Artist's representation of the vision of Archmayor Faulconer, vanilla overlord, wielder of the dread and supercharged bolts, rightful head of all the Sandags, keeper of the sacred Status Quo, protector of privilege and power, the developer in drought, the master of the master planned. Long may he reign.
What was expected to be a standard meeting of the San Diego City Council on Monday, June 8, took a turn for the dramatic when Mayor Faulconer made an unscheduled appearance and statement regarding his negotiations with the San Diego Chargers to build a new stadium and to keep the team in San Diego. Reportedly wild-eyed and unkempt, the normally composed Mayor waved his arms and hopped up and down as he shouted his address to the Council:
You can't say "Spanos" without "sssssssssss."
"I, Faulconer, beheld a great serpent, and its name was Spanos, and such was its length that while its head was still in San Diego, its tail stretched north to the city of Carson, where it dug into the soil and held fast to the promise of the land. And when the serpent beheld the wealth of all the cities of the earth, presented as an offering, it opened up its jaws and swallowed whole the LArgest pile, and forgot the city of its youth and the expansion of its dwelling in the bowls of the earth. And all the people tore their jerseys and covered themselves with blue bodypaint and cried out, 'Save our bolts! Preserve them in this place, lest we become a byword among the cities of the earth, a desolate place where the Rivers no longer runs, or even passes.' And lo, even as the serpent turned to slither into the fetid north, a great bird, a falcon of surpassing cunning and power, descended from the sky and snatched up the serpent and carried it aloft. The serpent writhed and twisted in the wind, and called out to the League of National Footballs for deliverance, but the falcon would not surrender. It carried the serpent to the Charger place, and ensnared it in the lines of power. Whereupon it burst into flames and was consumed, scorching all the land about the place, so that nothing good remained. I, Faulconer, have seen these things. Take heed, O Spanos!"
Signs and portents.
The prophetic bird and snake, outlined in white and red for clarity.
Amazingly, the very next day, June 9th, a bird with a snake in its talons flew into a Sorrento Valley power line and sparked a four-acre blaze.
Speaking from his ivory tower at the top of the Geisel Library at UCSD, Professor of Old-Timey Things Arthur C. Codswallup offered this perspective on the remarkable event.
"The image of a bird with a snake has been associated with prophecy ever since the ancient Greeks. In Homer's epic poem The Iliad, an eagle appears in the sky with a snake in its talons just before the Trojan army is supposed to attack the Achaeans. The prophet Polydamas interprets the sight as an evil portent, warning the Trojan champion Hector that he should call off his plan to move his troops. Hector ignores the warning, and ultimately pays for the mistake with his life. I hate football, and I don't even own a television, but I have to side with the Mayor on this one. Together with his highly significant name, the fact that the fire was caused by the bird's collision with electrical lines, lines which carry an electrical charge — as in Charger — seems too fitting to ignore."
The monstrous and gropeful Undermayor Filner, who wickedly opposed the plan to keep the Chargers in San Diego by giving them hundreds of millions of dollars.
Not everyone was convinced, however.
"Bah!" snorted former mayor Bob Filner from his filthy underground mudhole. "The party of bastards has been using religious hogwash to influence the masses since God was a nonexistent boy. This is about money, pure and simple — the stuff Jesus said to render unto Caesar. Faulconer doesn't have enough liquidity to just buy the team's loyalty outright, and so he wants the people to back his play through an election. And if you want the great unwashed on your team, you better make sure you've got Jesus on your side. Or the divine birdy or whatever."
(Faulconer has in fact stated that the City is prepared to hold a special election in December 2015 to seek voter approval for a new stadium.)