Over in Minsk (which I hear is lovely this time of year), there was a plaster statue of Vladimir Lenin that was built in the late 1930s. Well, a drunk 21-year-old (drinking, in Russia?!) was hanging from the arm, and the 16-foot-high edifice collapsed on him. He died instantly.

At the exact same time, right down to the minute...an equally idiotic person died. She was a 74-year-old woman in Denver, swinging from the arm of a Golden Girls statue built in a strip mall.

Okay, that second paragraph is a bit of a lie.

She died because she left food outside her house for bears. She did this, despite the fact that everyone warned her it was dangerous. Oh, and it is also illegal.

Donna Munsons body was found, partially eaten by bears.

Now, I always hated the ballad "Donna" by Ritchie Valens. And I never cared for song parodies. But I just had to type this ditty to a dummy.

Oh, Donna. Oh, Donna. Oh, Donna. Oh, Donna

(this is the bear singing):

I had a girl, Donna was her name.

Since I ate her, I've never been the same.

Cause she doesn't agree with me; Donna, who will now feed me?

Donna, why couldn't you see?

Now that you're gone, I'm left looking, for food all alone.
All by myself, To wander and to roam. And your dentures and wig...They just passed right thru me. I need another senior, oh so badly.

Well, darlin', now that you're gone, I don't know what I'll do.
Maybe wander to the lake, for a salmon or two.

I had a girl...Donna was her first name... But they called her Miss Munson. Now her face doesn't look the same... 'cause of all my jaws crunchin'... Donna, I now know, this was selfish of me.
But since you're already dead, I think I'll finish this knee.

Oh, Donna. Oh, Donna
Oh, Donna. Oh, Donna