Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Paul Haggis’ Crash and burn

What’s the worst film ever to take home a Best Picture Oscar?

Crash: Holy worst Best Picture, Batman!
Crash: Holy worst Best Picture, Batman!

This week sees the opening of David Cronenberg’s latest, so what better time is to put in a bad word about Crash? No, not Cronenberg’s ode to a desensitized societies dependence of sex in cars, but Paul Haggis’ indigestible plateful of celluloid sheep’s pluck.

Crash (2004)

Sponsored
Sponsored

What’s the worst film ever to take home a Best Picture Oscar? For years, the star-studded travelogue Around the World in 80 Days went unchallenged until the day Forrest Gump moved to town. (Hollywood’s depiction of the intellectually-challenged has never been a strong suit.) Then with a boom came Crash, Paul Haggis’ bulky, humorless, lesson-laden, multi-character conflict that’s about as subtle as a guy tickling your palm with his middle finger in mid-handshake. Great directors are like crooked croupiers, dealing from stacked shoes and with split-second timing. Haggis is a near perfect defense of film as a director’s medium. For an illustration, see Clint Eastwood’s adaptation of Haggis’ Million Dollar Baby. Hitchcock had more to work with in Marnie. In less competent hands, the script, coupled with Hilary Swank’s limited range, never would have made it beyond the small screen. Eastwood’s masterful direction and dark, distant ’Scope frames further illuminate Haggis’ hackneyed saga of a female boxer. With superb performances by the director and Morgan Freeman to carry Swank, the film becomes a moving, transcendent experience. Eastwood found a through-line lurking within the C- script and in spite of Haggis’ faultily constructed sentimental soapbox, dealt a perfect hand. When left to his own devices, Haggis plays fifty-two pick up.

The action shakes out in flashback over the course of one day. In four brief scenes, Sandra Bullock’s Brentwood housewife comes to the realization that she’s angry. We learn of her husband Brendan Frasier’s position when he informs both the audience and his wife, “I’m the f--king district attorney of Los Angeles.” A racist, gun-toting Persian shop owner (Shaun Toub) hates being constantly mistaken for an Arab. Don Cheadle, who also acts as executive producer, and Jennifer Esposito are a pair of police detectives carrying on a torrid affair. Matt Dillon is the jaded Mark Fuhrmanesque racist with a badge, and Ryan Philippe, in the film’s most dumbfounding role, is his rookie partner. Chris “Ludacris” Bridges and Larenz Tate play two of the most philosophical, albeit race-baiting, car-jackers ever to make it to the screen. Throw in a princely Mexican locksmith (Michael Pena) and a middle-aged Korean couple, and you have the makings of a multicultural made-for-TV movie of the week.

The impetus for the film came from a real life incident in which Haggis was the victim of an at-gunpoint carjacking. In the press notes, Haggis throws around such hot button topics as “urban isolation,” “race and class,” and “intolerance as a collective problem.” More concerned with issues than storytelling, the film converts into a giant Golden Book of moral turpitude. The director’s idea of narrative storytelling is the stuff film curriculums are made of. Match cut between one character opening a door and another entering a different location. Cross cut for no rhyme or reason between stories. Employ cheap sentiment whenever the plot mechanics slow you down, and when written into a corner, devise the simplest forms of coincidence to easily extricate yourself.

The only remotely satisfying thread concerns a black television producer (Terrence Howard) and his light-skinned wife (Thandie Newton). The couple is stopped by Dillon and Phillippe for committing an act of vehicular sodomy. She rightfully accuses the cops of pulling her over due to what they perceived as a white woman orally gratifying the big, black enemy. While frisking Newton, pent-up Dillon digitally penetrates the suspect. Howard, wanting only to avoid bad publicity and jail time, overlooks the violation in exchange for their freedom. But don’t think for one second that Haggis is going to miss an opportunity to throw logic to the wind by having both cops accidentally (and conveniently) meet up with the couple in subsequent reels. Happenstance litters the film’s second half. In less than 24 hours, Phillippe manages to absorb just enough of Dillon’s racist hate to go from saving Howard from an almost certain firing squad to killing a black hitchhiker, who conveniently turns out to be Cheadle’s gangbanging brother. Oh brother!

Even the nicest of characters can’t help but hate in the end. Loretta Devine is the hospital worker who gets an earful of Dillon’s racial angst. During a phone conversation, he learns that her name is Shaniqua. “That figures,” he snarls into the receiver, causing the offended black woman to slam the phone down. The last shot in the film finds Shaniqua, absent since reel two, involved in a fender-bender and hurling racial epithets at a Chinese driver.

As with Million Dollar Baby’s Mo Cuishle, Haggis delivers another, even more precious little angel. The noble locksmith’s daughter sleeps under the bed for fear of stray bullets like those in the old neighborhood. The Persian shopkeeper, inexplicably assigning blame for a break-in on Pena’s smithing skills, decides to test out his new gun. Daddy’s little girl pretends to be a Bible and blocks the bullet. Don’t worry folks! The reveal that the box the bullets came in was marked “blanks” was so quick, that if you looked at your watch, you’d miss the insert shot.

On my way out of the press screening, I recall holding back rage when a cheery publicist asked for a flash reaction. In a moment worthy of Criswell, I predicted that a worse film would not be released in 2004, and that future events such as this would reveal a Best Picture winner in the future. Do yourself a favor and download the Cronenberg.

The latest copy of the Reader

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

O’side Tree Lighting & Gift Market, Holiday Lights at the Museum, The Elovaters and Little Stranger

Events December 5-December 6, 2024
Next Article

San Diego Holiday Experiences

As soon as Halloween is over, it's Christmas time in my mind
Crash: Holy worst Best Picture, Batman!
Crash: Holy worst Best Picture, Batman!

