Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Year End Quiz 2006

Two thousand six will go down as the year Grandma went on strike for Christmas. Usually she's all wound up planning festive meals, looking for new shiny things to hang on the tree, negotiating bulk discounts on underwear and socks for the elves. The rest of us sit around the place recovering from another year of smartening up the population while Grandma's whizzing around the room with dust cloths and spray cans and tinsel and those ugly little Hummel figurines. Man, if you don't keep alert and pick your feet up off the floor when she comes through with the vacuum cleaner, she'll just bash right into you. She's relentless.

Our first clue that something was wrong this year was when she didn't unpack her Twelve Days of Christmas aprons. I remember as a little know-it-all starting to get really excited when Grandma had gotten down to the Five Golden Rings model. We knew there were presents just over the horizon. By Three Calling Birds, I would be having trouble sleeping. The partridge and the pear tree signaled that it was on. For years I believed that a stork brought babies, a partridge had something to do with Christmas presents.

But this year, at some point, we realized she hadn't even taken out the mixing bowls for her mincemeat pie. Every year we refuse to eat anything called mincemeat pie, but that doesn't stop her from making it. So Ma Alice took over pie duties this year, but since she didn't have the recipe, we were screwed. Ma did go out and buy meat, and every day she minced it a little more, hoping it would transform itself into a pie, but no luck. Grandma wasn't talking, so we were on our own.

Sponsored
Sponsored

At least the roof looks festive. Regular listeners already know that Pa Alice had decided to leave up the Santa and His Reindeer light display year round. Why take it down when he's just going to have to put it up again next year? Typical Pa Alice thinking. He's always vigilant for opportunities to conserve energy. "Living green," he calls it. Grandma uses other colorful phrases.

Every year the elves volunteer to handle anything that needs decorating that is low enough for them to reach. That's pretty much nothing, so they take off on their scooters and we don't see them again until the eggnog's ready on Christmas Eve. This year we got the egg part handled, but we never did find nog.

In spite of Grandma's strike, we've managed to put together our traditional New Year's gift to you Alicelanders, the year-end quiz, in which you realize how much wiser you are in December than you were last January. No, no, please don't thank us. It's our pleasure.

1. Because science long ago appropriated the name "meteorology" for the study of the weather, people who study meteors are forced to call themselves "meteoricists" and the study of meteors "meteorics." Therefore, Matthew Alice might be called a (A) facticist, (B) truthicist, (C) realiticist, (D) hotairicist.

2. Mom told you to wear clean underwear every day in case you're in an accident. But we investigated the doo-doo of death question, and now Matthew Alice recommends that everyone wear: (A) Depends, (B) porcelain jockeys, (C) Charmin boxers, (D) a maxi-pad thongs, (E) nothing.

3. Our longest investigation this year had to do with unique vehicles you'll see only on the streets of San Diego. These are: (A) Mars rovers, (B) the research elves on those little Shriners bikes, (C) Ma Alice's home-built quarter-scale Oscar Meyer Weiner cars, (D) motorcycle-powered bumper cars from amusement parks around the world.

4. From the Matthew Alice Do-It-Yourself Law Files, we got plenty of handy, fee-free tips. Which of the following will get you arrested, and which is a clever idea? (A) Go right ahead and make a citizen's arrest of anybody who is acting especially stupid, since acting like a jerk in a public place is a felony, and we all know the jerks of the world are just asking for it. (B) If you bump off your annoying neighbor in a rowboat 600 miles offshore, you're pretty much in the clear, arrest-wise. (C) Make a citizen's arrest of someone throwing his chewed-out gum on the sidewalk and the police will not laugh at you when they show up. If they show up. Well, actually, they won't show up.

5. We had a fun question about animals at play. We found out that: (A) the Association for the Study of Play is an association for the study of play, (B) Bugs don't have enough free time to play, (C) One scientist actually believed he could find examples of play behavior in octopuses, and by golly he did! (D) Even though the science guys claim to have observed play behavior in birds, reptiles, amphibians, and exotic mammals, they still aren't sure how to define "play."

6. The Ad Council is responsible for some of America's most memorable slogans. Which one is not an Ad Council creation: (A) A mind is a terrible thing to waste, (B) Loose lips sink ships, (C) Friends don't let friends drive drunk, (D) This is your brain on drugs, (E) Waaaaaazzzzuuuup?!

The latest copy of the Reader

Please enjoy this clickable Reader flipbook. Linked text and ads are flash-highlighted in blue for your convenience. To enhance your viewing, please open full screen mode by clicking the icon on the far right of the black flipbook toolbar.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Todd Gloria gets cash from McDonald's franchise owners

Phil's BBQ owner for Larry Turner
Next Article

At 4pm, this Farmer's Table restaurant in Chula Vista becomes Acqua e Farina

Brunch restaurant by day, Roman style trattoria by night

Two thousand six will go down as the year Grandma went on strike for Christmas. Usually she's all wound up planning festive meals, looking for new shiny things to hang on the tree, negotiating bulk discounts on underwear and socks for the elves. The rest of us sit around the place recovering from another year of smartening up the population while Grandma's whizzing around the room with dust cloths and spray cans and tinsel and those ugly little Hummel figurines. Man, if you don't keep alert and pick your feet up off the floor when she comes through with the vacuum cleaner, she'll just bash right into you. She's relentless.

