The Imperfect Blog

• Title: The Imperfect Blog
• Address: imperfectenjoyment.com
• Author: Dewan Gibson
• From: Otay Ranch
• Blogging since: February 2012

Post Title: Denzel Washington Taught Me How to Fight

Post Date: February 14, 2012

There was a time when I only knew how to fight one way: put my head down and swing wildly while yelling, “You’re not the boss of me!” This strategy — commonly referred to as “I don’t know karate, but I know crazy!” — proved more embarrassing than successful and as of yesterday is officially retired.

I’ve now added a singular, debilitating move to my nearly empty arsenal: the Denzel Washington throat chop. The Black Jesus of acting has done it in at least three movies with a 100 percent success rate. The strategy is simple: feign inattention while your opponent berates you. Suddenly strike him (or her, if it’s a girl in the club who doesn’t give you her number) in the throat with an open and pointed hand. As the victim bends over, unable to breathe and feeling like death is a-coming, taunt him with lines like “Huh? I can’t hear you…so who’s the bitch now?” When he falls down, steal his wallet and use his credit cards for gas, since you only need to know his zip code if you pay at the pump.

If you decide to implement Denzel’s secret technique, you have to be careful. A powerful throat chop can result in a crushed trachea, which could result in you going to prison for a long time. Like Denzel did in Hurricane. I bet he still bears the scars of that unjust experience. Keep your head up, Denzel.

Post Title: Adele’s Ex-Boyfriend Deserves a Grammy, Too

Post Date: February 13, 2012

Adele’s album 21 is entirely about an anonymous ex-boyfriend 10 years her senior, which tells me: 1) He gave her good meat; 2) In between the meat he likely did things that make young, naive women fall in love with older and temporarily interested men, such as listen, give the occasional unexpected compliment, and justify being single in his 30s as “waiting for the right one” when it was quite possibly more of a “still not interested in boning one for the rest of my life” situation; 3) He tired of doing numbers one and two; 4) He was probably a brotha, as we tend to date big white women at rates far higher than other men (Source: Maury show).

Despite his inspirational deeds, the bloke in question didn’t even get a shout-out when Adele won six Grammys. Plus, he didn’t get any production credit in the album’s liner notes. This in an era when anyone “connected” can get a production credit. (Even Jay-Z and Beyoncé’s then week-old daughter got a production credit on her father’s “Glory,” though she only contributed the umbilical cord blood used to write the lyrics on papyrus, in accordance with Illuminati tradition.)

Worse yet, a lot of Adele’s fans assume the ex is a bad guy. As I searched online for the guy’s identity, all I found in music forums and articles were terms like “asshole” and “douche.” But unlike the ex-ex boyfriend who inspired her debut album 19 that won two Grammys, the influence of 21 didn’t cheat (or at least didn’t get caught cheating, which is almost as admirable) or ask to be compensated for invigorating her creative process with much-needed pain.

Look, I’m not asking Rihanna to thank Chris Brown for the ghetto love taps that made her more famous than she could ever dream of being, even in a dream during REM sleep brought on by Breezy choking her out. His thank-you came in the form of a much-too-light sentence and subsequent “comeback kid” narrative. But Adele’s ex-boyfriend laid the pipe that produced the Album of the Year, so give the (black) man some credit.

UPDATE, 2/17/12: According to the New York Post, Adele’s ex, to whom she’s deeply indebted, is a man named Slinky Winfield, aka Slinky Sunbeam. Told you he was a brotha.

Post Title: R. Kelly to Host Cruise Concert, Not Subject to Laws in International Waters

Post Date: February 8, 2012

Go ahead, try to be romantic and take your girl to the R. Kelly concert cruise. Nine months later watch her give birth to a baby that’s born crying in a perfect octave. Lil’ baby di*k just swanging. And what’s R. Kelly going to say? The same thing he said when he got busted for providing sex education classes in his basement: “Ngga I ain’t hit that! That was brother, Carey. Go ask that ngga!”