Obama picked me to be vice president! And I picked Kermit the Frog to serve as my vice vice president, along with undersecretary Michael Phelps.
Our first order of business will be to stage Kermit’s swamp and Michael’s water tank in the vice presidential office. I’ve got it all worked out. They can feed each other — Kermit can throw in a fish every hour, and Michael’s tank draws flies, which Kermit will eat. That’s what politicians call “win-win.” Kermit will of course be in charge of cleaning Michael’s filters, but I’ll look after the bubbly treasure chest, hollow castle, and bright turquoise pebbles at the bottom of his tank.
Second order of business is for me to live up to my campaign promises. Yes, fine citizens, I will immediately enact the “wet Band-Aid” law, in which children who lose a Band-Aid in a pool have to eat some other kid’s wet Band-Aid. As well as fulfilling my vow that any Hooters girl found on the street during the day without her muzzle on will be shot in the butt with a BB gun.
Zombies are right out.
In honor of being appointed vice tyrant of homeland endeavors, I’ve named my crotch “The Stimulus Package.”
In the coming term I will require several things to aid me in the full accomplishment of my duties: (1) a rocket pack; (b) cookies; and (4) access to every Marvel comic ever printed. These are not frivolous items; they each fulfill a purpose. In case of disaster, the comic books will act as a guide to defeating supervillains. One cannot fight evil without the nutritional benefit of cookies. And the rocket pack is a rocket pack because everyone should have a rocket pack, and since I’ll be the head honcho what’s in charge around here, I get mine first.
Of course, this office isn’t going to be all fun and shooting pandas with water guns full of whiskey. No. There are goals to be accomplished, namely the roundup and dispersal of illegal aliens. In my pursuit of these wrongful immigrants, I’ll need a Wonder Woman costume and all the margarita mix that’ll fit in the back of a Ford Festiva.
Who the hell is Joe Biden? A senator? From where? What the hell is Delaware? Oh, okay, I’ll play along. Sure it’s a state. So, where is this mythical state of Delaware nobody’s ever heard of? Obama picked him for vice president?
Ah, rats! Stupid CNN. Ruin all my fun.
WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK
Thursday, August 28
Wheel of Fortune
NBC 9:00 p.m.
With the nonstop Olympics coverage, I’ve become accustomed to everyone on TV going about their routines half-naked. Now I want it all the time. Pat Sajak, you get in that patriotic, bikini-cut Speedo. I SAID GET INTO THAT SPEEDO, PAT SAJAK!
Tabatha’s Salon Takeover
Bravo 10:00 p.m.
Oh, goodie, a reality show about the fashion industry. Well, it’s about time. Now all I really need is a dramatic program about medicine, one about the police, something about lawyers, and a comedy in which there’s a bumbling but kind-hearted husband and a hotter-than-he-deserves wife. I wish someone would get cracking on those. Because it’s not like there are thousands of them already.
Friday, August 29
Anderson Cooper 360
CNN 8:00 p.m.
I’ve got it in my mind that Barack Obama’s inaugural ceremony is going to play out something like the scene from Blazing Saddles in which the new sheriff rides into town. Now all we need is frontiersman Gabby Johnson up on the church bell tower to tell us when Senator Obama is approaching.
Grizzly Man Diaries
Animal Planet 9:00 p.m.
It’s the classic tale. Asocial man seeks refuge in wilderness. Befriends bears. Bears eat him. Bears poop. Flowers grow in poop. Other man goes to sniff flowers. Bears eat him. Woman discovers body. Bears eat her. Ninjas deployed. Bears eat ninjas. Army helicopters called in. Bears eat them, pick their teeth, and burp. Robots: 0. Bears: 4,487. Angry villagers storm. Bears obtain fire, start wearing clothes, and using iPhones. ALL GLORY TO OUR BEAR OVERLORDS! (You’ve heard this story a thousand times.)
Saturday, August 30
NBC 8:00 p.m.
Headline! “NBC Revives Stinking Corpse One Year After Official Death. Medical Community Stunned. TV Viewers Groan and Roll Eyes and Search Area for Items to Blind Themselves With.” Story at 11.
Sunday, August 31
The Shrimp on the Barbie
XDTV 2:00 p.m.
In the late 1980s the U.S. discovered a magical country where the people speak a funny language and where the animals have odd little pouches. It’s a wonderful place, and Hollywood saw fit to situate every single movie of a generation in this strange land, but after that we forgot about the crazy country and it returned to being a stinky desert island. I think it’s called Austria, and nobody cares about it anymore. Eat one, Austria. We’re sick of you.
Monday, September 1
The 2008 Jerry Lewis Telethon
KUSI 9:00 a.m.
Please, won’t you dig deep and give? Every year we run this telethon to fund our project of turning Jerry Lewis into a cyborg and, so far, every year he only gets older, uglier, fatter, more irritating, more of a pompous ass, and his ears are full of potato salad and ranch dressing and he pees himself. A lot. So please, won’t you help?
Tuesday, September 2
Republican National Convention
CBS 7:00 p.m.
The sound of money transferring to secret bank accounts and the “scritch, scritch, scritch” of hotel registry pens writing “John Smith” can be heard as far away as Albuquerque. In other news: The prices of those tiny drug baggies, condoms, and penny loafers skyrocket all around the Minneapolis area.
Wednesday, September 3
Republican National Convention
PBS 6:00 p.m.
Also, I wanted to work in a joke about a good portion of the Repubs being closet gays, but I couldn’t squeeze it into the capsule up there. So, just imagine that I did, okay? Thanks. (If you could throw in something about being old and maybe a joke about testicles too, then that’d be super. Okay, thanks.)
Thursday, September 4
CW 8:00 p.m.
We don’t have to write new stuff anymore. We can just rip any old thing off and call it a day. Excuse me, I’m late for a production of Joanie Loves Chachi, starring a filthy old pair of tube socks. And it’s set in my shower. And I’m naked. Why am I crying and why do I smell like vanilla extract? We’ll just have to wait and see how the story unfolds, now, won’t we?