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Too Late

Sipping wine with my partner in crime.
Sipping wine with my partner in crime.

I was never so popular in my building as when I was moving out. Outside of the homeowner meetings I chaired, my conversations with 80 percent of my neighbors was limited to answering their questions about board matters during an elevator ride, or sharing some polite, “We’re acknowledging each other’s presence because it would be awkward not to,” chitchat while collecting mail or taking recyclables to the trash room.

In the weeks before David and I moved, we received several invitations. Most of them were from neighbors who had become our friends over the years, with whom we had outstanding balances for overdue hangout time. I assured this friendly crowd that we are still local, and we will have plenty of opportunities after the hubbub of moving to continue our friendships. These invitations made me feel glad that I had managed to grow relationships with such good people in my tenure as their neighbor and self-proclaimed HOA Board Bitch.

It was the other invitations that made me raise a brow. As I mentioned, "most" were from neighbors who’d invited me to their homes before. People with whom I’d already clinked glasses, helped get in the building when they locked themselves out, shared plants, collected mail, and all those neighborly, friendly things people do. But from the few whom I’d only seen at meetings or in the hallway, a sudden social offer when I had one foot out the door seemed odd.

Perhaps they’d always meant to invite us over, but kept putting it off, the way we do with relatives when we take it for granted that they’ll always be there. Or maybe they wanted one final chance to pick my brain on all things building-related, and root out some of the gossip I’d accumulated over the years by being one of the few people brave and/or stupid enough to volunteer my time to handling homeowner issues for so long. I like to assume it’s the former. In which case, my moving out was seen by some as a kind of death. (Moving, death in the family, divorce, and job change are supposedly the four most stressful things that can happen to a person.)

David said the invitations reminded him of funerals. “Why is it that families only get together during a funeral?” he asked. I joked that it’s because they don’t like each other, but I knew that wasn’t the truth. It’s because we get busy, and we think we’ll always have a chance to see each other later, so other obligations continue to take priority. My cousin Jeffrey had tried for years to organize a family reunion in upstate New York. But it was only after he died, as one of the firefighters who rushed into the first tower on 9/11, that the rest of the family finally organized the trip in his honor. It’s an old, tired question, but its relevance is unfailing: Why do we wait until it’s too late?

I understand that people want to be nice. But to me, taking the “last” opportunity to have a neighbor over for the “first” time seems kind of pointless.

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Sipping wine with my partner in crime.
Sipping wine with my partner in crime.

I was never so popular in my building as when I was moving out. Outside of the homeowner meetings I chaired, my conversations with 80 percent of my neighbors was limited to answering their questions about board matters during an elevator ride, or sharing some polite, “We’re acknowledging each other’s presence because it would be awkward not to,” chitchat while collecting mail or taking recyclables to the trash room.

In the weeks before David and I moved, we received several invitations. Most of them were from neighbors who had become our friends over the years, with whom we had outstanding balances for overdue hangout time. I assured this friendly crowd that we are still local, and we will have plenty of opportunities after the hubbub of moving to continue our friendships. These invitations made me feel glad that I had managed to grow relationships with such good people in my tenure as their neighbor and self-proclaimed HOA Board Bitch.

It was the other invitations that made me raise a brow. As I mentioned, "most" were from neighbors who’d invited me to their homes before. People with whom I’d already clinked glasses, helped get in the building when they locked themselves out, shared plants, collected mail, and all those neighborly, friendly things people do. But from the few whom I’d only seen at meetings or in the hallway, a sudden social offer when I had one foot out the door seemed odd.

Perhaps they’d always meant to invite us over, but kept putting it off, the way we do with relatives when we take it for granted that they’ll always be there. Or maybe they wanted one final chance to pick my brain on all things building-related, and root out some of the gossip I’d accumulated over the years by being one of the few people brave and/or stupid enough to volunteer my time to handling homeowner issues for so long. I like to assume it’s the former. In which case, my moving out was seen by some as a kind of death. (Moving, death in the family, divorce, and job change are supposedly the four most stressful things that can happen to a person.)

David said the invitations reminded him of funerals. “Why is it that families only get together during a funeral?” he asked. I joked that it’s because they don’t like each other, but I knew that wasn’t the truth. It’s because we get busy, and we think we’ll always have a chance to see each other later, so other obligations continue to take priority. My cousin Jeffrey had tried for years to organize a family reunion in upstate New York. But it was only after he died, as one of the firefighters who rushed into the first tower on 9/11, that the rest of the family finally organized the trip in his honor. It’s an old, tired question, but its relevance is unfailing: Why do we wait until it’s too late?

I understand that people want to be nice. But to me, taking the “last” opportunity to have a neighbor over for the “first” time seems kind of pointless.

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Comments
4

My wife and I are saddened that you were forced by circumstances to leave your condo. I have been in our house for over 30 years. My wife has been here nearly 20 years. There have been several times that I or we thought that a move was immenent. But through hard work and luck we were able to overcome the adversity. We do wish you both the best in your new digs. What is your decor? We would like to send a "house warming" gift. Just something small and warm.

Aug. 9, 2011

Dear forensiclawyer & wife,

Thank you so much for your kind words and heartfelt wishes. That alone is more than enough to "warm our house".

Your kindness and generosity are greatly appreciated.

Best regards to you and your wife, David

Aug. 9, 2011

I second that emotion. :)

Aug. 10, 2011

Thank you for your response to my e-mail. I feel that I am sailing under false colors. I spent over 20 years in the NAVY then obtained employment with the SDUSD. I will retire July 2014. I am currently preparing to become a lawyer so I can practive law when the above occurs. I hold a BA, a Master in Forensic Sciences and I am currently scheduled to take the Baby Bar October 25, 2011. I will then continue in law school. When I do appear in court representing a cause, I will be fulfilling a life long dream. I am a wage earner and proud that education has been my tool to better myself. My wife is very supportive of our dreams. Miss Diva, I read your weekly column on a continuous basis. You appear to discuss everyday issues that occur to everyday people. That is the universal appeal that you encircle us in. Thank you.

Aug. 11, 2011

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4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
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