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Celebrities and their political candidates

A facetious look at how stars size up Decision 2016

The idea had been growing in Travis’s brain for some time.
The idea had been growing in Travis’s brain for some time.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! You can’t choose a political candidate without first knowing which celebrities champion which cause. Here are a few of your favorite luminaries — and Stephen Baldwin — with their choices for Obama’s successor.

Team Hillary Clinton:

Listen, you screwheads. Mrs. Clinton stood before a mirror and asked, “You votin’ for me? You votin’ for me“? Don’t make no difference to Bobby D. It does to some. “I think that she’s paid her dues,” De Niro told The Daily Beast. “There are going to be no surprises, and she has earned the right to be president and the head of the country at this point. It’s that simple.” And that’s that!

Looks like Grandpa whipped up a batch of drop dead pills for Ted Cruz’s campaign.

According to author Edward Klein, the Clintons solicited the aid of none other than Mr. Personality, Steve Spielberg, to direct her on how to bring warmth and likability to the campaign. He’d have a better chance at success by directing a cocaine-free remake of 1941.

“I did not have sex with Kate Capshaw!”

While on the subject of E.T.’s pappy, The New York Times revealed that as president, Mrs. Clinton “would release information about Area 51, the remote Air Force base in Nevada believed by some to be a secret hub where the government stores classified information about aliens and U.F.O.s.” Immediately following the announcement, Klaatu, Marvin the Martian, the Coneheads, General Zod, and Jackie Stallone all threw their support behind the presumptive Democratic nominee. Coming soon: Bill Needs Martian Women. And wait until you see the size of the wall Trump plans on erecting to keep these aliens out.

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Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West took selfies with Mrs. C. Reason enough to write in Martin Scorsese.

When asked why he’s endorsing Bill Clinton’s wife, top banana Will Ferrell quipped, “It’s about time I did something astonishingly stupid that was also funny.”

Team Bernie Sanders:

Even before Trump came loaded for bear, Bernie’s most vocal celebrity ally, Susan Sarandon, was one of the first celebrities to broadside Mrs. Clinton. “What has she done that we’re bragging about?” Sarandon asked while speaking on the Senator’s behalf. “How has she led?” When MSNBC’s Chris Hayes asked the actress/political activist how she would vote if Sanders couldn’t sway the superdelegates and Trump and Clinton went head-to-head, she replied: “I don’t know, I’m going to see what happens.”

Video:

Bernie Sanders political ad featuring Willie Nelson

Bernie was always on Willie Nelson’s mind. So much so that he cut a commercial for him. And while you’re at it, Willie, see if you can’t convince the Senator to feel the burn by firing up a campaign to legalize marijuana.

He’s the lamest Bond this side of George Lazenby, but Daniel Craig shook and stirred Bernie’s political coffers with a $47,300 donation to a “super PAC” that supports the Senator’s campaign.

Emily Ratajkowski

When asked why she thought MMA superstar, Ronda Rousey, was in Bernie’s corner, opponent Cat Zingano replied, “Beats the shit out of me.”

Personally I couldn’t care less if supermodel Emily Ratajkowski endorses Sanders. I like looking at her pictures.

Team Donald Trump:

Jerry Lewis’s nutty fondness for pussycat mush, Donald Trump, can be traced back to the writer, director, actor, recording artist, dancer, clown, mime, Broadway star, and Telethon emcee’s affinity for show people. Jerry told World Over’s Raymond Arroyo, “He’s great. He’s a showman, and we’ve never had a showman in the president’s chair.” Click on the video to hear the words and talk roll from the lugubrious lips of his marvelousness at the 49-minute mark.

Video:

Jerry Lewis Exclusive with Raymond Arroyo

Clint Eastwood told A.C. Slater over at Extra! that he saw the Republican frontrunner as someone “filling a desire of what people want in a candidate.” Eastwood has also been known to converse with empty chairs.

