“There was no improper licensing at Qualcomm; not even a teeny bit,” said President Trump at his Memorial Day Pardon Party, using a gesture indicating the bit’s teeniness for emphasis. “Not even a teenie-weenie bit,” added Qualcomm CEO Seven Mollenkopf in an amplification of the President’s assertion of smallness. “And we here at Qualcomm know all about teenie-weenie. Our 5G technology puts more connectivity in a smaller package than has ever been dreamed humanly possible. The FTC and Judge Koh think we’re interested in restraining trade, but really, we’re interested in unrestrained access for you, the user. In other words, Freedom. The kind of freedom that America promises its people. And frankly, the kind of freedom that China does not.”

On May 22, US District Court Judge Lucy Koh ruled that San Diego-based telecommunications giant Qualcomm had violated US anti-trust law via the licensing fees it charges for patented technology that allows cell phones to connect to cell phone towers. The ruling was seen as a crushing defeat for Qualcomm and a resounding victory for its competitors, notable among them the Chinese telecom company Huawei. But that was before President Trump got involved. On Monday, he issued a Presidential Pardon for the company, calling the American company’s control of the market “essential to protecting National Security.”

“Huawei has a long history of trade secret theft and intellectual property violations,” said the President in a prepared statement. “I’ve already issued orders that ban US companies from working with them. And I’m not about to undermine that — and do further damage to this country’s position in its ongoing trade negotiations with China — by allowing them even the opportunity for backdoor access to our precious cellular networks. Even Obama knew that only America may spy on Americans. Thank you, Qualcomm, for helping to keep it that way. Who says patriotism can’t be profitable as well?”