MARVELING AT THE WONDERS OF GOD'S CREATION, CHARGERS STADIUM — Ever since San Diego Chargers tight end Antonio Gates let slip to reporters that Jesus-loving quarterback Philip Rivers has been playing through the pain of …
November 21, 2014
Almost Factual News
God denies robbing Rivers' rib
How CityBeaten thinks
It's been a good long time since we've told you folks about what CityBeaten's been up to. CityBeaten, you might recall, is the Reader's competition in San Diego's alternative-newsweekly market. Since it's a slow news …
November 15, 2014
Horror House
Statement from San Diego State President Elliot "Moneyman" Hirsh: "We understand that some members of the University community — particularly those associated with the Kappa Delta sorority — are unhappy with our decision to go …
November 14, 2014
Tearing down the ivory tower
Guest Editorial by San Diego State University President Elliot Hirshman A recent article in these pages cast aspersions on the likely event that I would receive a pay raise, even as SDSU was imposing new …
November 13, 2014
Disease-ter update
"San Diego has been hit with a rash of disease news of late, and disease news is a terrible vector for panic," says UCSD Professor of Masses Management Elaine Panacea. "It spreads rapidly, often mutating …
November 8, 2014
Halloween 2014: San Diego places second in nationwide city costume contest
In a surprise upset, the City of San Diego took second place in this year's City Costume Contest, an annual nationwide affair judged by the editors of Forbes Magazine. San Diego's costume, "Major City," narrowly …
November 6, 2014
(Love)Crafting a moist tomorrow
On November 1, Kevin Faulconer, mayor of the city formerly known as San Diego, approved the City Council's proposed mandatory water restrictions. Among these are such expected requirements as limiting lawn irrigation and watering fruit …
November 3, 2014
So-called "Booty Bug" has San Diego college kids on high alert
Students at UCSD, SDSU, USD, PLU, CSSM, Palomar College, and other schools throughout San Diego are reporting high levels of anxiety this week following multiple hospitalizations caused by the deadly meningococbloccal bacteria. The disease, which …
October 30, 2014
UCSD professor claims next stage of human evolution already underway
Guest column by Dr. Herbert "Hamburger" Helper, Chair of UCSD's Department of Evolutionary Biology The scientific truth is that two out of every three Americans are overweight, and one out of every three is obese. …
October 30, 2014
Droids not drones
WHERE THE MAGIC KINGDOM MEETS THE EVIL EMPIRE, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN HERE AND BURBANK — "The problem with drones has always been largely one of perception," says General Dynamics Head of Brainwashing Dan Vader. "People love …
October 20, 2014
Navy initiates "Hey, Sailor!" recruitment campaign in effort to stem tide of sexual harrassment on ships
Navy Spokesman Brett Pupdek: "It was bad enough when we had to boot Captain Greg Gombert off the USS Cowpens after he made his onboard sweetheart, Lt. Cmdr. Destiny Savage, the 'acting commanding officer,' whatever …
October 16, 2014