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Mental pause

Got the kids in the car, ready to head out of town. Went to get gas and there was some Naval officer guy in front of me pumping a cartel’s worth of gas into an Expedition. I tried to get the gas pump going & the damn pump froze up, only momentarily, but I didn’t know that & I said “f**n thing” and the officer heard me and looked over at me. I felt ashamed. Instead of acknowledging that I made it worse. A car pulled in behind me and I knew the woman driver was watching me judging me or it was me judging myself. I finished pumping the gas before Officer Expedition did so I backed out but I ran into the pole oh shit kids frightened me too cause I thought I had hit the woman so I got out and looked oh only the pole thank God but my daughter was out of the car—what’s she doing out here Get back in the car! out of the corner of my eye noticed Officer Expedition pulling away but now the woman was watching and judging so I had to get my car out of there pulled it out finally feeling really stupid yelled at my kid what were YOU going to do out there? just wanted to see if there’s any damage That’s my business not yours now thinking oh geez someone else I need to apologize to, again, and now I go to leave but the traffic is 10 cars waiting for the traffic signal & I am facing them they’re all looking at me now judging & I have to slink past to take my place at the end of the line. I get the car back there finally and the light takes one hundred years. What are we waiting for there’s no cross traffic & if the lights are broken these military types won’t run it they’re people used to following orders none of them can think for themselves. I can tell, I can feel by the silence radiating from the almost-16-year-old in the back seat that I’m doing it again, making a fool of myself and embarrassing her and I’m so so sad I am crying and the damn light is still red oh there it goes. It’s okay Mommy No honey I’m embarrassed, I am acting foolish I made a dumb choice and I am sad. We follow the cars through the traffic light and I wipe off my tears with my hands because I don’t have a tissue. this is how I get sometimes. Lonely and no comfort to myself. yeah, God I did pray I did ask for your blessing. I guess the answer was no or maybe your blessing was hitting the pole instead of the woman because that would’ve really sucked.

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Got the kids in the car, ready to head out of town. Went to get gas and there was some Naval officer guy in front of me pumping a cartel’s worth of gas into an Expedition. I tried to get the gas pump going & the damn pump froze up, only momentarily, but I didn’t know that & I said “f**n thing” and the officer heard me and looked over at me. I felt ashamed. Instead of acknowledging that I made it worse. A car pulled in behind me and I knew the woman driver was watching me judging me or it was me judging myself. I finished pumping the gas before Officer Expedition did so I backed out but I ran into the pole oh shit kids frightened me too cause I thought I had hit the woman so I got out and looked oh only the pole thank God but my daughter was out of the car—what’s she doing out here Get back in the car! out of the corner of my eye noticed Officer Expedition pulling away but now the woman was watching and judging so I had to get my car out of there pulled it out finally feeling really stupid yelled at my kid what were YOU going to do out there? just wanted to see if there’s any damage That’s my business not yours now thinking oh geez someone else I need to apologize to, again, and now I go to leave but the traffic is 10 cars waiting for the traffic signal & I am facing them they’re all looking at me now judging & I have to slink past to take my place at the end of the line. I get the car back there finally and the light takes one hundred years. What are we waiting for there’s no cross traffic & if the lights are broken these military types won’t run it they’re people used to following orders none of them can think for themselves. I can tell, I can feel by the silence radiating from the almost-16-year-old in the back seat that I’m doing it again, making a fool of myself and embarrassing her and I’m so so sad I am crying and the damn light is still red oh there it goes. It’s okay Mommy No honey I’m embarrassed, I am acting foolish I made a dumb choice and I am sad. We follow the cars through the traffic light and I wipe off my tears with my hands because I don’t have a tissue. this is how I get sometimes. Lonely and no comfort to myself. yeah, God I did pray I did ask for your blessing. I guess the answer was no or maybe your blessing was hitting the pole instead of the woman because that would’ve really sucked.

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Comments
1

I've had times like that, think we all do and you put it together so well. I liked the story very honest and talks to me about the everyday struggles and emotions we all deal with. Thanks.

Oct. 20, 2011

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