Mike Ditka, former coach of the Chicago Bears and all-around lunkhead told The Chicago Sun-Times, “I think he’s on the right track. I think that he has the fire in his belly to make America great again. I do like him. I do like him, yes.” Ditka was later fired from ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown for publicly stating Barack Obama, “was the worst president we’ve ever had.”

"Hey, look, I'd love to help out, but my hands are tied until 2016, Don. Don't worry. I do my best work from beyond the grave. There gonna put you up against Clinton's wife. That dame'll bring the country to its knees quicker than Bill did Monica Lewinsky. Wait till they get a load of the highly classified emails I plant on her server. Her opponent's this wimpy crackpot socialist. Sanders something. It's not Harland… I don't know. We're not ready for one of them yet. There won't be a Jew in the White House until 2040 when President Dustin Diamond takes office. Hey, I gotta go finish taping my special. Be sure to make the checks payable to Mohammad Ashraf Ghani Inc."

Stephen Baldwin, the stupid Baldwin brother, told The Christian Post, “What I believe is...with the culture sliding and eroding the way it has been over the last decade, I believe Donald Trump is a moral man who in his lifetime has learned a lot and now as a result of his knowledge and wisdom and experience...I believe he can do things that would really make America great again.” Am I the only one who liked him better when he was high?

Actress, Fox News contributor, and Oscarcast embarrassment Stacey Dash blogged, Trump’s “not violent, he’s just ‘street.’” Dash neglected to specify whether it was Wall St. or Park Ave.

Trump is the only person in America louder and more obnoxious than Jerry Bruckheimer’s contributions to mainstream cinema (Armageddon, Gone in Sixty Seconds, and Pirates of the Caribbean 1-5). No wonder the producer and former Jeb Bush supporter called Donald, “an interesting, very successful man. He’s very smart.”

Aaron Carter tweeted, “Does America want to have a president who FOLLOWS or someone who leads? I vote For @realdonaldtrump.” Who is Aaron Carter again? Jack and Dixie’s kid?

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The idea had been growing in Travis’s brain for some time.
The idea had been growing in Travis’s brain for some time.

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! You can’t choose a political candidate without first knowing which celebrities champion which cause. Here are a few of your favorite luminaries — and Stephen Baldwin — with their choices for Obama’s successor.

Team Hillary Clinton:

Listen, you screwheads. Mrs. Clinton stood before a mirror and asked, “You votin’ for me? You votin’ for me“? Don’t make no difference to Bobby D. It does to some. “I think that she’s paid her dues,” De Niro told The Daily Beast. “There are going to be no surprises, and she has earned the right to be president and the head of the country at this point. It’s that simple.” And that’s that!

Looks like Grandpa whipped up a batch of drop dead pills for Ted Cruz’s campaign.

According to author Edward Klein, the Clintons solicited the aid of none other than Mr. Personality, Steve Spielberg, to direct her on how to bring warmth and likability to the campaign. He’d have a better chance at success by directing a cocaine-free remake of 1941.

“I did not have sex with Kate Capshaw!”

While on the subject of E.T.’s pappy, The New York Times revealed that as president, Mrs. Clinton “would release information about Area 51, the remote Air Force base in Nevada believed by some to be a secret hub where the government stores classified information about aliens and U.F.O.s.” Immediately following the announcement, Klaatu, Marvin the Martian, the Coneheads, General Zod, and Jackie Stallone all threw their support behind the presumptive Democratic nominee. Coming soon: Bill Needs Martian Women. And wait until you see the size of the wall Trump plans on erecting to keep these aliens out.

Sponsored
Sponsored

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West took selfies with Mrs. C. Reason enough to write in Martin Scorsese.

When asked why he’s endorsing Bill Clinton’s wife, top banana Will Ferrell quipped, “It’s about time I did something astonishingly stupid that was also funny.”

Team Bernie Sanders:

Even before Trump came loaded for bear, Bernie’s most vocal celebrity ally, Susan Sarandon, was one of the first celebrities to broadside Mrs. Clinton. “What has she done that we’re bragging about?” Sarandon asked while speaking on the Senator’s behalf. “How has she led?” When MSNBC’s Chris Hayes asked the actress/political activist how she would vote if Sanders couldn’t sway the superdelegates and Trump and Clinton went head-to-head, she replied: “I don’t know, I’m going to see what happens.”

