Happier Times: Beelzebub presents Cerullo with a prayer shawl soaked in the Blood of the Worthless Poor at a 2014 Prosperity Gospel Conference. “Back then, I thought we would go on and on,” recalls the disappointed demon. “You can’t see it in the photo, but my butt-face is smiling from cheek to cheek!”
“Let me make one thing clear at the outset,” says Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies and one of the Seven Princes of Hell. “I am, and always will be, a big fan of the Prosperity Gospel. Any twist on Sacred Scripture that can get people thinking about storing up treasure on earth instead of treasure in heaven is Grade A genius in my book. Me and my team have spent centuries trying to get people to just ignore the Bible’s endless emphasis on spiritual goods. But people like [San Diego televangelist] Morris Cerullo use the Good Book to proclaim material blessings! It’s as if Jesus said to Pontius Pilate, ‘My kingdom is absolutely of this world, and my people are gonna inherit that bitch!’ Amazing.”
But as much as the dread demon admires Cerullo’s message, he announced today that he is ending his long-standing partnership with the 84-year-old preacher. “I am so, so grateful for all the gullible souls Morris has brought my way, people who donated to his church in the hopes that God would pay a monster dividend, essentially making almsgiving a selfish act. But this plan of his to build the Legacy International Center, an 18-acre mixed-use development in Mission Valley? It’s too much. I can handle the spa and the fake version of the Wailing Wall, because why should a pilgrimage involve any kind of physical discomfort? But he’s proposing 120 luxury timeshares. First, have you read the contract on a timeshare? Way too close to one of my soul-sale docs in terms of conditions and duration. Second, it’s like the song says, 'Have some sympathy…and some taste.’ I’m out."