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San Diego Model in Stable Condition After Mass Pigeon Attack on Dress Made from Cranberries.

Hindsight Commissioner: "It's common sense: you don't wear a meat bikini at a dog show, and you don't wear a cranberry dress in a city park. This is almost as bad as the time when a swarm of bees went after the girl dressed as Heade's 'Magnolia Blossom.'"


She couldn't sit down for a week.

RECOVERING IN THE SERENE SILENCE OF THE ICON ROOM, TIMKEN MUSEUM OF ART - Right now, Fashion Careers College student designer Elise Muldoon is probably wishing she'd never heard of Lady Gaga or the infamous "meat dress" she wore to the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards.


Is that domestic or imported prosciutto?

Because, she says, it was Gaga's decision to make fashion from food that inspired Muldoon's own decision to string together over 5,000 cranberries into a dress that paid homage to Eastman Johnson's famous painting "The Cranberry Harvest" as part of the Timken Museum's fourth annual Art of Fashion exhibit this weekend. And it was the wearing of that dress that ultimately landed local model Ana Simoom in the hospital, after she was attacked by a flock of hungry pigeons during a Thursday afternoon preview of the locally designed creations that will be on display at the museum this weekend.


The painting in question, forever after to be known as "Muldoon's Folly"

"I didn't want to be derivative, you know?" asked Muldoon plaintively as police attempted to question her about the actual details of the attack. "I mean, I didn't want to just mock up some updated version of the dresses that they're wearing in the painting. And I didn't want to just copy Gaga. But then I thought, 'The thing about the meat dress is drape - the way it hangs. What if I did something that was more about adornment?' You know how they have those dresses that are covered with thousands of tiny beads, or pearls, or even crystals? I thought, 'What if I did that, but with cranberries?' Like on Christmas trees!"


Don't you bring Christmas into this, little missy.

"I was so happy with the result," wailed Muldoon as she burst into tears. "It was so Flappery, yet with a '60s granola twist, and even a little 21st-century irony. And Ana was just wearing the hell out of it, you know? But right as she stepped out onto the museum's porch-thingy, they just...oh, God."


The Birds!

Happily, Simoom sustained no serious injuries, only multiple peckings and the embarrassment of having her dress eaten off in public by marauding, ravenous pigeons.

"I dunno," said fellow Art of Fashion designer Jeffrey Parish. "The whole event had a very performance art feel. I think Lady Gaga would have approved. Me, I'm just glad I didn't get literal with my interpretation of Raphaelle Peale's 'Cutlet and Vegetables.'"

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