Video:

Bernie Sanders political ad featuring Willie Nelson

Bernie was always on Willie Nelson’s mind. So much so that he cut a commercial for him. And while you’re at it, Willie, see if you can’t convince the Senator to feel the burn by firing up a campaign to legalize marijuana.

He’s the lamest Bond this side of George Lazenby, but Daniel Craig shook and stirred Bernie’s political coffers with a $47,300 donation to a “super PAC” that supports the Senator’s campaign.

Emily Ratajkowski

When asked why she thought MMA superstar, Ronda Rousey, was in Bernie’s corner, opponent Cat Zingano replied, “Beats the shit out of me.”

Personally I couldn’t care less if supermodel Emily Ratajkowski endorses Sanders. I like looking at her pictures.

Team Donald Trump:

Jerry Lewis’s nutty fondness for pussycat mush, Donald Trump, can be traced back to the writer, director, actor, recording artist, dancer, clown, mime, Broadway star, and Telethon emcee’s affinity for show people. Jerry told World Over’s Raymond Arroyo, “He’s great. He’s a showman, and we’ve never had a showman in the president’s chair.” Click on the video to hear the words and talk roll from the lugubrious lips of his marvelousness at the 49-minute mark.

Video:

Jerry Lewis Exclusive with Raymond Arroyo

Clint Eastwood told A.C. Slater over at Extra! that he saw the Republican frontrunner as someone “filling a desire of what people want in a candidate.” Eastwood has also been known to converse with empty chairs.

Mike Ditka, former coach of the Chicago Bears and all-around lunkhead told The Chicago Sun-Times, “I think he’s on the right track. I think that he has the fire in his belly to make America great again. I do like him. I do like him, yes.” Ditka was later fired from ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown for publicly stating Barack Obama, “was the worst president we’ve ever had.”

"Hey, look, I'd love to help out, but my hands are tied until 2016, Don. Don't worry. I do my best work from beyond the grave. There gonna put you up against Clinton's wife. That dame'll bring the country to its knees quicker than Bill did Monica Lewinsky. Wait till they get a load of the highly classified emails I plant on her server. Her opponent's this wimpy crackpot socialist. Sanders something. It's not Harland… I don't know. We're not ready for one of them yet. There won't be a Jew in the White House until 2040 when President Dustin Diamond takes office. Hey, I gotta go finish taping my special. Be sure to make the checks payable to Mohammad Ashraf Ghani Inc."

Stephen Baldwin, the stupid Baldwin brother, told The Christian Post, “What I believe is...with the culture sliding and eroding the way it has been over the last decade, I believe Donald Trump is a moral man who in his lifetime has learned a lot and now as a result of his knowledge and wisdom and experience...I believe he can do things that would really make America great again.” Am I the only one who liked him better when he was high?

Actress, Fox News contributor, and Oscarcast embarrassment Stacey Dash blogged, Trump’s “not violent, he’s just ‘street.’” Dash neglected to specify whether it was Wall St. or Park Ave.

Trump is the only person in America louder and more obnoxious than Jerry Bruckheimer’s contributions to mainstream cinema (Armageddon, Gone in Sixty Seconds, and Pirates of the Caribbean 1-5). No wonder the producer and former Jeb Bush supporter called Donald, “an interesting, very successful man. He’s very smart.”

Aaron Carter tweeted, “Does America want to have a president who FOLLOWS or someone who leads? I vote For @realdonaldtrump.” Who is Aaron Carter again? Jack and Dixie’s kid?

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Comments

This is who Aaron Carter is - the first 30 seconds are all you need to see:

http://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/aaron-carter-opens-up-about-being-150k-in-debt-w206091

May 12, 2016
This comment was removed by the site staff for violation of the usage agreement.
Sept. 3, 2018
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