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SITTING IN WHAT I WOULD PROBABLY DESCRIBE AS A BEAUTIFUL AND EXOTIC LOCATION WERE IT NOT FOR THE BAG OVER MY HEAD, MEXICO - Last night at its annual Awards Gala and Nosy Journalist Slaughter, the Sinaloa drug cartel awarded U.S. Attorney for Southern California Laura Duffy its coveted Woman of the Year award.

"Ordinarily," said a cartel spokesman from somewhere behind me, "we give the award to the year's top-performing mule. Last year, it was Gloria Esteban Sanchez, who managed to get 15 heroin-stuffed condoms over the border in a single trip. Of course, we had to give the award posthumously, since one of the condoms ruptured in her lower intestine. But even so - the 14 condoms we recovered from her corpse easily shattered the old record of nine."

"And then there was the time we gave it to Catherine Zeta-Jones for her heroic performance as a cartel widow who takes up her husband's title in Traffic. So fierce, so beautiful - like a deadly jungle cat. Never mind the Oscar - Catherine really earned the ring that year." (The spokesman was referring to the golden ring emblazoned with a marijuana leaf given to each year's winner, pictured above.)

"But this year, in this time of historic change with regard to national attitudes toward our best-selling product, it was clear that we had to think different, think bigger picture. We had to recognize someone whose tireless efforts have done so much to ensure that marijuana continues to be the province of criminals like us, and not some kind of regulated, taxable medical product. We had to do something to let Laura Duffy know how grateful we are for her ongoing and vigorous support."

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Justin Powell Feb. 28, 2013 @ 4:44 p.m.

And District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis should be named Woman Emiretus for her assistance in persecuting innocent medical marijuana patients and trumping up charges to force plea bargains from sick folks trying to avoid prison.



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