Sometimes I'll read a weird story in the paper, and I'll try to remember it for a future blog. I end up forgetting about 'em, and they sometimes end up in the News of the Weird.

A few weeks back, in some part of the U.S., a man was arrested for shooting his lawnmower. It stopped working. And, he did what, well, anyone would do when that happens. He started firing bullets into it.

Now me, I would've taken a different approach. I would've went to town on it with the weed wacker.

But I digress.

The man was arrested, and started screaming at the cops "I can shot my own lawn mower!" Apparently, you can't. When you live in a residential area, there are laws about firing guns.

Maybe it's different if you're Elvis, and it's at your TV set. Maybe Elvis just got out of it with all his police badges, I dunno.

My parents live next door to people that like to fire guns into the canyon. When my stepbrother was visiting, he called the cops on them. The sheriff didn't do anything, since the guy was a friend of his. They were a bit peeved at my folks. And a few days later, they were shooting again. At least it wasn't at them, or their cars. They said they wanted to kill the animals out there in the canyon.

All this reminded me of a guy named Kevin I used to work with in radio. We did a bit on Mother's Day, where we called and confessed something to our mom. His was that as a teenager, she once wouldn't let him go play football with his friends until he cut the grass. He was so mad, he hit the mower with a shovel a few times. When he went to start it, it wouldn't. She then said, "Oh, okay. Go play football then." He thought "That worked better than it should've." And, it got better. His dad decided to buy a riding mower. So from then on, he actually looked forward to mowing the grass.

When Kevin admitted this to his mom, there was a stunned silence, as I was laughing in the background. She said, " owe us $450!"

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towelheadedcameljockey Aug. 5, 2008 @ 8:55 a.m.

GREAT story about your friend. Are you in radio still?


Fred Williams Aug. 5, 2008 @ 1 p.m.

You are so wrong, Josh!

A weed-wacker simply isn't up to the job of putting a lawn mower out of service. It just isn't.

I'm with your former colleague who used the shovel. That's smart for improvisation.

Using a pistol or a rifle on a mower, no matter how well-deserved, is really over-kill. A shotgun? Okay, sure a shotgun blast makes sense, but shooting slugs at the engine block is just poor form.

Fatal man-on-mower violence requires no more than a crowbar, a heavy hammer, or a even a few gummy bears artfully inserted into the gas tank.

Josh, your weed-wacker attack, on the other hand, shows that you're not a truly manly-man who knows the ins and outs of burly mower discipline.

I've got to ask you, man to man, do you even have a yard, you snivelling green behind the wheels punk?

These blogs are serious business and you oughtn't comment on such weighty horticultural-mechanical matters without doing your research.

Good day, sir!


Russ Lewis Aug. 5, 2008 @ 2:32 p.m.

I totally relate to wanting to destroy some piece-of-s*** lawn mower on a hot afternoon when nothing will get it to start. A stick of dynomite sounds great, but the crowbar does sound the most viscerally satisfying. Anyhow, the clown who unloaded the slugs on his lawn mower reportedly used a sawed-off shotgun, and possessing one was a felony in itself, if I understand correctly, so no, contrary to what he told police, he didn't have the legal right to blow it away. Dude shoulda stuck with the Josh Board System of lawn mower destruction technique.


Fred Williams Aug. 5, 2008 @ 3:24 p.m.

Now that I learn it was indeed a shotgun, I've got to question the arresting officers' judgement. Did they ask how many times he had pulled on the cord, re-checked gas and oil, and cleaned the plugs and filter?

By any reasonable standard, if the honest answer had been more than fifty, a sawed-off is the proper tool for the job of showing that lawn mower who's the boss.

I'd like to see this man go in front of a jury of his peers...guys like Russl who know what it's like to have an uppity lawn mower disrespecting you on a hot day. Sometimes it's a man's reluctant duty to put such recalcitrant machines into their proper place, and we all know that nothing sends a clearer message than an illegal sawed-off.

As Josh says elsewhere, for the man to have resorted to using his gun like this, the mower probably did something stupid, lawyered up, and told a bunch of lies. Even if it turns out it did start properly this time, what kind of record has it got? I bet that mower's got a rap sheet and service record as long as my arm. It's only fitting to take the law into your own hands sometimes, when you've got to deal with that kind of mowing scumbag week-in and week-out.

