Good heavens! No, bad heavens!

Statement from Father Gerald Riptide, Navy Chaplain for San Diego, regarding the military branch’s announced and then retracted decision to cancel Catholic Masses at North Island Chapel: “As Christians, we believe that our prayers are both heard and answered by an all-loving, all-powerful God, and that our worship at Mass pleases Him. But at the same time, we are content with the axiom that those answers to prayer are often mysterious, and frequently outright invisible. Many times, it seems that our petitions for the protection of our sailors are raised in vain; I think of all the senseless injury wrought by the fire aboard the Bonhomme Richard. So when the Navy noticed that fewer and fewer Navy personnel were attending Mass — especially our younger enlistees, who are of course the future of the military — they made plans to cancel the contracts that brought civilian priests in to minister to the Naval faithful. A sensible if painful cost-cutting measure in these difficult times.

“Little did we realize that our prayers were not only being heard, but were also the only thing preventing the unholy surfacing of the great fish-god Dagon, that stupendous monster of nightmares, the mere sight of whom is enough to drive men mad, who awaits the day when his hideous worshippers may rise above the billows to drag down in their reeking talons the remnants of puny, war-exhausted mankind, the day when the land shall sink, and the dark ocean floor shall ascend amidst universal pandemonium. Suffice to say that we learned a valuable lesson last week, a lesson that more than accounts for our decision to reinstate the saying of Catholic Mass at North Island Chapel. And be assured that the gibbering lunatics who were once proud Navy men will be cared for as humanely as possible for the rest of their tortured, waking-nightmare lives. All praise and thanks to God, who preserves us from the sleepless foe.”