial office jobs. Who knows? Anyways, that’s not actually what I’m asking about, even if it is fun to ponder. I merely wanted to ensure we were perfectly clear on where this is going, and where it is not going. Ultimately, I’m asking here about the world of fictional alternate universes, which I think is a more appropriate category because they are limited in scope and number by the finite nature of humanity’s creative output from antiquity to the present. For example, you might think of what it would be like to live in Shermer, Illinois, the fictional midwestern locus of John Hughes films. Or, perhaps a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away suits hipsters better. I don’t know. You tell me. What’s the ultimate hipster fictional alternate reality?

— Joss

Let me express my initial approval for the god-tier cryptic pop culture reference festival you’ve got going on here. I can fairly well get behind any point illustrated by such a collage of TV and movie trivia.

That said, this is a tricky one for me because it’s one of those things where, no matter what I say, I’m getting an email along the lines of, “Hey, hipster, you forgot about [insert fictional universe here], way to go.” Not that I mind getting such messages. Please, by all means, call me out.

You might think hipsters would enjoy life in some kind of ultra-cool, dystopian, Philip K. Dick cyberpunk world, but in reality, such universes are terribly terrifying, on account of the corporate oligarchs who rule the world via networks of secret police. Similarly, you might think hipsters would flock to the world of Stranger Things, where it’s the 1980s... but better... and forever! However, the presence of faceless terrors waiting to devour humanity puts a serious damper on that particular dream. Pretty much any Black Mirror world is right out, even the one where Yelp apparently rules the world, and we’ll pass on Stephen King and H.P. Lovecraft worlds, thanks.

You might also think hipsters would like a quirky sitcom world of constant ironic humor, like The Office or Seinfeld, but, that would be too much of a good thing.

Places like Middle Earth or a galaxy far, far away sound fun at first, but it’s too damn hard to get a decent flat white in Mordor.

Knowing hipsters, you’re probably going to end up with an individualized answer from any given hipster, and the reason will be some obscure thing you didn’t expect. Me, I would want to visit Futurama world, but only because I’m curious about the taste of Slurm.