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The hipster was inside you the whole time

Seven solutions

Swallow all the pills — because you don’t give a @$%^ - Image by Eduard Lysenko
Swallow all the pills — because you don’t give a @$%^

Dear Hipster:

You’re in a lightless, windowless, doorless room with four pills; two red, two blue. Take one of each, and you will attain hipster immortality. Everything cool will be old news to you before anyone else has even heard about it, and people will think that you invented kalettes and cold brew coffee. Taking any other combination of pills will banish you to an alternate reality where you can only drink Folgers coffee and you have to listen to the Kings of Leon and Nickelback all day, every day, plus you die horribly. What do you do?

— Morpheus

Clearly, I already solved that one; or perhaps I never needed to in the first place. Nevertheless, there are at least seven solutions to the riddle:

(1) Chew all the pills up into a formless mass of medicine-flavored nastiness. Expectorate precisely half, leaving behind a cohesive 50/50 red-blue mixture. Swallow.

(2) Compose thirteen understated indie rock tunes, each of which explores a different facet of the impossible situation faced by the modern citizen forced to choose between his life, his freedom, and the irresistible lure of infinite cool. Nobody will appreciate it in your time, but later, once the proverbial smoke clears, people are going to look at it and say, “Whoa. He was really ahead of his time, man.” Stab yourself in the heart from the pain of it all.

(3) Meh.

(4) ???

(5) Profit!

(6) Swallow all the pills because you don’t give a @$%^ and there will (probably) be at least one moment of transcendent genius in anticipation of the horrible dying.

(7) Realize that the hipster was inside you the whole time. Ascend to glory on a moonbeam.

Again, there could be more solutions. Your results and mileage may vary. Some terms and conditions apply. Lather, rinse, repeat, innovate, duplicate, disregard. Not available in all regions.

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Swallow all the pills — because you don’t give a @$%^ - Image by Eduard Lysenko
Swallow all the pills — because you don’t give a @$%^

Dear Hipster:

You’re in a lightless, windowless, doorless room with four pills; two red, two blue. Take one of each, and you will attain hipster immortality. Everything cool will be old news to you before anyone else has even heard about it, and people will think that you invented kalettes and cold brew coffee. Taking any other combination of pills will banish you to an alternate reality where you can only drink Folgers coffee and you have to listen to the Kings of Leon and Nickelback all day, every day, plus you die horribly. What do you do?

— Morpheus

Clearly, I already solved that one; or perhaps I never needed to in the first place. Nevertheless, there are at least seven solutions to the riddle:

(1) Chew all the pills up into a formless mass of medicine-flavored nastiness. Expectorate precisely half, leaving behind a cohesive 50/50 red-blue mixture. Swallow.

(2) Compose thirteen understated indie rock tunes, each of which explores a different facet of the impossible situation faced by the modern citizen forced to choose between his life, his freedom, and the irresistible lure of infinite cool. Nobody will appreciate it in your time, but later, once the proverbial smoke clears, people are going to look at it and say, “Whoa. He was really ahead of his time, man.” Stab yourself in the heart from the pain of it all.

(3) Meh.

(4) ???

(5) Profit!

(6) Swallow all the pills because you don’t give a @$%^ and there will (probably) be at least one moment of transcendent genius in anticipation of the horrible dying.

(7) Realize that the hipster was inside you the whole time. Ascend to glory on a moonbeam.

Again, there could be more solutions. Your results and mileage may vary. Some terms and conditions apply. Lather, rinse, repeat, innovate, duplicate, disregard. Not available in all regions.

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4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
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