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Me: Why are you watching the Teen Choice Awards? You're 27. Her: I just want to see Nick Lachey win an award for his new song. Because, to hell with Jessica.

Me: You're a good 14 years older than everyone else who's watching.

Her: Bull! It's for "teens," that means everyone up to 19.

Me: Do you honestly believe anyone 19 is watching this? Those are little kids in the audience. 9-year-olds up to, probably, a very few dorky 14-year-olds are watching this. And you.

Her: I told you I was waiting for Nick to get his award and then you can change it.

Me: Let's see what's on.

Her: Wait! My boyfriend from Prison Break is coming on. Then Kevin Federline is going to do that Popozao song. In one line he says "You know what you can do? Grab your socks."

Me: What does that mean?

Her: Shhhh. Here's Nick Lachey.

Me: Damn, he's a good-looking guy. He probably beds more women than I walk by in a day.

Her: No. He's got a girlfriend.

Me: Please. You think he wants to go back to having a girlfriend after he was with Jessica for...wait! Goddamn it! Now you've got me doing it. Why are we watching this!?

Her: Well, now we can't change the channel because you broke the remote. You feel better?

Me: It's not broken; the battery fell out when it hit the bathroom door.

Her: Well, next time you feel the need to...wait! It's that guy from Prison Break . He's my boyfriend, you know?

Me: Does he make you grab your socks? OW!

Her: Well, that's what you get.

Me: Do you know these people? You act like they're your best friends. You've never even met them, but you know exactly who's dating who, and why they broke up, and who's gay.

Her: Shut up.

Me: They're not real. They probably don't even...

Her: I said SHUT UP!

Me: Ow! Stop doing that!

Her: Britney's on. Oh! Look at that low-cut dress. Pregnancy's been very good to her boobs. But my God, you trailer park hooker, take the gum out of your mouth.

Me: She has a mouth? I can't take my eyes off...ow! Maybe later I can make her grab her socks...OW!


Thursday, August 24

The View

ABC 10:00 a.m. Since Star Jones has been canned from The View, she has some extra time on her hands. She's been spotted circling a desert oil refinery in a hot rod dune buggy, wearing leather bandoliers and a hockey mask and shouting into a loudspeaker system, "Work! Work! Make the gas! I am your Lord Humongous. Make the gas. And beef stew. Make beef stew. But don't forget the gas! Make gas too! But beef stew first."

Twins in Peril: Twin to Twin Transfusion

DHC 9:00 p.m. Have you ever seen those twins with really nothing in common? Well, I'm one of those types of twins. My twin is a meerkat. I've tried to dig complex tunnels beneath my apartment and pop out by the street and rest my little hands against my belly and swivel my head around on lookout for danger. I do it to make Reginald -- oh, Reginald is my twin meerkat. I do it to make Reginald happy, but it's really not my thing.

Friday, August 25

Pimp My Ride

MTV 9:00 p.m. "Ride My Pimp" is the better show.

Saturday, August 26

CNN Live Saturday

CNN 11:00 a.m. Let's see. Taliban gaining ground in Afghanistan? Crap. Israel and Hezbollah? No story there. 2600 American soldiers dead in Iraq? Zip. Millions of starving children abroad and at home? Nada. JonBenét's killer captured? Happy days are here again! Let's yank her out of the dirt and prance her around like a marionette. Maybe her dad still has some of that lipstick he used to force her to wear. Ew. I even grossed myself out on that one.

The Wood (1999)

TNT 11:00 a.m. Ah, camping. Who doesn't love it? The logs, the beef sticks, the fishing rods. Even fiddling with the equipment can be quite enjoyable. First thing you want to do is unpack the meat. Find a good twig with a ripe set of berries. If you know how, you can start to get some heat even from only one good stick. That's when you should grab your package and pull out that kielbasa you've been saving for a special occasion, or maybe some pork and a cigar. Hey, wait a minute. I'm talking about camping, what are you...ugh, you sicko.

Sunday, August 27

First Comes Love (1999)

WGNSAT 12:00 p.m. Then comes marriage. Then comes baby in the baby carriage. Then comes arguing. Then comes withheld intimacy. Then comes drinking. Then comes the shouting and accusations at night, "My sister! You what? That's my sister, I can't believe you!" Then come the attorneys. Then the lonely days, empty uptown apartment, and scratching a 3-day-old beard. Then comes the soliloquy in front of the mirror, "If I'd only had the good damned sense to not sit in that tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g."

Monday, August 28

The 58th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards

BRAVO 9:00 p.m. If television could transmit smell, Joan Rivers would reek of desperation, sequins, and sweaty wig. The Emmys would lose most of their audience, but, hell, I'd probably tune in. You know, for the good schadenfreude.

Tuesday, August 29

The Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search

CMTV 8:00 p.m. Oh, really? Is it the "ultimate"? Good. I'm tired of these half-assed, mediocre, "just okay" searches for the next Coyote Ugly dancing bartender. I've really had it up to here, and I've been waiting so long. Finally.

Wednesday, August 30

Project Runway

BRAVO 10:00 p.m. If real life was Pulp Fiction and I had a giant Afro, mutton chop sideburns, and a chrome .45, I'd track Heidi Klum down to a dingy South Central L.A. apartment and shout, "Say 'You will be in or you will be out,' one more time, ************! Say it!"

Thursday, August 31

The Cosby Show

TVLAND 9:00 p.m. They don't tell you this, but Bill Cosby only had one sweater. It was from a species of hybrid angora chameleon that scientists had created in a lab for the U.S. Army and a very interested Casino carpet baron. Bill was the test subject. The Army declined the winter wear line and the flooring merchant was never heard from again. Now you know.

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