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What do you get when you combine High School Musical and Twilight? Not much, as demonstrated by this bargain-basement big-screen blow up of the popular iTunes webseries of the same name.

Lucas Grabeel (High School Musical 1-3 inclusive), Drew Seeley (High School Musical: The Concert), and Adrian Slade return as the goth romantic triangle. Their camp antics, dance moves akin to jumping jacks, and cardboard characterizations perfectly compliment co-writer/director Chris Nolan’s (not that one) paper-thin plotting.

Even with “You’re not a ghoul, you’re cool” for a sales pitch and a smorgasbord of vampire vixens eager to be drained, Seeley’s vampire recruitment officer Trey Sylvanie (witty, ain’t it?) is unable to convince reluctant blood-sucker Dylan Knight (Grabeel) to put the bite on Sara Lane (Slade), the girl of his dreams.

Once bitten, and desperately eager to stop the process, Sara joins Dylan in seeking the services of a venomologist whose commercial they spotted on his iPhone. Ironically, that’s the same device the majority of the fans this stuff is geared for will probably wind up watching it on.

Co-authors Laurie and Chris Nolan, both veterans of ‘The House the Mouse Built,’ penned Going to the Mat for DTV. Having never seen any of the High School Musicals (one must save something for their deathbed), I can only assume their homage arrives in the form of interchangeable songs, guaranteed to deafen lab rats, that capture the tenor of the Disney Channel original.

Or is it because the four flats and muslin-covered windows the production designer whipped together and called Dylan’s bedroom give the impression this could just as easily have been executed by a high school glee club?

Reader Rating: Zero Stars

I Kissed a Vampire opens today at Reading Cinemas Gaslamp 15. Click for showtimes.

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