This week sees the opening of David Cronenberg’s latest, so what better time is to put in a bad word about Crash? No, not Cronenberg’s ode to a desensitized societies dependence of sex in cars, but Paul Haggis’ indigestible plateful of celluloid sheep’s pluck.

Crash (2004)

Sponsored
Sponsored

What’s the worst film ever to take home a Best Picture Oscar? For years, the star-studded travelogue Around the World in 80 Days went unchallenged until the day Forrest Gump moved to town. (Hollywood’s depiction of the intellectually-challenged has never been a strong suit.) Then with a boom came Crash, Paul Haggis’ bulky, humorless, lesson-laden, multi-character conflict that’s about as subtle as a guy tickling your palm with his middle finger in mid-handshake. Great directors are like crooked croupiers, dealing from stacked shoes and with split-second timing. Haggis is a near perfect defense of film as a director’s medium. For an illustration, see Clint Eastwood’s adaptation of Haggis’ Million Dollar Baby. Hitchcock had more to work with in Marnie. In less competent hands, the script, coupled with Hilary Swank’s limited range, never would have made it beyond the small screen. Eastwood’s masterful direction and dark, distant ’Scope frames further illuminate Haggis’ hackneyed saga of a female boxer. With superb performances by the director and Morgan Freeman to carry Swank, the film becomes a moving, transcendent experience. Eastwood found a through-line lurking within the C- script and in spite of Haggis’ faultily constructed sentimental soapbox, dealt a perfect hand. When left to his own devices, Haggis plays fifty-two pick up.

The action shakes out in flashback over the course of one day. In four brief scenes, Sandra Bullock’s Brentwood housewife comes to the realization that she’s angry. We learn of her husband Brendan Frasier’s position when he informs both the audience and his wife, “I’m the f--king district attorney of Los Angeles.” A racist, gun-toting Persian shop owner (Shaun Toub) hates being constantly mistaken for an Arab. Don Cheadle, who also acts as executive producer, and Jennifer Esposito are a pair of police detectives carrying on a torrid affair. Matt Dillon is the jaded Mark Fuhrmanesque racist with a badge, and Ryan Philippe, in the film’s most dumbfounding role, is his rookie partner. Chris “Ludacris” Bridges and Larenz Tate play two of the most philosophical, albeit race-baiting, car-jackers ever to make it to the screen. Throw in a princely Mexican locksmith (Michael Pena) and a middle-aged Korean couple, and you have the makings of a multicultural made-for-TV movie of the week.

The impetus for the film came from a real life incident in which Haggis was the victim of an at-gunpoint carjacking. In the press notes, Haggis throws around such hot button topics as “urban isolation,” “race and class,” and “intolerance as a collective problem.” More concerned with issues than storytelling, the film converts into a giant Golden Book of moral turpitude. The director’s idea of narrative storytelling is the stuff film curriculums are made of. Match cut between one character opening a door and another entering a different location. Cross cut for no rhyme or reason between stories. Employ cheap sentiment whenever the plot mechanics slow you down, and when written into a corner, devise the simplest forms of coincidence to easily extricate yourself.

The only remotely satisfying thread concerns a black television producer (Terrence Howard) and his light-skinned wife (Thandie Newton). The couple is stopped by Dillon and Phillippe for committing an act of vehicular sodomy. She rightfully accuses the cops of pulling her over due to what they perceived as a white woman orally gratifying the big, black enemy. While frisking Newton, pent-up Dillon digitally penetrates the suspect. Howard, wanting only to avoid bad publicity and jail time, overlooks the violation in exchange for their freedom. But don’t think for one second that Haggis is going to miss an opportunity to throw logic to the wind by having both cops accidentally (and conveniently) meet up with the couple in subsequent reels. Happenstance litters the film’s second half. In less than 24 hours, Phillippe manages to absorb just enough of Dillon’s racist hate to go from saving Howard from an almost certain firing squad to killing a black hitchhiker, who conveniently turns out to be Cheadle’s gangbanging brother. Oh brother!

Even the nicest of characters can’t help but hate in the end. Loretta Devine is the hospital worker who gets an earful of Dillon’s racial angst. During a phone conversation, he learns that her name is Shaniqua. “That figures,” he snarls into the receiver, causing the offended black woman to slam the phone down. The last shot in the film finds Shaniqua, absent since reel two, involved in a fender-bender and hurling racial epithets at a Chinese driver.

As with Million Dollar Baby’s Mo Cuishle, Haggis delivers another, even more precious little angel. The noble locksmith’s daughter sleeps under the bed for fear of stray bullets like those in the old neighborhood. The Persian shopkeeper, inexplicably assigning blame for a break-in on Pena’s smithing skills, decides to test out his new gun. Daddy’s little girl pretends to be a Bible and blocks the bullet. Don’t worry folks! The reveal that the box the bullets came in was marked “blanks” was so quick, that if you looked at your watch, you’d miss the insert shot.

On my way out of the press screening, I recall holding back rage when a cheery publicist asked for a flash reaction. In a moment worthy of Criswell, I predicted that a worse film would not be released in 2004, and that future events such as this would reveal a Best Picture winner in the future. Do yourself a favor and download the Cronenberg.

Comments
Sponsored

The latest copy of the Reader

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Gonzo Report: Jazz jam at a private party

A couple of accidental crashes at California English
Next Article

Chunky yellowtail from Alijos Rocks

Imperial Beach Pier thresher shark
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

This Week’s Reader This Week’s Reader