Abhijeet (right) and Suji say Flat White (on right) is most popular coffee choice

Popped down (up?) to my once-upon-a-time homeland, New Zealand, after a lo-ong time away. To, uh, marry the beautiful Diane. We have been talking about it on and off for years. Finally feel mature enough, heh heh. Going home has had its surprises. I knew to expect some culture shock: driving on the left, feeling like Rip Van Winkle as I watch a new generation race for Tip Top Hokey-Pokey ice cream in the afternoon sun.

Hokey Pokey ice cream’s still there, but a lot of other stuff is not. And my biggest shock in arriving on my old stomping ground? Coffee. Turns out you can’t just walk into a Kiwi coffee house and ask for “a coffee.” You’ve got to specify. Flat White? Long Black? Trim? “This has become a sophisticated coffee country since you left,” says my friend George.

“But can’t you just ask for a regular coffee?”

“New Zealanders don’t do drip,” George says. “We don’t even know what you mean. Not since we invented Flat White, anyway.”

“Flat White?”

“Micro-foamed milk poured over a single or double shot of espresso,” George says. “No thick layer of foam. Opposite of a dry cappuccino. Less froth and milk than a latte.”

“New Zealand invented it?”

“Oh yes,” says George. “Of course, the Aussies claim to have, as well. But they claim to have created the Pavlova, too.” He’s talking about the meringue cake created to celebrate the Australasian tour of the famous ballerina Anna Pavlova in the 1920s. Australia and New Zealand both claim to have invented the recipe. “But it’s no contest here,” says George. “Flat White was the baby of Derek Townsend. Kiwi. At the DKF Cafe in 1984. Or it may have been a barista named Fraser McInnes, who botched the making of a cappucino in 1989 at the Cafe Bodega in Wellington. The lady he was making it for liked the result, spread the word, and now we’re famous for Flat White.”

There’s no question that Flat White has become a coffee thing internationally. It is basically 1/3 espresso and 2/3 milk. No froth. Bottom line is, Kiwi coffee is stronger, takes a while to make, is always super fresh, and is a fairly snobby item. Ordinary folks tend to stick with tea. And you need to know what you’re asking for, even when it comes to additions. Soy milk? Almond? Oat milk? Trim (cow’s milk with less fat in it)? Latte (espresso, steamed milk, plus a layer of frothed milk on top)?

Of course a lot of people don’t buy into this chi-chi approach to cawfee, including my new bride, Diane. “The Flat White,” she says, “is simply a cappuccino gone wrong.”