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Glamping: Where the rich folk camp

At Dunton Hot Springs, glamorous camping includes this four-star African safari tent.
At Dunton Hot Springs, glamorous camping includes this four-star African safari tent.

Now to Labor Day is high season for camping. Collect spouse, kids, dogs, pack up SUV, set course for somewhere in Cleveland National Forest, Palomar Mountain, or the sweat lodges of Anywhere, Imperial County.

That’s all well and good for your folk, friends, acquaintances, slugs at work — in fact, for everybody in your world, but what about rich people? What are they supposed to do? Fire up the Bentley, check into Yosemite, and bed down in the stall next to you?

Rich people are like you and me in one sense: they want their nature time, too, they just don’t want it around middle-aged fat people and their whining spawn. Which brings us to “glamping,” a.k.a. glamorous camping. The idea is to go camping, but with 1200-count Egyptian cotton sheets, gourmet meals, tents with sitting rooms, Persian rugs, private bathrooms, and butlers and maids.

May I suggest you consider, or have your camping counselor consider, Creston Ranch at Dunton Hot Springs in southwest Colorado? Show up with money, they’ll provide everything else, to wit: custom-designed four-star African safari tents with cast-iron gas stoves, writing desks, king-sized beds, teak lounge chairs, en-suite bathrooms, L’aviva Home frazada throws. Enjoy yoga, pilates, hot springs, gym, horseback riding, or fly fishing in private waters. As for food, “In the late summer we gather wild mushrooms, chanterelles and boletus in the surrounding mountains. We all eat at a long, antique table in the center of the Saloon. A tradition from the big cattle outlaws that we choose to maintain. If guests prefer, however, we do have the option for guests to dine separately.” Price for two is $10,000 per week, give or take.

Want to get more natural, sleep under the stars? Okay, but before you get to the stars you’ve got to get through the day. And for safety’s sake you’ll need the very best eye protection. Better have your in-camp counselor pick up Oakley’s Elite C SIX sunglasses made with, “pure carbon fiber, a material thinner than human hair yet stronger than high tensile steel.” Super bargain at $4000.

If the stars become a bore, and you know they will, take your rest inside a NEMO Equipment isopod. It’s a tent with an outer fabric that is, “like a space blanket that breathes.” Order one today, $3400.

Speaking of space tents, what are you going to do for a sleeping bag? May I suggest a full system sleeping experience? Namely, the “02 Planet Oxygen Detox System,” as described on trendsetter website, LUXIST. You’ll start with a tinfoil-like mummy sleeping bag, but that’s only the beginning. You also get the “...Oxygen Detox System from 02 Planet, which claims to relax you, increase energy, and slow the signs of aging by detoxing and oxygenating your body. The system provides a steam sauna, water jets for massage, oxygen misting therapy, and infrared sauna blanket.” Be oxygenated while you sleep under the stars! Only $4595.

What about odds and ends? Those little things that can make such a difference in your camping experience!

You’ll want beer. Have staff acquire several cases of Sapporo’s Space Barley at $110 per six-pack. You can trust those Ruskies when it comes to booze. In 2006, Russian scientists sent barley seeds to the International Space Station. Planted said seeds on the Zvezda Service Module. Five months and four generations later, the barley returned to earth, was fermented by Sapporo, and, voilà, we have the world’s first beer from outer space!

You’ll need a leather tan Picnic Hamper from Katharine Pooley to go with that. “It’s a briefcase-style four-person picnic hamper with exquisite detailing, including leather corners, elegant handles and fixings.” While supplies last, $4460.

Let’s talk about your Me Time. In other words, what to do with the Red Tibetan Mastiff you recently purchased for $1.5 million?

NFL Preseason — Week 1

Have I got happy news for you! Paw Season in Long Ashton (near Bristol, Republic of England) has announced a special two-week vacation package for dogs. The following has been edited for clarity.

“To begin, your barking beloved will be taken for walks by Olympic hurdler Dai Greene. Afterwards, there’ll be a luxurious spa session with aromatherapy bath, body wash, and pedicures. Meals will be personally supervised by the hotel’s chef. The entertainment quota has been carefully chalked out and activities like swimming, surfing, and board games have been included in the agenda. Dog-centric films such as 101 Dalmatians and Lassie will be screened in the private mini theater. To ensure a complete movie-going experience, light snacks like dog friendly popcorn will be served. One to one psychiatry sessions will be conducted by behavioral specialist Stan Rawlinson. The spiritual session includes a Reiki massage....”

Giving it away for $75,000.

