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Hello, San Diego. I'm Apple CEO Tim Cook. When we here at Apple saw that even schools like UCSD and USD were reporting steady rises in sexual assault reports over the past two years, we realized that America's Finest City was the perfect place to do a test-run of our latest game-changer. Because you can't purchase and operate a new iPhone 6 if you're stuck in prison. At least, not legally.

Tim Cook

Tim Cook

Let's face it: when faced with the prospect of intercourse, most college-age guys can't remember their own names, let alone the fact that the newly enacted California law SB967 requires active consent — as opposed to simply not objecting — before the deed can be done. Especially after you toss a couple of keg stands, six Jell-O shots, and a trashcan full of tequila panty-drop punch into the mix. To stay out of trouble, you fellows need to plan ahead. In years past, that just meant buying a condom and getting a bud to play wingman/witness. But new problems and new legislation demand new solutions. That's where we here at Apple have always thrived: on the edge of the future, solving problems you didn't even know you had yet. With that in mind, we are proud to present the iConsent — the first really innovative chastity belt in over 700 years.

Up to now, The Game has had a very standardized set of procedures and operations, just like computers before the Apple introduced the Macintosh. As always, Apple doesn't destroy what's come before; instead, it just perfects it. In this case, that means adding — you guessed it — "one more thing" — to your strategy for seduction. The iConsent - which, like the new iPhone 6, comes in more than one size - is an acrylic containment unit for your dongle input, secured by a titanium lock stamped with the iconic Apple logo. To get yourself free of the iConsent, all you need to do is convince your intended partner to put her face near your junk and say: "My name is [NAME], and I want to have sex with you."

iConsent can take it from there. The sentence acts as a voice key for iConsent's failsafe iOS (known affectionately as Mother), and the lock opens just five seconds later. But before it does, the lock's voice-activated microphone records the assent, while its camera snaps a photo of the willing participant's face. Both the recording on the image are automatically uploaded into iCloud, our super-secure remote data storage feature. Sexual assault becomes all but impossible, as do morning-after memory tweaks. And if it's just not your night, iConsent's "Morningwood" feature automatically releases the lock after 12 hours. It's Apple's very own sexual revolution, with you as the winner every time.

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Comments

dwbat Oct. 11, 2014 @ 4:25 p.m.

I think it's going to use Near-Field Communication (NFC) instead! ;-)

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