Our first clue that something was wrong this year was when she didn't unpack her Twelve Days of Christmas aprons. I remember as a little know-it-all starting to get really excited when Grandma had gotten down to the Five Golden Rings model. We knew there were presents just over the horizon. By Three Calling Birds, I would be having trouble sleeping. The partridge and the pear tree signaled that it was on. For years I believed that a stork brought babies, a partridge had something to do with Christmas presents.

But this year, at some point, we realized she hadn't even taken out the mixing bowls for her mincemeat pie. Every year we refuse to eat anything called mincemeat pie, but that doesn't stop her from making it. So Ma Alice took over pie duties this year, but since she didn't have the recipe, we were screwed. Ma did go out and buy meat, and every day she minced it a little more, hoping it would transform itself into a pie, but no luck. Grandma wasn't talking, so we were on our own.

Sponsored
Sponsored

At least the roof looks festive. Regular listeners already know that Pa Alice had decided to leave up the Santa and His Reindeer light display year round. Why take it down when he's just going to have to put it up again next year? Typical Pa Alice thinking. He's always vigilant for opportunities to conserve energy. "Living green," he calls it. Grandma uses other colorful phrases.

Every year the elves volunteer to handle anything that needs decorating that is low enough for them to reach. That's pretty much nothing, so they take off on their scooters and we don't see them again until the eggnog's ready on Christmas Eve. This year we got the egg part handled, but we never did find nog.

In spite of Grandma's strike, we've managed to put together our traditional New Year's gift to you Alicelanders, the year-end quiz, in which you realize how much wiser you are in December than you were last January. No, no, please don't thank us. It's our pleasure.

1. Because science long ago appropriated the name "meteorology" for the study of the weather, people who study meteors are forced to call themselves "meteoricists" and the study of meteors "meteorics." Therefore, Matthew Alice might be called a (A) facticist, (B) truthicist, (C) realiticist, (D) hotairicist.

2. Mom told you to wear clean underwear every day in case you're in an accident. But we investigated the doo-doo of death question, and now Matthew Alice recommends that everyone wear: (A) Depends, (B) porcelain jockeys, (C) Charmin boxers, (D) a maxi-pad thongs, (E) nothing.

3. Our longest investigation this year had to do with unique vehicles you'll see only on the streets of San Diego. These are: (A) Mars rovers, (B) the research elves on those little Shriners bikes, (C) Ma Alice's home-built quarter-scale Oscar Meyer Weiner cars, (D) motorcycle-powered bumper cars from amusement parks around the world.

4. From the Matthew Alice Do-It-Yourself Law Files, we got plenty of handy, fee-free tips. Which of the following will get you arrested, and which is a clever idea? (A) Go right ahead and make a citizen's arrest of anybody who is acting especially stupid, since acting like a jerk in a public place is a felony, and we all know the jerks of the world are just asking for it. (B) If you bump off your annoying neighbor in a rowboat 600 miles offshore, you're pretty much in the clear, arrest-wise. (C) Make a citizen's arrest of someone throwing his chewed-out gum on the sidewalk and the police will not laugh at you when they show up. If they show up. Well, actually, they won't show up.

5. We had a fun question about animals at play. We found out that: (A) the Association for the Study of Play is an association for the study of play, (B) Bugs don't have enough free time to play, (C) One scientist actually believed he could find examples of play behavior in octopuses, and by golly he did! (D) Even though the science guys claim to have observed play behavior in birds, reptiles, amphibians, and exotic mammals, they still aren't sure how to define "play."

6. The Ad Council is responsible for some of America's most memorable slogans. Which one is not an Ad Council creation: (A) A mind is a terrible thing to waste, (B) Loose lips sink ships, (C) Friends don't let friends drive drunk, (D) This is your brain on drugs, (E) Waaaaaazzzzuuuup?!

Comments
Sponsored

The latest copy of the Reader

Please enjoy this clickable Reader flipbook. Linked text and ads are flash-highlighted in blue for your convenience. To enhance your viewing, please open full screen mode by clicking the icon on the far right of the black flipbook toolbar.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Gonzo Report: Goose may have indie vibes, but they’re still a jam band

Fans turn out in force for show at SDSU
Next Article

Jazz guitarist Alex Ciavarelli pays tribute to pianist Oscar Peterson

“I had to extract the elements that spoke to me and realize them on my instrument”
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

This Week’s Reader This Week’s Reader