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Had he lived, venerable comedian Bob Hope would have turned 1,478 yesterday. In honor of the occasion, TCM dragged a river in Toluca Lake and pulled out a few prime catches.

My lips moved along with the dialog while reexamining late period goo like Bachelor in Paradise and I'll Take Sweden, but I hadn't seen A Global Affair since dad took me to the Nortown the week it opened.

A baby is abandoned at the United Nations. Since it's neutral territory, it's up to America's Secretary of Mirth to select a suitable country for the tyke to call home.

As a kid, Bob's third act plea to the UN to save the child's life hit me harder than Cary Grant begging a judge to gain custody of an adoptive toddler in Penny Serenade. It still has the same power, only now for different reasons.


Hope was in his 60's when he made it, but that didn't stop young hot 'international' broads -- and Yvonne Decarlo, no doubt representing Transylvania -- from trying to bed the fossilized funnyman. Decarlo plays a character named Dolores. It was the only bone Bob ever threw his wife. I often wonder whether Bob had Barney McNulty kneel at the foot of his bed and hold up a cue card that read "ORGASM" every time the petrified jokester was about to spit. But seriously, ladies and gentlemen, this is such an unqualified disaster, that it could have bumped Call Me Bwana from the #1 spot.

And what's with this full-frame horseshit? It's not available on DVD. (You don't want children getting their hands on this stuff, you know.) Can't TCM take the time to letterbox Hope's films? They show widescreen copies of garbage like "Casino" and "Lola Montes," why not extend the same honor to masterworks like Global and The Seven Little Goys?

Oh, yeah. It was directed by Jack Arnold during his 'Incredible Shrinking Talent' period.

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Colonna May 30, 2013 @ 12:50 p.m.

Maybe some of the blame lies with "Global's" producer, Hall Bartlett. Bartlett's best known piece of work was this 1973 stinkeroo:


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