I say we salute this American hero, an icon for frustrated lawn farmers nationwide, as we continue to do the bidding of our lush green overlords and replace the natural flora and fauna with ever expanding swaths of grass, grass, grass..!!


antigeekess Aug. 5, 2008 @ 6:03 p.m.

Damn. I'm feeling strangely patriotic. Or something.

Fred for VP!!!


Josh Board Aug. 6, 2008 @ 12:44 a.m.

Holy crap Fred, that was a funny post. Incredible. I mean, I'm guessing the lawnmower did have a history of...well, destroying sprinkler heads. Killing lots of bugs, and a few reptiles. Don't even gut me started on the noise complaints.

Regarding my confession...well, it's a bit X-rated, so I can't give you all the details. But I had a key to my moms condo. During one of her "divorce" periods. I brought a girlfriend there. Not sure why...we were just in the area, she had a big screen TV, we rented a movie and thought we'd watch it there. The movie ended. My mom was still an hour away from coming home from work. We got romantic. And, my mom didn't walk in on us. But walked in afterwards. That's all I can really say, but I called my mom and confessed to some things she pointed out in the living room, and why they were the way they were.


Fred Williams Aug. 6, 2008 @ 10:04 a.m.

If I didn't write funny stuff, I'd be constantly angry at the state of our world, our country, our state, and especially our San Diego today.

It really is disheartening to have enough information and experience to draw reasonable conclusions, and yet see nothing much done in mitigation of likely consequences.

I allow myself to write whimsical or satirical bits to mix in with the serious stuff. You gotta laugh or cry. I've noticed that people who've survived the worst the world has to offer often have the best sense of humor.

So instead of getting red in the face from shouting about what's going on around us, I sometimes just let loose with my best efforts to poke fun.

Josh, you should hear me sing sometime. I performed for the city council a few years back, at the vote to go ahead with illegally issued ballpark bond indebtedness, singing:

Rip me off with a ballpark Give me corporate pork Buy me a mayor and council seat After the vote our team always gets beat

You've surely seen my song about Scott "Million Gallon Man" Peters, and the newest take-off, "SEDC Shredding Safari.

"Let's go shredding now, SEDC's learning how...."

If I were to write nothing but serious fact-filled posts I'd bore people and just drive up my own blood pressure. Besides, some folks like my jabs at the establishment, or find it amusing when I go along with the likes of fumber and take him seriously.

(Hi fumber! Yes, I'm still corpulently corrupt with oozing sores festering all over my carrion infested carcass, thank you kindly.)

Have a look at Scam Diego, Bauder's blog...maybe you'll like some of my humor there too. I'm glad to contribute to San Diego's civic discussion in my own highly personalized way.

In my own judgement, I think I'd make a lousy journalist. I'm too opinionated and confrontational, and wouldn't hide it in my reporting.

But if I could find a gig writing humorously about politics and society, I'd take it. Until then, the dry world of technology pays me well and allows me the freedom to write elsewhere as I choose.




Josh Board Aug. 7, 2008 @ 12:27 a.m.

I like how we can comment on fumber, and be sure that he's reading. Even though he supposedly hates my blog, he continues to log on to read it.

Yeah, I'm the same way, but it's getting harder and harder to laugh. When I hear things like the woman that shot and killed her preacher husband in the back, yet she retains custody of her kids.

The same way OJ got to keep custody of his kids.

Oh well, the woman did say the guy was horrible to her. Forced her to wear high heels and stalkings. That, sounds like one horrible husband.


Josh Board Aug. 9, 2008 @ 2:08 a.m.

I have an excuse for those types of typos. I went to court reporting school for a year. And...part of the short hand you learn how to type, is that words are typed how they sound. So, "cat" is "kat". That way, the "c" can be dropped from their little stenography machines. If the word is "Czar" it's spelled "zar".

Words like "stalking" or "stocking" would be spelled the same. It's just a court reports job to know, when transcribing documents, which one. And obviously, in a court case, that wouldn't be hard to figure out.


antigeekess Aug. 9, 2008 @ 1:23 a.m.

High heels and "stalkings?" Freud loves it.

Well now we know what you do when you're not party-crashing.



Fred Williams Aug. 9, 2008 @ 7:09 a.m.

"Your Honor, the defendant was stocking the store before the robbery."


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