Padres Manager Tingler: “I mean, I guess I’m happy for the sponsorship dollars and the unlimited supply of free Bud Zero, but the fact is, I have no use for a non-alcoholic beer right now. Right now, I need a beer that will help me forget this season. I need a lot of them, in fact. A non-alcoholic beer would provide exactly zero of what I’m looking for. Which I guess is the point.”

“Really, we couldn’t be happier,” said Bud Zero brand manager Sid Craven following the Padres disastrous conclusion to their 2020 season. “A full season in the basement would have meant minimal exposure for our brand. But that red hot start got everyone’s attention. So the eventual, gradual collapse provided real drama — the kind that grabs eyeballs and gets national coverage. Even after the division title was nothing more than a dead dream, there was still talk of a wild card spot going into the final week or two. And then, oh boy, that late-season eighth inning against LA. Poor Emilio Pagan giving up three homers and a double before getting pulled. Three homers! He trended on Twitter as having had a night to forget! EVERYONE saw the postgame interview with Tingler and Pagan, with our logo right on either side of their heads. That’s brand synergy, people. The Padres delivered ZERO of their potential and remain the Major League Baseball team with the longest streak of ZERO championships, just like we deliver ZERO alcohol in every delicious can of Budweiser ZERO!”