This preserved art looks better than the real thing

“All my tuxes are in Texas,” says this gent. He laughs a Texas-size laugh.

I’m looking to rent a tux for myself.

It’s not something I’ve done a lot. But there’s a lot to it. The bow tie, the studded shirt, the cummerbund, all blasts from a distant past, and yet so popular this last season that they say there’s a shortage of suits.

But I had to take the plunge, put on a penguin suit. It was because my society-flitting buddy Diana has nailed tickets to a soiree of Strauss-type music and smoky French ballads. She’s taking me and my fiancée Diane for a bit of culture. I already established a sort of reputation when I accompanied Diana to a classy concert on the racetrack in Del Mar. My major contribution there? Starting to applaud after the first movement of a Mozart piece.

Tonight is lighter, music-wise, but heavier, dress-code-wise. Has to be a tux, with studded shirt and cummerbund, silk-striped trousers, cuff links and shiny black shoes that would make a CIA spook feel right at home.

You walk in off the street to this clubby corner store, The Gentleman’s Tux Club at F and 9th. Your eyes take a moment to adjust. “Welcome,” says Vanessa, the lady behind the counter. “What is the occasion?” I say something about the La Jolla Music Society. “We have been slammed ever since September,” says Vanessa. She puts this down to pent-up post-covid demand for weddings, anniversaries and reunions.

Vanessa’s laying out my jacket. I notice the side pockets are sewn closed.  “COST: $250. There is a $30 charge if you open the pockets of the tuxedo,” says a page with rules for renting. “Late returns will be charged $25 each day.” So prices up, for sure, but what strikes me is how the fashion and style haven’t changed a jot. This outfit looks exactly the same as I remember it. It strikes me how little everything has changed in this world of formal party rags, right down to the descriptors.

*Tuxedo: “crooked water” in the Native American Lenape language

*Tuxedo Park, NY, elite social club where tux was first worn in 1888

*Suspenders: still de rigueur

*Cummerbund: must-have waist wrap. From the Persian. Brits discovered it in Hindustan

*Bow tie: If you want to be uber-cool, tie your own bow tie, or uber-uber-cool, have your glamorous companion do it, standing behind, reaching around your neck, whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

*Midnight Blue jackets have always been the rage, mainly because the Prince of Wales, Edward VII wore one, starting 1865.

So it looks like we’re wearing 1865 styles tonight, 167 years later! And we’re still — wow! — looking cool. Here’s to Crooked River style!