2003 Year-end Quiz

The research elves are off making some seasonal pocket money (money to have pockets put in their little tunics). They hire out for Christmas parties, which means Grandma spends most of December fluffing up felt and applying a curling iron to the toes of their shoes. Pa Alice took care of Christmas back in '84, when he put a lighted plastic Santa on the roof and decided to leave it there to save time in '85. It worked so well, he made it a tradition. And it's been a great landmark to use when giving folks directions to his big Fourth of July barbecues. So he's not scheduled to move from in front of the TV until after the Pro Bowl. Ma Alice is back at her annual task of trying to find out what, exactly, mincemeat is, and why anyone would put it in a pie. Guess that just leaves me to grapple with our traditional year-end quiz. We got a great deal on some used punch-card voting machines, so throw away the old pencil and paper, line up behind the police tape, and wait your turn in the booth.

1. I always find Matthew Alice damn fascinating and life enriching. Believe me, personally and professionally, I wouldn't be where I am today without one particular question back in 1954 that literally changed my life. But if I'm forced to pick one fact from 2003 that meant the most to me, I'd have to say it is:

a. Attila the Hun parted his hair on the left.

b. Locally, each Girl Scout sells about 10,000 calories worth of cookies

c. Given today's firearm technology, if I'm standing on the moon, I can't shoot a guy who's on Pluto.

d. If I do shoot a guy on Pluto, I can't use a bone marrow transplant to fool the DNA lab.

2. The TV show America's Most Wanted has helped lock up nearly 800 perps since it first went on the air. Among them are:

a. The Green River Killer

b. Martha Stewart

c. Mary Kate and Ashley

d. Several actors who played the featured desperadoes in various AMW crime recreations

3. It's the end of an era! What monumental event in 2003 put a halt to many years of Matthew Alice fun at the expense of Hollywood?

a. Harrison Ford finally got his star on the Walk of Fame, ending a decade of confusion and speculation about how they'd distinguish it from the star they already have for silent-film star Harrison Ford.

b. The answer is a.

c. And after all that, they never did make new Harrison's different from old Harrison's.

4. Nothing is commoner than common knowledge. We prove this every week. Which of these bits of information are just damn fool nonsense that you Alicelanders believed until I set you straight?

a. NASA developed Tang.

b. If you fall asleep in the bath tub, you'll drown.

c. But at least your hair and nails continue to grow after you die.

d. Brown eggs are more nutritious than white eggs; mom said so, so it's true.

e. It's illegal to drive with no shoes on, but it's smart to walk around a recycling center with no shoes on.

f. Bra straps hold up boobs like string holds up cheeses in an Italian deli.

g. Blue-eyed parents can't have a brow-eyed child.

h. Life is fair, and justice will triumph.

5. The cuisine elite must be stopped. Which is the most ridiculous dining-out concept discussed this year?

a. Hand-harvested, unscrubbed sea salt; $40 a pound to make your vegetables taste like the kitchen forgot to wash them.

b. Cotton candy: sugar and air, the newest "fun" dessert