I'm so pissed. And, as I type that, I realize it could be a pun with this story.

I've been hearing for the last week, about a woman that was on a toilet for two years. And, there weren't many details, but CNN was going to cover it. I didn't have time to wait until the commercials ended, though. I just heard the boyfriend was going to be charged. And, my friend Judy told me that her skin somehow grew around the seat.

A story like this makes me wish I wrote for Letterman. I'd be in the room with the other writers, saying phrases like "She should s**t or get off the pot." I'd be told that's the obvious line. And that Dave couldn't say that word anyway.

I couldn't figure out which of my next lines was better. Either: "She better have had a good book." Or "What was she doing, trying to finish War & Peace?"

Or, would I try for something like "The woman got so mad at her boyfriend for never leaving the seat down, she figured this was the only way to teach him a lesson."

I remember joking with my brothers and stepdad. They would go into the bathroom with a book. It made absolutely no sense to me. I go into the bathroom when I have to go. I'm in and out, within a minute. I don't know if other people are just doing what they learned when they were babies and were potty trained. To sit down on the "potty", until you have to go; that way, there won't be any "accidents".

I thought about the scene in Lethal Weapon II where the bad guys plant a bomb on the toilet, and Danny Glover can't stand up or it will blow. Mel Gibson saves him, by throwing him into the tub.

The best toilet seat story ever, though, was a guy I heard that went into a diner out in the middle of nowhere. They had a toilet seat on the wall. Not the most appetizing visual when you're eating a greasy burger.

He asked the waiter what the deal was with it, and was told that one time Brooke Shields was in their diner. After she used the bathroom, they took the toilet seat she sat on, and hung it on the wall (not sure if they washed it first...or wrote a clever thing on the wall about "something does come between her and her jeans").

Geez. What happened to just snapping a photo of a celebrity holding one of your menus?