Photo by Rick Geary

On night maneuvers in a war zone, you’ll glow like you’re wearing neon bunny slippers.

Mat mail: I like to shine my shoes. What can I do for the best shine? — Lewis S. Zelenak, Encinitas

Hi, Lewis. After a brief discussion, our Screw-Loose Screening Committee, which classifies the incoming mail, winged your note into the “Danger to Self and Others” bin. This happens to be the main source for the questions we answer, so today’s your lucky day. You realize, of course, that no well-balanced person likes shining shoes. Or buying shoes. Or wearing shoes. From O.J. to Bosnia, half the strife in the world can be traced directly back to bad footwear. And I’ve got the research to prove it stored right here in one of these old shoeboxes. The only reason to own shoes is for the resulting empty boxes, impossible to throw away and a critical element of our clutter-control infrastructure. So if you’d said you like shining your shoeboxes, we’d have thought nothing of it. But then we wouldn’t have answered your question. We’re nothing if not ironic around here. We feel it complements our Puckish unpredictability.

Where better to get a shoeshine opinion than MCRD? Here’s how the Marines do it. Crack open a brand-new pair of black boots, clean off the mysterious protective coating with a gentle hand-wash; with shaving gel, wipe ’em clean, dry ’em overnight. Lay on a coat of leather dye, let it dry overnight. Hold a cigarette lighter under a can of classic black Kiwi paste polish to soften the wax, fill your idle hours confined to barracks by applying layer after layer of hot polish with your finger and/or a rag. Buffbuffbuffbuffbuffetc. with a soft cloth, lubricating the rag-boot interface with a spritz of water. Don’t disrespect the uniform by spitting on it. Shoe-polish experts say spit is acid and spoils the wax surface anyway. Continue buffing till you finally get a weekend pass.

A word of advice. If you’re planning to wear your high-polish shoes for night maneuvers in a war zone, you’ll glow like you’re wearing neon bunny slippers if they spot you through an infrared scope. Same thing happens if you have lots of starch in your cammies, so Marines are sent into actual combat looking as dull and wilted as possible.

Leather conditioners and dyes aside, wax and endless buffing are the keys to a high, durable shine. Paste polish has the greatest proportion of wax to solvents and emulsifiers, so it’s the pros’ choice. If you’re a true fanatic, polish first with a colored paste wax, then add a layer or two of neutral paste wax for depth, a little like painting your car with six or seven coats of hand-rubbed lacquer.

A rebellious minority of shine addicts uses horsehair brushes for the final buff, but most recommend the softest, cleanest cloth you can find. A dirty rag will scratch the wax and the leather. Electric shoe buffers save on the arm power, but make sure the fuzzy end is dirt-free. You’ll hear all kinds of opinions on a lubricant for the buff, everything from rubbing alcohol to lighter fluid, but plain water in a spray bottle is best. One shoeshine parlor uses Evian, but they also charge $10 a pair, so that’s just showboating.

But for the average Joe Shoeshine, here are some more practical tips. Eat a banana every morning and wipe your shoes with the inside of the peel. The oils in banana skins temporarily spiff up a dull shine, with socks full of ants the only possible downside. Carnauba wax is one ingredient in paste polish, so you might go through a hot-wax car wash with your feet out the window. Or send your dull Bruno Maglis to Lewis and make his day.