Here's what we know: (1) The Padres are in first place in the National League West. (2) The Padres have lost more games than they've won.
Why is the NL West, in all of Major League Baseball, the only division wherein no team has a .500 record after four months of play? This is a unique happening, has never been seen since Major League Baseball re-organized itself into divisions back in 1969. Simple-minded observers and paid media hacks blame lousy pitching, lousy hitting, and lousy fielding. If that were all there is to it, why haven't other teams -- any other team, in any other division, since 1969 -- fielded equally lousy pitching, lousy hitting, and lousy fielding?
There is something impossible to believe about the 2005 Padres. Something sports and science cannot explain. Perhaps, sports and science are not allowed to explain, if you get my meaning.
The job falls to us. "What is the real reason the Padres lose more games than they win, yet still remain number one?" To get at the truth we'll need to safari into strange, unknown territory. We'll begin our journey at the trailhead of sports and science, the lead of a Weekly World News think piece:
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR PROSTITUTE IS AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL.
Here, from government experts, are ten warning signs that the prostitute you've picked up is a sinister space babe:
- Looks too good to be true. If that curvy cutie working the street corner is a dead ringer for Catherine Zeta-Jones, odds are the gorgeous star isn't moonlighting. A shape-shifting ET has probably adopted the form of your dream girl.
- Sex was "unbelievable." If the encounter was "everything you've always fantasized about," chances are the memory was implanted by ETs.
- Abductions. San Diego Padres report abductions by inhabitants of Alpha Centauri. Space creatures strip ballplayers, probe and prod, then complain that Petco Park was designed to give humanoids an advantage.
- Squeamish about spanking. Terrestrial prostitutes are willing to perform virtually every sexual act if the money is right. But ETs don't like having their butts touched.
- The San Diego Padres' starting nine no longer pat each other on the fanny when celebrating a home run.
(Warning Signs 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 were redacted by the Department of Homeland Cleanliness.)
I am saddened to report that Trapper & Predator Caller Magazine did not publish my latest letter to the editor complaining about the Padres' won/loss record and the subsequent world sports media cover-up. It's beginning to look like somebody has gotten to them.
We learn more from Ladies Home Journal. A headline screams, "10 GREAT PLACES TO MEET A MAN."
- Comedy classes. Acting classes are filled with gorgeous nymphets and men who make great shopping buddies. Your average stand-up class, on the other hand, is a festival of testosterone.
- Baseball diamonds. Even if you know nothing about the game, you can still enjoy sitting outside on a summer night with a bag of peanuts and a hot dog. The beer line should be packed with fans, so get behind a cute one and ask him about his favorite team, advises a 39-year-old from Vancouver.
- Avoid San Diego Padres fan-club meetings. If anyone shows up, they are likely to be looking for food.
(Great Places to Meet Men numbers 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 were redacted by the Department of Patriotism.)
UFO Magazine scoops the world.
It is alleged that the U.S. government is holding a number of alien bodies. Below is a list of these bodies that the U.S. would have if all the sightings and accounts concerned were true.
Date Place Number (of bodies)
22 July 1947 Roswell, N.M. 4
13 Feb 1948 Aztec, N.M. 12
13 Oct 1953 Dutton, MO 4
May 1989 South Africa 2 (living)
August 2005 Petco Park 9 (unconscious)
And Flying Saucer Review puts it all in perspective.
"The whole [alien] phenomenon involves a mass of features that conflict with modern science, and many researchers now believe that more than one type of being may be involved, some of them originating from outer space and some of them of an 'interdimensional' nature..."
Indeed. We have come to the end of our quest. The sack of fumblers we call the Padres are actually "interdimensional" beings and therefore cannot be expected to know the nuances of professional baseball.
But, wait till next year.