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Three poems for August by Dorothy Parker

With an acidic wit and keen eye for flawed humanity
At Dunton Hot Springs, glamorous camping includes this four-star African safari tent.
At Dunton Hot Springs, glamorous camping includes this four-star African safari tent.

Now to Labor Day is high season for camping. Collect spouse, kids, dogs, pack up SUV, set course for somewhere in Cleveland National Forest, Palomar Mountain, or the sweat lodges of Anywhere, Imperial County.

That’s all well and good for your folk, friends, acquaintances, slugs at work — in fact, for everybody in your world, but what about rich people? What are they supposed to do? Fire up the Bentley, check into Yosemite, and bed down in the stall next to you?

Rich people are like you and me in one sense: they want their nature time, too, they just don’t want it around middle-aged fat people and their whining spawn. Which brings us to “glamping,” a.k.a. glamorous camping. The idea is to go camping, but with 1200-count Egyptian cotton sheets, gourmet meals, tents with sitting rooms, Persian rugs, private bathrooms, and butlers and maids.

May I suggest you consider, or have your camping counselor consider, Creston Ranch at Dunton Hot Springs in southwest Colorado? Show up with money, they’ll provide everything else, to wit: custom-designed four-star African safari tents with cast-iron gas stoves, writing desks, king-sized beds, teak lounge chairs, en-suite bathrooms, L’aviva Home frazada throws. Enjoy yoga, pilates, hot springs, gym, horseback riding, or fly fishing in private waters. As for food, “In the late summer we gather wild mushrooms, chanterelles and boletus in the surrounding mountains. We all eat at a long, antique table in the center of the Saloon. A tradition from the big cattle outlaws that we choose to maintain. If guests prefer, however, we do have the option for guests to dine separately.” Price for two is $10,000 per week, give or take.

Want to get more natural, sleep under the stars? Okay, but before you get to the stars you’ve got to get through the day. And for safety’s sake you’ll need the very best eye protection. Better have your in-camp counselor pick up Oakley’s Elite C SIX sunglasses made with, “pure carbon fiber, a material thinner than human hair yet stronger than high tensile steel.” Super bargain at $4000.

If the stars become a bore, and you know they will, take your rest inside a NEMO Equipment isopod. It’s a tent with an outer fabric that is, “like a space blanket that breathes.” Order one today, $3400.

Speaking of space tents, what are you going to do for a sleeping bag? May I suggest a full system sleeping experience? Namely, the “02 Planet Oxygen Detox System,” as described on trendsetter website, LUXIST. You’ll start with a tinfoil-like mummy sleeping bag, but that’s only the beginning. You also get the “...Oxygen Detox System from 02 Planet, which claims to relax you, increase energy, and slow the signs of aging by detoxing and oxygenating your body. The system provides a steam sauna, water jets for massage, oxygen misting therapy, and infrared sauna blanket.” Be oxygenated while you sleep under the stars! Only $4595.

What about odds and ends? Those little things that can make such a difference in your camping experience!

You’ll want beer. Have staff acquire several cases of Sapporo’s Space Barley at $110 per six-pack. You can trust those Ruskies when it comes to booze. In 2006, Russian scientists sent barley seeds to the International Space Station. Planted said seeds on the Zvezda Service Module. Five months and four generations later, the barley returned to earth, was fermented by Sapporo, and, voilà, we have the world’s first beer from outer space!

You’ll need a leather tan Picnic Hamper from Katharine Pooley to go with that. “It’s a briefcase-style four-person picnic hamper with exquisite detailing, including leather corners, elegant handles and fixings.” While supplies last, $4460.

Let’s talk about your Me Time. In other words, what to do with the Red Tibetan Mastiff you recently purchased for $1.5 million?

NFL Preseason — Week 1

Have I got happy news for you! Paw Season in Long Ashton (near Bristol, Republic of England) has announced a special two-week vacation package for dogs. The following has been edited for clarity.

“To begin, your barking beloved will be taken for walks by Olympic hurdler Dai Greene. Afterwards, there’ll be a luxurious spa session with aromatherapy bath, body wash, and pedicures. Meals will be personally supervised by the hotel’s chef. The entertainment quota has been carefully chalked out and activities like swimming, surfing, and board games have been included in the agenda. Dog-centric films such as 101 Dalmatians and Lassie will be screened in the private mini theater. To ensure a complete movie-going experience, light snacks like dog friendly popcorn will be served. One to one psychiatry sessions will be conducted by behavioral specialist Stan Rawlinson. The spiritual session includes a Reiki massage....”

Giving it away for $75,000.

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